Anita,

I have felt that sensation of being called to do something in life. It’s strange that you ask me this today because it’s something I have been thinking about lately. One of the things that I have enjoyed during long periods of time alone is the eventual tapping into something other than myself that fills me with vitality, purpose, and motivation. I used to wonder if it was some kind of grandiose thinking or mania that comes from being depressed for long stretches of time but there’s too much humility present in whatever it is im receiving, and these periods of silence and solitude in retrospect have been where some of my most creative visions and best life decisions have come from. It is a deeply spiritual experience for me that I long for through my numbed-out days. My call is to learn each day how to  get back in relationship with this part of myself? Part of the universe? God? So that I can manifest that love in the world. My daily drive is to learn to live in faith. I feel I’m at the edge of some kind of spiritual growth that I’m afraid of, if I can only let go and trust then I believe I can have a great loving effect on the world. I’m afraid of being powerful.

I suppose erasing fears and living in faith is my call. I live out of curiosity to see what great things can happen if im not afraid. Easier said than done of course

It is cold here in the 30’s but i’m still getting outside and running. No snow where im at.

After journaling some today and feeling frustrated again with my lack of progress in feeling good about myself, i realized I don’t exactly know how to feel good about myself without stroking my ego. Thinking about how attached i am to achievements, and concrete numbers for feeling good about myself. Being a therapist is the first job i’ve had where comparison to others, or having a concrete measure of achievement is non-existent and pointless anyway. I often leave work feeling confused as to whether I did anything worthwhile that day. Every other job i’ve had involved some kind of measurable outcome that i relied on to feel as if I did something productive that day.

For me to feel good about being a therapist I have to feel good about myself. My clients might leave the session feeling worse than they came in after looking at themselves for an hour. When i’m feeling good about myself and life i can recognize this as a necessary part of the process of growth and awareness, when i’m not feeling great i just think i did a shit job and suck at everything.

I have a problem of co-dependence. Either i am dependent on the approval of others, or i’m dependent on comparison to others. I really hate that I have this problem and believe it as the root of my anxiety, because i’m not getting approval from others and don’t want to compare myself to other people anymore, i feel I have no way to generate something that feels like love and validation for myself.

The result is i increase all of my addictions to feel “good” which have been pretty bad lately. If only i could change my beliefs about myself to be more loving where i didn’t have to exclusively rely on outside validation, i think i’d live such a more fulfilling life.

Thank you for your time and attention Anita, i Realize i write alot when i post here and i really appreciate you.

I definitely do not anticipate connection anymore. In fact i actively anticipate that i wont feel connected at all regardless of the situation, which i’m sure doesn’t help either. Any time i do anything social with my roommate now i’ve noticed i remind myself going into the interaction “don’t forget no one actually cares about you or is going to care about you, don’t expect anyone to give you attention, you are here because they are being nice, so be grateful they are even willing to be around someone as sad and boring as you” The worst part is these thoughts are not outside of my awareness, i am very much awake, aware, and consciously feeding them, which i see as a huge red flag for how hopeless i feel about my life and future right now.

I keep coming back here, and specifically talking with you Anita to feel some kind of empathetic connection with a human being, even if it largely one-sided and we won’t ever meet in person. It is still helpful to write here soley for the encouragement to keep trying. I have worked hard to create connections in my in person life to varying degrees of success.

I will keep trying, however i need to be courageous enough to risk my safety in the false-self image i have created and be vulnerable. I have these ridiculous expectations that I should’nt need other people ever, that i have to have a partner my friends and family would approve of, and that i have to be extremely successful and recognized as a leader in my career. It’s so silly and exhausting.

