Anita

You’re response about fear of losing something and settling in a familiar place of safety instead is very true for me. I am notorious for backing out of commitments and not taking social risks. Although, i have made much progress over the years in confronting fears socially, physically, and in my mind. I am understanding what you mean when you say healing “takes more than what you did so far” i forget this often.  As long as i’m alive I will be learning about myself and meaning through the trials of life.

I’m glad to report i had a good week last week, i was able to see my therapist, which lead to very productive sessions with my own clients later in the same day. I was able to see quite a few friends and family over the holiday weekend. Although my life is no where near stable, i don’t feel so down on myself anymore, or rather im better equipped to empathize with myself and have recognized the worth and importance of my individual existence to the world.

I go through periods where life feels more or less meaningful. The ups and downs frustrate me and i struggle to accept that anytime i am having a good feeling that it will pass, because as we’ve talked about the pain feels like it will never end every time. I feel comfortable in pain. It’s my way of saying to life “i told you so! see no matter what i do nothing will ever sustain my happiness, so might as well not try and stay in this place.” Which is untrue. Yet I lack the courage at times to take risks, and the courage to endure the pain, i self medicate instead.

My current frustration with myself continues to be associated with sexual desire, and desire for companionship. I don’t necessarily fantasize about sex when i speak of desire rather an extremely deep craving to be held. it makes my breathing heavy just thinking about receiving a hug and how amazing it might feel. I rarely have sex dreams, most of my dreams and fantasies about women have to do with companionship and love. I have officially given up on all forms of social media and dating apps after being stood up 3 seperate times this week by different people. It makes me question why do i even want companionship? i mean what would a girlfriend actually do for me? also Why is the urge to have companionship so strong within me? in alot of ways it seems like it would only end up being another thing to worry about going wrong in my life. However i really need a solution for this daily constant pain. Im not sure i can convey just how heavy and pervasive this feeling is for me, its the heaviest feeling i have and the one that follows me everywhere, the same feeling that makes me feel like i could potentially have a break down at any time.

I was at a coffee shop studying today and i see couples everywhere it seems, enjoying eachothers company, and my eyes begin to water my breathing gets heavy and i have to leave the shop immediately before i just start crying. I ask myself what is this feeling about, sure there’s some envy in there however i always try to be happy for people who appear to be happily coupled, i realize envy makes me bitter. I sat in my car before driving off crying wondering what it is that bothers me so much about seeing couples, thinking about dating, etc. I reached the conclusion that i look at what others have and believe im undeserving of such things, that i may deserve to be loved but not intimately loved such as they appear to be. This feeling is by far the hardest one to accept and as i write this it is evident to me i still feel unlovable. I’m still unsure about how to go about working on feeling lovable. It also is becoming evident that i try too hard to make myself seem more lovable, I take good care of my physical appearance, i dress well, i make every attempt to take care of others when possible, i have many creative pursuits, my apartment is spotless, i study psychology and other sciences in an effort to understand why i struggle to connect with others. I try very hard at life, i’m very talented and knowledgeable in a multitude of skills and always have been, in alot of ways i behave as if i pretend to love myself hoping someone will love me even though i might really feel worthless.

Basically although I’m not currently feeling suicidal or as bad as I did a few days ago, I still feel worthless, and have nothing to look forward to and don’t know what to do about it. This isn’t the same as dealing with the those childish critical thoughts of myself, this feels like my life is pointless.

Thank y0u Anita,

I will try my best to do better next time. I didn’t use to be so mean to people that hurt me. This is definitely a recent phenomenon within the past year. My tolerance for liars has fell to zero. I’m stuck in place where i trust very few people. I’m looking for  my wholeness in other people knowing its not there. But i know i need other people to some extent or else ill just keep staying depressed

Anita

Thank you again i meant to post this morning but i didnt have time before work. Unfortunately i didn’t have a very good day. I have been practicing empathy with myself such as you mentioned above and it helped to pull me out of the roughest part of my depression. I went for a much needed run and talked to myself kindly and with encouragement which is required when running if i want to push through the pain (metaphor for life maybe?). After having read my journal from 10 years old it is evident to me my mentality has been what it is since even before that age, and that 6 or 7 year old child is running my life right now and has been for a while. Essentially im trying to undo and relearn a lifetime of unhealthy thinking and feeling patterns which doesen’t sound easy by any means, therefore i need to be easy on myself about mistakes in the process because the workload is enormous. When im talking back to that voice im envisioning myself as a child in some of my more vulnerable moments.

While yesterday and the first half of today were good. things went wrong this afternoon and i had a meltdown at work. Throughout this most recent episode of depression i have talked to no one about it except here and the woman i was most recently with for only a couple weeks, in which time she told me she loved me but she had to move for a job and would like to stay friends. I thought that would be good and finally allow me to end a relationship on a good note for the first time ever. Everything was okay for the most part we would occasionally reach out to eachother for mutual support in depression. She sent me very mixed messages sometimes indicating that she still wished we could be together. Me needing love i was hooked. So this morning i sent her a thank you message for helping me through this most recent episode. I thought i had ended the conversation but she felt the need to keep it going rationalizing to me why she would have made a bad girlfriend, but that im not burdening her by reaching out and i told her the same and that i’d like to stay friends and even talk about good things when they happen too. She responded by telling me she moved away to live with her boyfriend and that she’s polyamorous. From there the conversation turned nasty from my end saying things like “i fucking hate you” “lying b**tch” “how do you live with yourself” etc. not my best moment by any means, i even left a voicemail apoligizing and then called her a b**tch again. pathetic.

