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Being better at accepting depression

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  • #391801
    noname
    Participant

    Anita,

    I have felt that sensation of being called to do something in life. It’s strange that you ask me this today because it’s something I have been thinking about lately. One of the things that I have enjoyed during long periods of time alone is the eventual tapping into something other than myself that fills me with vitality, purpose, and motivation. I used to wonder if it was some kind of grandiose thinking or mania that comes from being depressed for long stretches of time but there’s too much humility present in whatever it is im receiving, and these periods of silence and solitude in retrospect have been where some of my most creative visions and best life decisions have come from. It is a deeply spiritual experience for me that I long for through my numbed-out days. My call is to learn each day how to  get back in relationship with this part of myself? Part of the universe? God? So that I can manifest that love in the world. My daily drive is to learn to live in faith. I feel I’m at the edge of some kind of spiritual growth that I’m afraid of, if I can only let go and trust then I believe I can have a great loving effect on the world. I’m afraid of being powerful.

    I suppose erasing fears and living in faith is my call. I live out of curiosity to see what great things can happen if im not afraid. Easier said than done of course

     

    #391802
    anita
    Participant

    Dear noname:

    I happen to be watching a Dave Chappelle stand-up comedy show, and I noticed that you just posted. I think that in what you just posted, is the way forward, the only way forward: “My call is to learn each day how to get back in relationship with this part of myself? Part of the universe? God?… erasing fears and living in faith is my call. I live out of curiosity to see what great things can happen if I’m not afraid” – this is it, noname:  getting in touch with what is greater than us.

    I will be back to you Mon morning. What is greater than us is understanding that on one hand, we don’t have any power, on the other hand, we have so much power. Both are excruciatingly true.

    anita

    #391805
    anita
    Participant

    Dear noname:

    Tapping into something other than myself that fills me with vitality, purpose, and motivation… there’s too much humility present in whatever it is… I feel I’m at the edge of some kind of spiritual growth that I’m afraid of, if I can only let go and trust then I believe I can have a great loving effect on the world. I’m afraid of being powerful” –

    – about power and humility: I am very humble in regard to my personal power. I used to desire and daydream about having great personal power/ having a great effect on the world. I desired it so intensely because I felt so very powerless and in a great need to be valued by others. That desire brought me great misery.

    Tommy, a member on the forums, wrote the following yesterday (you can find him on the first page of lists of topics): “If one is open to love, then is one seeking love? If one is open to love, then will one find love?… I find love to be real. Whereas hate or anger is not real. When hate or anger comes up, it comes at first as urges and then it gets supporting thoughts to bolster its stay in the mind and body. Love just is. There is no need of thoughts to support its stay in the mind. Is love desires or wants? Personally, I do not believe true love is”.

    Developing this quote further: love just is. I can feel it now, as I am typing. It feels peaceful. I can rest in it even though I am experiencing big personal challenges at this time. But I can rest in Love this very morning. I am resting in Love that is not a feeling of desiring and wanting, nor is it a behavior of seeking and finding. Feeling it, resting in it does not make me powerful, it does not stimulate me into great action. All it does is giving me a place to rest from anxiety and worry. It places me in the mindset of saying and doing today what promotes love in others’ lives, and to avoid saying and doing what does not.

    My call is to learn each day how to get back in relationship with this part…So that I can manifest that love in the world” – manifest that love in the world by resting in it first, and rest in it again and again. This is the place to start your day, and to restart every moment in it. Remember, love does not seek (ex., a girlfriend), it does not desire (personal power, other people’s esteem, etc.). It just is.

    anita

    #391958
    noname
    Participant

    Anita,

    I hope you are doing well this week.

    It has been a difficult week for me.

    In regards to my fear of being powerful, i don’t mean it in the sense of controlling others or having status. I mean it in the sense of of a fear of feeling like I matter or have worth.

    This week has been a rollercoaster I meant to post here sooner in the week. I am meeting up with my mentor (old therapist) today for some tea. Hopefully i can get some guidance on where to go from here.

    As soon as i got in my car after my last client this week, i immediately burst into tears, and remained in a triggered state for a about 2 hours that night. Despite my clients actually making big improvements, and expressing gratitude for the service i provide, I felt awful hearing about their good fortune. The main trigger for me at work is discussions of money. Some of my clients make 2x-4x more money than me, yet I can barely afford to pay my bills each month on my therapist income. I didn’t take a single week off work last year, and I cant say enough just how exhausted i feel. Hearing about people who make double my income by sitting at a desk and sending emails all day is making me bitter.

    I’m starting to have regrets about choosing this career path, and im beginning to become jealous of other’s peoples good fortune, which leads me to ask myself questions like “what am i doing wrong? why don’t i deserve to have a saftey net? am i stupid? it must be because im worthless?” So this week has been a real challenge to remind myself my value as a human being is not determined by dollar signs.

