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  • in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #214743
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    Thank you for your ongoing support and responsiveness you have definitely helped me through the roughest of this most recent episode of chronic depression.

    At this point when I begin to feel marginally better is usually when I’ll restart my downward spiral. I’m hoping to maybe not sink so low this time to the point of suicidal thoughts again. The first step was moving my therapist appointment to next tuesday and I’ll probably start going at least twice a month regardless of how well I’m feeling, at least until my life seems to be on track again. The other step has been being more proactive about being open with friends in particular about how I’m really doing. I’m also going to try to find some kind of group or community to help. I’m working with a friend to help develop a training plan for the upcoming bike racing season which will give me something to look forward to and I’ll have the accountability of my friend coaching me so I can make sure to stay active. I’m also going to start meditating again for at least 5 min a day. Basically I’m trying to get my life back I had before starting graduate school, which has been a unpleasant couple of years for me at this point.

    What I’m struggling with now that I’m feeling marginally better is how can I reach a feeling of peace and potentially joy instead of just being “not depressed”? I don’t feel great right now, within the past weeks I’ve deleted all social media & dating apps. I went on one last date yesterday with someone i met through an app and I’ve reached the conclusion that I’ll probably never find a woman who is actually interested in ME via online means, they all want one thing from me, and sex is not really what I need right now. I need care, and I want to care for someone also. I suppose I need guidance towards living a more fulfilling life. Honestly I’m getting very little out of doing therapy with people right now expect an increase in anxiety worried I’ll do or say the wrong thing. My supervisors are saying I’m doing a good job and are often surprised given this is my first couple months, but the fact that my life is such a mess makes me feel unqualified to help anyone else. I look at my friends and feel like an exception, they all have relationships, and report being satisfied with life while I’m constantly miserable for whatever reason. I feel like part of what keeps me depressed Is anxiety. I don’t want to leave the house most days out of fear something might happen I can’t afford, I might get Injured without health insurance, i could harrased by the police again for no reason etc. Now that I’m not completely depressed I’m just apathetic and I want to smile so badly.

     

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #214405
    noname
    Participant

    Thank y0u Anita,

    I will try my best to do better next time. I didn’t use to be so mean to people that hurt me. This is definitely a recent phenomenon within the past year. My tolerance for liars has fell to zero. I’m stuck in place where i trust very few people. I’m looking for  my wholeness in other people knowing its not there. But i know i need other people to some extent or else ill just keep staying depressed

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #214391
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    I meant to say “running my life” no ruining. However what you write still applies there is still much anger towards myself for not being perfect. I will work through that.

    She never mentioned polyamory usually i avoid people who are not because i think its immoral its just not my thing, i understand it works for some people but not for me. I feel used she slept over my house, ate my food, etc. under the pretense that i thought she was genuinely single. At one point she told me she had thought about being in an open relationship not that she already was. I even explicitly asked her about if she had ever had a BF. She went from being a source of hope for me to the point now where im disgusted with her. I think i called her names yesterday because she acted like i should be okay with this because  in her words “i told you who i am” sure she told me she has issues, but she left out a huge part.

    Today im struggling with heavy shame. I dont want to get out of bed because i feel horrible for calling her a bitch even though theres a part of me that wants her to suffer like i am, even though i believe she already is. It was the same situation with the girl before her stating “i told you i wanted to see other people” even though we explicitly set the boundary of not talking to other people who are pursuing or we were pursuing about a month in and she said these words verbatim “rich i wont betray you” and then betrays me. Im sitting here trying to rationalize my lashing out, but neither one of these women deserved that. But i felt like if i dont let people know how hurt/angry i am they wont feel bad at all for looking me dead in my eyes and lying to me.

    I feel like i should hate myself right now.

    It was had for me to control my expression yesterday, but i did my best to hold it together for the 15 sec i was in sight of coworkers. Im really afraid im not going to make it through this year of internship. my supervisors keep telling me im a natural at counseling when reviewing my tapes, but i wonder how long i can keep acting for people. I had a horrible day monday and had some really productive sessions because i put my face on and act like everything is okay. I dont know how long i can keep it together, and if i cant make it the next 10 months to graduation there goes tens of thousands of dollars down the drain

    From all the bullshit that has happened in the last year, having to quit my full time job for school, my parents getting divorced and my dad beating my mom and going to jail, being lied to twice, having to build my own housing to live in during the coldest winter months, greatly reduced social life thanks to school, and not being able to see my therapist when i need to, My head is spinning right now and i see no relief from this madness in sight right now.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by noname.
    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #214329
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    Thank you again i meant to post this morning but i didnt have time before work. Unfortunately i didn’t have a very good day. I have been practicing empathy with myself such as you mentioned above and it helped to pull me out of the roughest part of my depression. I went for a much needed run and talked to myself kindly and with encouragement which is required when running if i want to push through the pain (metaphor for life maybe?). After having read my journal from 10 years old it is evident to me my mentality has been what it is since even before that age, and that 6 or 7 year old child is running my life right now and has been for a while. Essentially im trying to undo and relearn a lifetime of unhealthy thinking and feeling patterns which doesen’t sound easy by any means, therefore i need to be easy on myself about mistakes in the process because the workload is enormous. When im talking back to that voice im envisioning myself as a child in some of my more vulnerable moments.

