Anita

Thanks again for your thoughtful reply, it is comforting knowing when i can’t reach my therapist or don’t feel comfortable talking to others that this resource is here, especially you. Thank you.

Since you wrote me that in sept2017 i have very much stopped taking care of my mom. I’ve even been mid conversation with her and just abruptly ended it by saying “mom you need to talk to s0meone else about this.” when it feels she is looking for her answers through me. She even called me a couple months ago and asked if she did something wrong because i dont check on her as much. She is also starting to heal from her divorce which is good. I’m an hour away from most of my immediate family so doing too much for others is not really an issue right now.

I have found myself ruminating over trauma and damage caused by my parents lack of self care, which left me also uncared for.  It makes me angry to see myself as a crying baby while my mom tried to kill herself, or being 3 years old hiding in a cabinet because my dad was destroying the house in anger. But what really makes me angry is the denial of these realities until very recently, it made me feel growing up as if I was doing something wrong because i wasn’t happy but according to my parents growing up our home life was “fine” Now as an adult revisiting my childhood i see domestic violence perpetrated by my father on all members, emotional neglect, not to mention the horrors i experienced growing up in the hood.

If i’m to be completely honest i get depressed because im straight up lonely, especially at night. I desperately want to share with someone my happiness when i feel it and my pain when i need soothing. Whats frustrating is I know that even if my desire to have a partner was reached I would then be in a constant state of anxiety from distrust of people based on being lied to and cheated on a few times in the past. I even had a dream last night that i was with a woman and she was cheating on me with one my friends. My way of dealing with life has always been fatalistic. expect the worse and i cant be dissapointed. Of course it keeps me relatively safe, but still disconnected from the joys of the world.

I also feel very inexperienced when it comes to women at this point i’ve been in one 5 year relationship non-cohabitating, 2 that lasted a couple months, and more recently a one night stand that turned into a very intense week of closeness that felt like exactly what i needed though the woman also had bipolar disorder, been sexually abused, and sought sex to cope, she also moved for a job. Most women i meet just want to fuck, but ill treat them like queens regardless taking extra good care of them sexually and emotionally, they get addicted and then take advantage of me.

The lonely feeling has only every really been quenched by romance for me. I feel guilty because i have made amazing friends over the past few years and i’m more social than i’ve ever been in my life yet i still feel alone and empty. It’s hard for me to really want to share the truth with people because most people freak out and go into “fix it” mode or are just paralyzed by my truth for which ill bail them out by saying something like “but im fine” even though im really not okay right now. i’ve cut my self on two different occasions within the past 3 months.

I’ve thought that maybe if i just feel the sadness let it be there and run its course that it will eventually weaken. My thinking about this now is that i dont just want to not be sad, instead i want to be at peace and experience joy. I don’t know if i’m just being lazy by letting myself be sad and not fighting with it.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by noname.

Anita

I completely agree with you about calm being good enough. I certainly know there are things i could be doing to bring about calm in my life that i am not doing right now (meditation, being in nature, etc.) That is very good point that when the anxiety is reduced there comes room for joy. Thinking back to when i have felt joy in the past couple years it usually came about when life was slow, not too many obligations, and i was able to really focus on caring for myself, and even had the energy and time to care for others which also brings me much joy when i’m in a healthy state of mind. This gives me hope and some clarity as to what i need to be doing for myself right now.

Thank you

Thanks again Anita, I read your replies as soon as you write them, and come back to them when I need strength. It’s nearly 2 am right now, and I can’t sleep, I’ve been crying in so much pain for the past couple hours. I don’t know what to do to keep going. I was extremely close to texting my ex of 3 years, and my ex of 1 year because I’m in desperate need of love. I know she(3year ex) won’t respond though, as our breakup was messy, and I tried to kill myself. I’m so tired, I can’t sleep though, I don’t know where else to find the love I desperately need right now. I have been distant at work, in class, and in general. I don’t know how long I can continue living without feeling love. While I’ve felt greater pain, I don’t know that I have the strength to endure for much longer. I really want this pain to stop. I need a hug badly, I haven’t been held in over a year. I’m trying not to do anything to put my pain on others by alerting them to how bad shit really is right now. I don’t know there’s anything anyone can do, but just knowing there is another human out there who can hear my cry helps a lot, so thank you for reading this.

Thank you both for your responses.

I can agree that I probably do have too much going on, unfortunately quitting school is not really an option in my mind.  While it is a major source of stress I lack only 1 1/2 years before I’m done. If I was to quit now and go back to the work I was doing with my bachelors, I would soon want to be back in school asap, because the type of social work jobs you get with a bachelors are ridiculous in regards to pay and stress level. Right now school is my #1 priority because it would grant me the financial stability I’ve never had.  I have been looking for other student jobs at the university however, hopefully something works out for me.

I’ve been contemplating talking with my dad, I have alot of anger and disgust towards him right now, though I still love him, I don’t know that I want to be around an abusive person who refuses to look inside themselves and make a change, or get help that’s not court ordered.

I think whats hurts the most in regards to my parents, is that I never felt cared for. The lack of love which has been missing from my life (source of depression), is what motivates to me to want to date even though i have nothing to offer to anyone right now except my misery. At the same time i would hate to attract another unhealthy relationship which is why I am ambivalent about dating at all. But i need something soon. Like I said before suicide is off the table though i still have thoughts from time to time. I know i have a purpose which is what keeps me here but i don’t want to feel like a martyr, I desperately want to find some enjoyment in life.