    The other thing i haven’t really talked about is dating. I met this wonderful girl about three months ago with the intention of just being friends since she is polyamarous. We have spent alot of time together and she is genuinely a kind, vulnerable, and empathetic person. I told her last friday when i seen her that i wasn’t exactly feeling an attachment to her, but i really like spending time with her and hanging out. Sunday she told me she had covid, which is okay she’s doing alright, but i’m going out of town next week and she’s leaving for California soon. When it hit me that i wasn’t going to be able to see her i became very sad realizing i do have an attachment to her and will miss her. It also sparked up some jealousy, since she lives with her partner (whom i’ve met) and they get to see her where i wont.

    All this to say i’m quite a mess of a person right now. From my basic needs to my needs for love everything’s fucked. I’m so tired.

    On the bright side i have been very intentional in trying to soothe myself when these negative beliefs and heavy emotions are overwhelming me. There’s a real battle going on inside of a part of me that does not want to grow past the safety of telling myself i’m worthless and the mature part of me that knows i’m worthy and lovable. I need support at this point for the latter part.

    When i’m in these mood swings/emotional breakdowns i have been talking to the hurt parts of myself from the inner parent in me, saying things like “there’s nothing wrong with you, you are lovable, you are worth more than any amount of money, etc” all while having rapid flashbacks of painful memories. I swear I am trying, as bad as things may feel for me right now, i keep reminding myself i am leaps and bounds from the person i was just 5 years ago, i don’t cut anymore and i’m way more self aware, and i’m trying my best most days.

    I’m also wondering if cutting back from alcohol, porn, and weed while increasing the frequency of my meditation and journaling practices has anything to do with the intensity of the emotions i’m experiencing right now. I don’t feel numb at the moment, i actually feel very present with every inkling of feeling/thought/sensation that arises in me. I do feel like i need some kind of break although the next two weeks are packed for me, with a training and then taking my licensure exam the week after.

    #391965
    anita
    Participant

    Dear noname:

    I hope that you have a pleasant enough tea with your mentor today, and that he will offer you the guidance that you need. I also hope that you rest this weekend because your next two weeks will be packed, as you mentioned.

    Congratulations for being “leaps and bounds from the person (you were) just 5 years ago“, and for your recent “cutting back from alcohol, porn, and weed while increasing the frequency of (your) meditation and journaling practices“!

    Hearing about people who make double my income…  is making me bitter… I’m beginning to become jealous of other’s peoples good fortune… ‘ So, this week has been a real challenge to remind myself my value as a human being is not determined by dollar signs” – your bitterness, jealousy and frustration is very common. I felt this way many times. It still frustrates me greatly that there are plenty of people who make their fortunes by taking unfair advantage of individuals’ honesty and goodwill. These are people who are primarily motivated by making financial profit any which way, whatever it takes.

    Which leads me to ask myself questions like ‘what am I doing wrong?” – you do not take unfair financial advantage of people, so you are doing the right thing. But in the minds of people whose primary value is financial profit made-any-which-way, you are doing the wrong thing for yourself.

    Am I stupid? It must be because I’m worthless?” – People who make financial profit at the expense of honest, genuinely good people, will answer with an affirmative to both questions.

    Why don’t I deserve to have a safety net?” – you do deserve a safety net, but like Clint Eastwood in the movie Unforgiven said: “deserve ain’t got nothing to do with it”. Millions of people deserve better than what they have…  but deserve aint got nothing to do with it.

    I met this wonderful girl about three months ago with the intention of just being friends since she is polyamorous… she lives with her partner (whom I’ve met)” – no more polyamorous women for you, I say!

    In regard to my fear of being powerful…  I mean it in the sense of a fear of feeling like I matter or have worth… There’s a real battle going on inside of a part of me that does not want to grow past the safety of telling myself I’m worthless” – I would like to understand this better: what is safe about you telling yourself that you are worthless? What is the danger in you telling yourself that you are worthy?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 5 months ago by anita.
    #392245
    anita
    Participant

    Dear noname:

    Thinking about you this Wednesday evening, hoping that although your expected this week to be packed, it’s still a better week for you than last!

    anita

    #393774
    anita
    Participant

    Dear noname:

    Almost a month ago, Jan 29, you posted: “Hearing about people who make double my income…  is making me bitter… I’m beginning to become jealous of other’s peoples good fortune… ‘ So, this week has been a real challenge to remind myself my value as a human being is not determined by dollar signs”.

    It so happens that I came across a reply you posted to another member on March 16, 2017, almost 5 years ago: “I’m 24 years old and have had similar experience with life after college. I’ve realized from my short work history that as a talented young professional I had to be patient, even though it is at times very frustrating knowing you’ve got the skills to do more. What helped me was to stop seeking validation from superiors and co-workers, and surprisingly more opportunities began to present themselves when I got my eagerness under control and calmed my demeanor. What also helped me was being okay with doing something I love (despite low pay) and living simply and modestly, removing myself from the mindset of consumerism which had me searching for happiness and fulfillment outside myself (i.e. cars, houses, electronics, etc.) If you don’t mind me asking what would your life look like if you had it exactly as you desired?”.

    I thought that maybe your own words from long ago will help you again today.

    anita

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