    While yesterday and the first half of today were good. things went wrong this afternoon and i had a meltdown at work. Throughout this most recent episode of depression i have talked to no one about it except here and the woman i was most recently with for only a couple weeks, in which time she told me she loved me but she had to move for a job and would like to stay friends. I thought that would be good and finally allow me to end a relationship on a good note for the first time ever. Everything was okay for the most part we would occasionally reach out to eachother for mutual support in depression. She sent me very mixed messages sometimes indicating that she still wished we could be together. Me needing love i was hooked. So this morning i sent her a thank you message for helping me through this most recent episode. I thought i had ended the conversation but she felt the need to keep it going rationalizing to me why she would have made a bad girlfriend, but that im not burdening her by reaching out and i told her the same and that i’d like to stay friends and even talk about good things when they happen too. She responded by telling me she moved away to live with her boyfriend and that she’s polyamorous. From there the conversation turned nasty from my end saying things like “i fucking hate you” “lying b**tch” “how do you live with yourself” etc. not my best moment by any means, i even left a voicemail apoligizing and then called her a b**tch again. pathetic.

    After the text messages im in my office pacing having a full blown panic attack. I shut the door and sit down on the couch for a while until i caught my breath, then fell on the floor crying with my shirt in my mouth so no one would hear. I know myself and didnt want to alert any of my coworkers so i quickly gathered my things but had to return an item to the front desk before i left. Im sure it was obvious to my coworkers i wasnt doing well i dropped off the item and quickly left head down for the exit while holding back sobs. I call an old man who i take groceries to sometimes to ask if i can come over and talk. I knew if i went home in this state i probably would still be in that state. I thought to myself i cant be alone with my pain any longer. he gave me a hug and talked to me for an hour which calmed me down alot. he says alot of similar things that you do in a different way of course. Ultimately he wanted me to leave his house knowing that all the pain im carrying does not need to be carried alone, and its okay to be upset with my parents. We didn’t spend much time even talking about this girl who lied to me other than to forgive myself for wanting to love someone and be loved. from there i went over my friends house and just asked if i could talk to him because he had met the woman im talking about. I told him about my struggles in life and with suicide. I decided to tell him because he had opened up to me in the past after a rough night out, and he’s always happy to see me. Im glad i reached out to a friend and had the courage to be honest.

    I still dont feel awesome today though. Now im wrestling with wondering if there was any love between me and this woman at all. Im also really nervous about how i left the office, i sent an email to the people that saw me leave stating i got some bad news and everything is okay. Do you think that was inappropriate? And I feel awful about calling a woman a bitch for the second time this year, granted they were both lying to me but still gender specific slurs are the worst. I feel like a horrible person for not always expressing my anger compassionately .

    im sure i have much pain awaiting me

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #214051
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    I’m not sure where to go from here. Today I’m very depressed and really don’t want to be at work but I dont have much choice because other people are depending on me to be there for them. I’m having the hardest time empathizing with myself. My thinking is since empathy for myself is so foreign to my way of thinking and feeling that I’m very resistant to it.

    When I’m depressed all I can think of is “get it together” or “try harder”. So much of my identity is tied to my work ethic, that I cant relax out of fear there’s something I’ve forgotten or I’m doing wrong that I need to be working to fix.

    Above all I think I need to share how I’m feeling with somebody. Posting here is helping but I feel as if I’m rejecting all the help you’re offering because I feel like you’re going to abandon me eventually, the same dynamic plays out in my physical life as well. It’s a way for me to keep myself safe because I feel like I’m all I have.

    Thank you so much for holding out hope for me, and helping when I can’t reach anyone else.

     

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #213989
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    Thanks again for your replies, i did indeed feel hopeless when i posted. I never thought much of the distinction of believing im hopeless and feeling hopeless. I guess i don’t always feel hopeless, but the belief that i am hopeless is part of this persistent pain im talking about. If I believe there is no hope then i don’t have much motivation to try. Life feels meaningless i have lost my drive, which is not surprising because i have always been shame driven.  How to convince myself there is hope for me when i cant think of anything to look forward to?