Thank you for the well wishes Anita! I also hope you are doing well

I’ve been doing alright lately. One thing that has been on my mind is how i spend my time. I condensed my schedule to 2 long days/per week instead of working 3 days. This has allowed me to be more efficient with my time and minimize switching between different tasks on work days. This has been a welcome change for me as i have spent way too much of life in service to others at the expense of my own health. However, what i’ve discovered is that i don’t know what to do with myself. I have 3 free weekdays and the weekend also, which i struggled to fill with anything that felt meaningful to me.

in the mornings on my non workdays, i am practicing day trading from about 8-11am. then im free to do whatever i want. My plan was to get into a craft that i could also make money from like restoring furniture, or making skateboards. However, i didn’t feel motivation to do those things. When i thought about how i could spend my time the recurring theme was a question of “is this activity the best use of my talents?” While some other people celebrate my talents and abilities it sometimes feels like a burden to me, because what if i choose the wrong thing and there was some other thing that could have been the thing i was supposed to excel at and devote my energy to. Then i end up feeling overwhelmed which leads me to addictive behaviors or depression and doing nothing at all, except feeling like a failure for not choosing a path.

I realize this is a privileged problem i have, but having this much free time for the first time ever also made me realize how empty my life feels. I don’t feel a part of anything. I have friends but none i feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with. I spent most of that free time in isolation (the recent covid spike didn’t help either). I guess i’m realizing without being a workaholic I don’t have much to celebrate in my life, i spend alot of time alone trying to figure out “what the hell is wrong with me now?” or when the weather is nicer i’m out skateboarding 3 hours a day so i don’t have to think about my lack of meaningful relationships, or activities. I’m looking for some guidance on how to find the path i was meant to follow, not the one that has been prescribed for me by family, and society.

Anita thank you for you well wishes.

I have been reading over your response for a few days now. I arrived Wednesday night stayed for thanksgiving and left Friday morning. I no longer allow my mother, father, or sister to steal my empathy. I don’t talk to my mother at all unless i’m in person with her, and I watch closely my reactions to her distress so to not push my needs aside. I have no empathy left for my parents whatsoever.

Me and my sister were downstairs in the kitchen thanksgiving day cooking food, my mom calls my sister from upstairs on the phone, crying hysterically with no explanation saying she wouldn’t be attending thanksgiving then rudely hung up on my sister. Anita, I am %100 truthful with you that i couldn’t give a damn whether or not she attended thanksgiving or not. My sister noticed i was lost in thought for a few moments about a half hour later, and asked what was on my mind, i told her “i was just over here thinking about how i can be more empathetic with myself”

These are the reactions i have to my mothers pain now. It is simply a reaffirming reminder to give myself the love i missed/am missing out on. Same goes for my father. There was another incident a few months ago where she sent me and my sister a long angry text message complaining about how we dont have a relationship anymore. I never text back, I woke up that morning read it and didn’t give it a second thought. I reminded my self then to keep focused on my needs.

I’m not sure how to communicate that i am more detatched from my parents than i have ever been. I don’t make plans with them, i don’t talk to them when im not in their physical presence whatsoever, and even when i am in their presence I dont respond to their bullshit. Its like i have a third person view of myself and the effects it will have on me in these situations so i don’t engage at all.

I’m going to keep seeing my sister. I may even be in the presence of my parents 2-3 times per year. I can assure you i could care less what happens to them anymore, I think about my parents death from time to time and wonder how i would feel, there are no loose ends for me. My sister has finally got into therapy and is starting to move the same direction i have been for years now and she no longer tries to mediate for any of us.

I hear your message loud and clear. I suppose i’m really wanting help getting my emotional needs met without having to compromise myself. I hate that everyone acts as if we don’t need other people. If human beings didn’t help each other we wouldn’t of survived this many thousands of years. Yes i understand co-dependence is a thing, and that’s not what im looking for either, been there done that.

I just really want to come up with a strategy to help me get my social/emotional needs met other than “don’t talk to your parents” I get that. I want to help myself either let go of the longing for a partner/love or find a way to soothe the pain of loneliness. The best strategy i have come up with has been being with my wounded child self and attempting to empathize with it. Nowhere in that process am i telling myself to empathize with my parents, quite the opposite. When i grieve my childhood now, it’s not from a place of “it was your fault you weren’t loved” yes im still angry about it, but i’m not waiting on my parents to repair it or placing my empathy with them. I am worried about me and only me. When i grieve i just want to figure out how to have hope for a different future, that i won’t always be unloved.