Im becoming afraid of myself again, I seriously considered cutting a couple days ago which i haven’t done in 2 years, i find myself screaming in frustration, and crying every morning trying to find the physical and emotional strength to step out of my door. I don’t know how but i just do it, with a fake ass smile on my face.

I have tried to stop caring for my mom so much but she wears my sister out in the same way, and its taking its toll on her too, which I can’t stand to watch so I keep taking care of my mom to hopefully lighten the load on my sister. I don’t see that there are too many other areas where I can control my current stress level other than modifying my relationship with my mom, even then if i stopped caring so much i would just feel guilty, and maybe feel worse. It is so difficult for me to see my problems as important, my therapist labored over this with me, and i hate myself for not loving myself, bit of a paradox there, but i swear i try i just don’t always know how to go about it.

Im sorry if im being pessimistic, it just feels like barely anything about life is in my control or ever really has been. I think back to a quote from Viktor Frankl often, that goes something like when life is completely out of our control all we have left is to choose our attitude towards a situation. I promise I’m trying hard to stay positive, there was a time when I didn’t care at all and would just let my negativity take over. I’m just very tired right now, and i think i’m reaching a point where i feel as if this dynamic with myself is going to go on forever because i’m trying but not necessarily feeling any happier about things.

I have pretty much always struggled with perfectionism, it was the reason I was/am so hard on myself, I was a very well mannered child, excellent student, overachiever etc. I did this because I always thought if I could discipline myself it would make my parents life easier, which it ultimately did, they never had to spank me as a kid, or tell me something twice, but it caused me to be hypervigillant of any imperfection I had which ultimately led to me starting to self harm out of frustration of never being “good enough”. I honestly thought I had begun to accept myself, I no longer hide my scars which took years to get to that point. I can see though that battle is not over, but trying to tell myself I can’t do it alone and I’m worthy of help/love is still a struggle just because I have always been the most composed rock solid person in my family, at work, or with friends.

I refuse to take medication I’ve sertraline twice for about 3 months on two separate occasions and hated it. My personal opinion on antidepressants is that I might as well be self medicating with weed, less side effects, and I can use as needed. To me antidepressants just made me way to numb.

Thanks for the replies again.

Anita,

yes this is very exhausting and I’m not quite sure how to escape this cycle of guilt. I suppose i could try accepting it for what it is and that it may never ever completely heal and go away and just learn to live with it.

I think my need for love is possibly too tall an order to for myself or anyone else to fill. I just want to feel as if i’m cared for but i realize i can’t just ask someone to do this. But the need is immediate, and overwhelming. I’m so sick of just living with hopes that tomorrow might be the day. I’m becoming inpatient, and childish in that respect. I honestly can’t see a reason why anyone would ever care for me, I mean why would anyone give a shit what happens to me when there are thousands of other healthier people out in the world.

Just don’t know how to cope right now.

Eliana

I do practice seeing other people as myself since i began to dabble in Buddhist teachings a couple years ago. I found this helped me to be more compassionate towards others, especially difficult or angry people. Also, it has helped me level with people meaning I no longer put people on a pedestal so to speak, or idolize them, I understand we’re all a little rough around  the edges.

Despite the fact when I began dating this last woman, I went into it with the mindstate that no one else is going to make me happy (much different than in my past), that is my responsibility. I still feel the overwhelming need for support and love from other people. Taking responsibility for my own happiness certainly has helped me to be more relaxed when going on dates and meeting people in general than in the past. This was reflected back to me when she told me how nervous she was at first, and that I was quickly able to make her feel very comfortable being herself with me. That was good to hear, because I think it means I communicate authentically, and honestly. At least I can take that with me as a sign of growth and progress.

Anita

I talked to my mom this morning because i was a mess and having trouble getting out of bed. I admitted to her that I didn’t feel the love as a child, and still have trouble feeling it. She cried a little bit, but admitted that she knew this was true and regretted leaving me alone so much as a kid and not hugging or showing affection towards me and my sister, she said she looks back at pictures from my childhood and it’s clear to her how sad I was. She admitted to her and my father being inaccessible and unresponsive to my emotional needs as a child. She explained that it was even hard for her to allow my friends to come over when I was in high school, she wasn’t aware of how afraid of letting people into her home and close to her she was because of what happened to her as a child. Essentially I inherited her fear and unlovability she felt for herself because of trauma she went through.

After this conversation I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me, even though it shouldn’t have took her explicitly telling me that I wasn’t properly cared for, it feels like I finally have the permission to stop blaming myself, and to really begin to love myself through empathy as you said. It finally feels like it’s not all my fault I grew up with all these issues, instead of me just telling myself it’s not my fault. I was just a kid after all, and that kid is still part of me. I’ve got to be kinder towards that part of me, and not be angry with it for being in need.

Easier said than done of course but this is certainly progress, even though i thought i loved myself every so often something happens that tests me and brings my truest feelings to the surface. I’m positive i’m nowhere near done dealing with this, it’s likely i will still feel depressed, still want to give up, and still not love myself like I should, but at least now I know why I feel this way and how I should treat myself in those situation.

For that I am thankful for this site, Anita, Eliana, and Tatjiana, you all have helped me gain some perspective, hope, and relief before I can see my therapist next week.

Rich