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    Wanting to update this and seeking assistance. Life never ceases to be difficult is something i’m beginning to learn. I used to believe that one day i’ll wake up and the pain that I have been feeling for so long will have finally paid off somehow. People often compare emotional pain to physical training in that pain will make us stronger after it’s over and we have healed, while i have found this to be true, ive also found that, even when i have had a good week and can say that i feel happy, the pain is always lingering. Even when i have experienced some growth and made progress, the voice in my mind telling me i’m unlovable and have nothing to offer the world is still very, very loud. It makes me want to stay small and keep away from people, cowering back to my comfortable misery of being isolated and closed off. This inner conflict no matter what my life circumstances is really hurting me.

    I feel unattractive, worthless, and unlovable. However, on an intellectual level i know all of that is bullshit, i know people find me attractive, i know i help change peoples lives, and i know all people are deserving of love so why i am so special that i cant be loved? This is the frustrating part for me knowing on a cognitive level my worth however emotionally i still feel like shit.

    I recently broke up with a woman who i was with for about 3 months because she lied to me and was still talking to someone else after she said she wouldn’t. I had set a boundary with this woman about 1 month in after we started to get physical, and she agreed to be exclusive, but she did’t. however it hurts like we together for 3 years or something. I knew better than to invest into this woman because i could clearly see she was emotionally unavailable and just broke up with her bf of 2 yrs, and she told me she didnt want a relationship, but i still tried anyway, so i dont really blame her for lying to me too much, yes it was wrong but i saw it coming. I feel like i take loss harder than most people and i hate that someone else has the power to make me sad, but i also feel like if i don’t give people my authentic open and loving self then i’ll never get what i need either despite it being more risky than keeping my guard up all the time.

    At this point i’m still in search of hope for the future i feel broken.



    Dear Rich:

    Welcome back to your thread.

    Regarding this woman lying to you, I believe that she is still responsible for lying to you, that she did you wrong, lying to you even if you saw it coming. A person who abuses another in any way is as responsible for doing so whether the abused let it happen or not, even if the abused comes back for more. She lied- her wrongdoing, not yours.

    I understand cognitive understanding vs emotional understanding. The core beliefs you expressed, being unlovable, that is a thought glued with emotion that is imprinted in the brain. When you think a counter thought: I am lovable, there is no emotion to attach this thought into your brain. So you have a … dry thought that doesn’t have a chance to undo the core belief.

    How to get a counter emotional experience so that you can feel being lovable? Only one way, and that is to have a loving relationship of some sort. It is similar to a person looking for a job that requires prior experience- how will you get the experience if you don’t get the job first. Maybe in a similar way that some people solve this job/prior experience conflict, your love/ prior experience can be resolved…


    Karen Murphy

    Dear Rich,

    Last night I was ruminating about my own life and wondering why I keep finding myself in difficult situations. I started googling some things and stumbled on a little booklet called “As a man thinketh” by James Allen. It’s about how our thoughts can shape so much in our life. I never read the Power of Positive Thinking or The Secret or any of those type of books, but I’m guessing they are similar. It’s a short book of maybe 20 pages and free to download on Amazon. Maybe it will help!


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