Do you have any strategies for working with loneliness?

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by noname.

Thank you

Anita

I have a somewhat personal question for you. I rarely have the opportunity to openly talk to anyone who has done work on themselves and is older than me. I am doing alright lately, but i’ve been struggling with thoughts about approaching my 30th birthday in April. There are many expectations younger versions of myself had that are probably not going to happen by April. The big ones are…

1. Financial stability-not going to happen I am barely making more money than my expenses. I have no savings, and plenty of student loans. I’m mostly at peace with this one seeing as the American economy is cruel joke on people who work for a living, and I have been working/planning on financial stability and just getting started with a career. I feel like this will be solved in a year or two and I will no longer be cutting corners to live.

2. A job/career i feel good about-This one is also getting worked on I’m going to be cutting back to working as a therapist only 2 days a week because of the stress, and i want to make room in my life for more creative pursuits working with my hands. But, growing up as a “gifted” child put alot of unrealistic expectations on me about how i “should” perform out in the world. I’m learning to accept having an average career as a therapist is okay with me.

I know people don’t mean it this way but even people who love me and care about me frequently talk about my “potential” as if coming from poverty, living with PTSD, and getting a graduate degree with no help wasn’t enough realization of my potential. Don’t get me wrong i see myself as an intelligent multi-talented person but i no longer give a shit about proving this, I feel like my gifts may take longer to manifest into material reality than others, again which is fine. I still struggle with comparison to others in my life which i’m working on.

3.I’d have my life figured out-I thought by thirty my mental health would be alot better. I remember when i was 23 and broke up with my GF and was suicidal i told myself “just give yourself to 30 and see what happens then you can end it if life still sucks” Well 30 is near and my mental health has no doubt improved, I don’t cut anymore, i don’t act on suicidal urges, i haven’t been hospitalized since 23, i am capable of tolerating more pain, I know what to do in crisis situations with myself and others. However, in other ways my mental/emotional health is still not where i want it to be. I still frequently feel worthless and unlovable, i still struggle with depression, I still struggle with impulsive behaviors, and the hardest one i still struggle in relationships….

4.Relationships– This has been on my mind alot, one time you said something to me like if i didn’t have the type of relationship i had with my parents i probably would have been in a secure relationship by now. This stuck with me and the older i get i think your right. I have a disorganized anxious-avoidant attachment style which you are familiar with by now, the thing i want the most i fear most. Every time i have any romantic interest i am painfully reminded of my childhood pain. I get it, don’t live in the past etc. but these patterns have stuck with me and are starting to feel impossible to break. I’m at a point where i feel as if a meaningful relationship with a woman hasn’t happened by now it probably isn’t going to.

The other issue im having around this is being self-compassionate towards the pain i experience with this. Many people in our culture are highly critical of anyone seeking connection with others spewing off some version of “love yourself first…you don’t need anyone else to be happy” and sure i get it, but all ive been doing for the past 7 years is working on myself and without support from others it really hasn’t stuck that well.

It’s hard to feel lovable when the people responsible for teaching you love didn’t do it. Im wondering what the solution to this problem of feeling lovable is going to be? recently i have felt lovable and worthy at times, however when i’m triggered for whatever reason the grief and anger towards my parents return. I thought I had taken care of the grief associated with being neglected, but the more i learn about mental health and myself i realize my wounds are barely healed. I find myself crying for the childhood version of myself that was left alone as a baby while mother was passed out trying to kill herself. Recently i learned this happened multiple times throughout my childhood. I think the depth of the neglect is really starting to sink in with me. And as i work with children i see how delicate these young people are and how well they respond to the smallest amount of my validation and the difference it makes in their mood, it makes me wonder just how much of an impact never having a safe space in my life has had on me.

I know that was alot but what i’d like to know about your experience is

1. do you still grieve over your childhood? is it helpful to empathize with the wounded child in me?

I want to be clear i dont feel sorry for myself i am painfully aware people had it worse than me, but i am wondering if pain associated with my childhood should be ignored or felt

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by noname.