After the text messages im in my office pacing having a full blown panic attack. I shut the door and sit down on the couch for a while until i caught my breath, then fell on the floor crying with my shirt in my mouth so no one would hear. I know myself and didnt want to alert any of my coworkers so i quickly gathered my things but had to return an item to the front desk before i left. Im sure it was obvious to my coworkers i wasnt doing well i dropped off the item and quickly left head down for the exit while holding back sobs. I call an old man who i take groceries to sometimes to ask if i can come over and talk. I knew if i went home in this state i probably would still be in that state. I thought to myself i cant be alone with my pain any longer. he gave me a hug and talked to me for an hour which calmed me down alot. he says alot of similar things that you do in a different way of course. Ultimately he wanted me to leave his house knowing that all the pain im carrying does not need to be carried alone, and its okay to be upset with my parents. We didn’t spend much time even talking about this girl who lied to me other than to forgive myself for wanting to love someone and be loved. from there i went over my friends house and just asked if i could talk to him because he had met the woman im talking about. I told him about my struggles in life and with suicide. I decided to tell him because he had opened up to me in the past after a rough night out, and he’s always happy to see me. Im glad i reached out to a friend and had the courage to be honest.

I still dont feel awesome today though. Now im wrestling with wondering if there was any love between me and this woman at all. Im also really nervous about how i left the office, i sent an email to the people that saw me leave stating i got some bad news and everything is okay. Do you think that was inappropriate? And I feel awful about calling a woman a bitch for the second time this year, granted they were both lying to me but still gender specific slurs are the worst. I feel like a horrible person for not always expressing my anger compassionately .

im sure i have much pain awaiting me

Anita

Thanks again for your replies, i did indeed feel hopeless when i posted. I never thought much of the distinction of believing im hopeless and feeling hopeless. I guess i don’t always feel hopeless, but the belief that i am hopeless is part of this persistent pain im talking about. If I believe there is no hope then i don’t have much motivation to try. Life feels meaningless i have lost my drive, which is not surprising because i have always been shame driven.  How to convince myself there is hope for me when i cant think of anything to look forward to?

It’s ironic that you have been encouraging me to empathize with myself as a child. My mom found a journal of mine from 4th grade. As a 10 year old i wrote “Today’s valentines day, and me being who i am i didn’t do well at anything. So far its 11:40am and i’ve been having a bad day. I got half a sandwhich for breakfast, messed up a whole bunch in band class, and the more i think about it ill never be like everyone else”

I read that today and almost cried. After reading that and some other passages I think I realized my 10 year old self was already very damaged and im wondering how no one saw the signs. Either way when i read that quote i’m still conflicted trying to empathize with myself. It feels like i’m complaining and being ungrateful. However if a kid that i worked with wrote something like i did above i would be concerned and would want to help.

I feel so pathetic, and as if ill never be fully accepted by another person

Anita

Thank you for your response. I will try my best at changing the way I talk to myself. But ive tried this in my head and it doesent make me feel any better most times. I don’t understand why I fight the sadness so hard.

It is so difficult to go through these battles alone. I feel in severe need of physical contact with another human. I’m just talking about a hug nothing more. I might get a hug once a month maybe and usually only when I visit my family. Yesterday I could not stop sobbing uncontrollably in my room it was EXTREMELY difficult for me not to break anything in my house or self harm. I cried until I was too tired to stay awake. I curled up in a ball on the floor wishing someone could here me but of course there was no one there.

My motivation to take care of myself is weakening, as I have rarely been cared for in my life other than therapy and groups. At the same time it sounds like an excuse to me to be sad because I need human connection.

I don’t know if my sadness is justified. It’s so hard for me to let myself cry for myself I was always told not to be a victim. I don’t know if I’m just being lazy or if I really have a reason to be sad. Either way im lost in my mind as far as what the next step should be for me in terms of self care that will lead me to connection with people.

Anita

I do have much empathy for my parents less so for myself. Lately as the depressive episodes are becoming more regular again i find myself asking why do i get so depressed from being alone more than a couple hours. I get frustrated with myself and my constant fucking up. I feel like i’ve been going through this pain so long that its hopeless. I have cried alot over my childhood and lack thereof lately. From working with other traumatized individuals im beginning to understand that my problems were not as insignificant as my parents made it seem. I have been through some legitimately fucked up situations is what i’ve learned and my parents did there best to teach me how to hide pain through their behaviors.

I do know that i’m still struggling to see myself as worthy, as i feel worthless most days. The only times i feel fulfilled is usually in the company of a woman. I tell myself “ah you must be worthy because someone is willing to be around you for more than a few hours” but when the relationship inevitably comes crashing down my self worth plummets and right now i’ve lost hope in romance, and im distrusting of most women in general. Im also very jealous of my friends who have no problem finding women, or maintaining relationships. It makes me feel so pathetic. My number of partners is miserably low for someone my age.

Feeling loved is such an abstract concept to me, that i’m not sure how to go about feeling it.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by noname.

I feel unlovable I think because just as I am I’ve never felt accepted by others or as if i were good enough. I only feel accepted when I help other people. When i need help people indirectly show that they can’t handle it, or that I’m burdening them, or they just start talking about themselves.

Also being cheated on and lied to tells me there’s something about me that isn’t worthy of being loved.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by noname.