    It’s ironic that you have been encouraging me to empathize with myself as a child. My mom found a journal of mine from 4th grade. As a 10 year old i wrote “Today’s valentines day, and me being who i am i didn’t do well at anything. So far its 11:40am and i’ve been having a bad day. I got half a sandwhich for breakfast, messed up a whole bunch in band class, and the more i think about it ill never be like everyone else”

    I read that today and almost cried. After reading that and some other passages I think I realized my 10 year old self was already very damaged and im wondering how no one saw the signs. Either way when i read that quote i’m still conflicted trying to empathize with myself. It feels like i’m complaining and being ungrateful. However if a kid that i worked with wrote something like i did above i would be concerned and would want to help.

    I feel so pathetic, and as if ill never be fully accepted by another person

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #213833
    noname
    Participant

    thanks again for your reply. I think im hopeless though. I cant be helped im wasting time you could spend helping someone who can actually be helped.

    Thanks

    Rich

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #213793
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    Thank you for your response. I will try my best at changing the way I talk to myself. But ive tried this in my head and it doesent make me feel any better most times. I don’t understand why I fight the sadness so hard.

    It is so difficult to go through these battles alone. I feel in severe need of physical contact with another human. I’m just talking about a hug nothing more. I might get a hug once a month maybe and usually only when I visit my family. Yesterday I could not stop sobbing uncontrollably in my room it was EXTREMELY difficult for me not to break anything in my house or self harm. I cried until I was too tired to stay awake. I curled up in a ball on the floor wishing someone could here me but of course there was no one there.

    My motivation to take care of myself is weakening, as I have rarely been cared for in my life other than therapy and groups. At the same time it sounds like an excuse to me to be sad because I need human connection.

    I don’t know if my sadness is justified. It’s so hard for me to let myself cry for myself I was always told not to be a victim. I don’t know if I’m just being lazy or if I really have a reason to be sad. Either way im lost in my mind as far as what the next step should be for me in terms of self care that will lead me to connection with people.

     

     

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #213653
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    It has been the hardest task in my life to have empathy for myself. Lately I’ve noticed strong feelings of awe and inspiration when working with clients, or coworkers, family and friends. I have trained myself to see others as empathetically as possible for their strengths and best qualities, my career choice has always necessitated this quality.

    However when it comes to me all of a sudden none of the rules apply. I struggle with being empathetic with myself out of fear of feeling sorry for myself. To some degree I understand self love or else I woudlve never accomplished what I have this far in life. The problem is my form of what I call self love is is probably criticism in reality. In my head loving myself looks striving for perferction, which is unrealistic. Then comes the shame telling me I was never good enough with lots of evidence I’m support to this claim. At that point I find myself unable to resist giving into the shame, and agreeing with the voice in my head telling me I’m worthless because I couldn’t accomplish something.

    Unfortunately I’m not in a financial position to cut ties with my parents, I have begun to talk to my dad again because I bought a car from him I needed to survive school. I don’t expect any kind of emotional support from either one of them anymore. I don’t even talk about it anymore there’s no point. My mom lives with my sister and my sister is one of my best friends so I’m going to see her, but our relationship has changed drastically since last fall I had to become very selfish in many areas of my life Including living alone now. My mom is not stressing me right now, and I’m not worried about it either, shell be okay she made it this long.

    What is stressing me is this empty lonely anxious feeling that doesent seem to let up. It rests in my stomach throughout the day. It’s the feeling right before I have a breakdown but it’s right at the surface. That’s why I’m here. I don’t need another complete breakdown right now. I can’t afford it.

     

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #213473
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    I do have much empathy for my parents less so for myself. Lately as the depressive episodes are becoming more regular again i find myself asking why do i get so depressed from being alone more than a couple hours. I get frustrated with myself and my constant fucking up. I feel like i’ve been going through this pain so long that its hopeless. I have cried alot over my childhood and lack thereof lately. From working with other traumatized individuals im beginning to understand that my problems were not as insignificant as my parents made it seem. I have been through some legitimately fucked up situations is what i’ve learned and my parents did there best to teach me how to hide pain through their behaviors.

    I do know that i’m still struggling to see myself as worthy, as i feel worthless most days. The only times i feel fulfilled is usually in the company of a woman. I tell myself “ah you must be worthy because someone is willing to be around you for more than a few hours” but when the relationship inevitably comes crashing down my self worth plummets and right now i’ve lost hope in romance, and im distrusting of most women in general. Im also very jealous of my friends who have no problem finding women, or maintaining relationships. It makes me feel so pathetic. My number of partners is miserably low for someone my age.

    Feeling loved is such an abstract concept to me, that i’m not sure how to go about feeling it.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by noname.
    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #213447
    noname
    Participant

    I cant edit the last post, but i know i probably sound horribly pessimistic, but its how i feel. I know it may not necessarily be true that i can’t be loved, i certainly believe everyone deserves love.

    I may even be loved right now or have been loved in the past but even then i dont know how im supposed to feel it. I feel guilty for getting excited that someone else wants to see me, i feel as if i must have manipulated them somehow. It also feels uncomfortable putting my trust in anyone but myself at this point. And i dont even trust myself to take care of me anymore.

    I dont know where im going with this, the pain of lonliness feels unbearable but i know i can go on suffering like this the rest of my life if i do nothing, but i desperately want to be at peace.

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #213431
    noname
    Participant

    I feel unlovable I think because just as I am I’ve never felt accepted by others or as if i were good enough. I only feel accepted when I help other people. When i need help people indirectly show that they can’t handle it, or that I’m burdening them, or they just start talking about themselves.

    Also being cheated on and lied to tells me there’s something about me that isn’t worthy of being loved.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by noname.
    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #213383
    noname
    Participant

    Yes my depression has a lot to do (at least subjectively) with not having a woman around and feeling as if i’m at an age where a committed relationship may never happen again. I have very few single friends. It makes me feel even worse about myself that i cant keep any kind of romantic relationships alive for more than a couple months now without it falling apart. I have an underlying constant pain that even when i feel happy reminds me that i cant be loved

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #213365
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    Thanks again for your thoughtful reply, it is comforting knowing when i can’t reach my therapist or don’t feel comfortable talking to others that this resource is here, especially you. Thank you.

    Since you wrote me that in sept2017 i have very much stopped taking care of my mom. I’ve even been mid conversation with her and just abruptly ended it by saying “mom you need to talk to s0meone else about this.” when it feels she is looking for her answers through me. She even called me a couple months ago and asked if she did something wrong because i dont check on her as much. She is also starting to heal from her divorce which is good. I’m an hour away from most of my immediate family so doing too much for others is not really an issue right now.

    I have found myself ruminating over trauma and damage caused by my parents lack of self care, which left me also uncared for.  It makes me angry to see myself as a crying baby while my mom tried to kill herself, or being 3 years old hiding in a cabinet because my dad was destroying the house in anger. But what really makes me angry is the denial of these realities until very recently, it made me feel growing up as if I was doing something wrong because i wasn’t happy but according to my parents growing up our home life was “fine” Now as an adult revisiting my childhood i see domestic violence perpetrated by my father on all members, emotional neglect, not to mention the horrors i experienced growing up in the hood.

    If i’m to be completely honest i get depressed because im straight up lonely, especially at night. I desperately want to share with someone my happiness when i feel it and my pain when i need soothing. Whats frustrating is I know that even if my desire to have a partner was reached I would then be in a constant state of anxiety from distrust of people based on being lied to and cheated on a few times in the past. I even had a dream last night that i was with a woman and she was cheating on me with one my friends. My way of dealing with life has always been fatalistic. expect the worse and i cant be dissapointed. Of course it keeps me relatively safe, but still disconnected from the joys of the world.

    I also feel very inexperienced when it comes to women at this point i’ve been in one 5 year relationship non-cohabitating, 2 that lasted a couple months, and more recently a one night stand that turned into a very intense week of closeness that felt like exactly what i needed though the woman also had bipolar disorder, been sexually abused, and sought sex to cope, she also moved for a job. Most women i meet just want to fuck, but ill treat them like queens regardless taking extra good care of them sexually and emotionally, they get addicted and then take advantage of me.

    The lonely feeling has only every really been quenched by romance for me. I feel guilty because i have made amazing friends over the past few years and i’m more social than i’ve ever been in my life yet i still feel alone and empty. It’s hard for me to really want to share the truth with people because most people freak out and go into “fix it” mode or are just paralyzed by my truth for which ill bail them out by saying something like “but im fine” even though im really not okay right now. i’ve cut my self on two different occasions within the past 3 months.

    I’ve thought that maybe if i just feel the sadness let it be there and run its course that it will eventually weaken. My thinking about this now is that i dont just want to not be sad, instead i want to be at peace and experience joy. I don’t know if i’m just being lazy by letting myself be sad and not fighting with it.

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by noname.
    in reply to: Untitled #191873
    noname
    Participant

    Wanting to update this and seeking assistance. Life never ceases to be difficult is something i’m beginning to learn. I used to believe that one day i’ll wake up and the pain that I have been feeling for so long will have finally paid off somehow. People often compare emotional pain to physical training in that pain will make us stronger after it’s over and we have healed, while i have found this to be true, ive also found that, even when i have had a good week and can say that i feel happy, the pain is always lingering. Even when i have experienced some growth and made progress, the voice in my mind telling me i’m unlovable and have nothing to offer the world is still very, very loud. It makes me want to stay small and keep away from people, cowering back to my comfortable misery of being isolated and closed off. This inner conflict no matter what my life circumstances is really hurting me.

    I feel unattractive, worthless, and unlovable. However, on an intellectual level i know all of that is bullshit, i know people find me attractive, i know i help change peoples lives, and i know all people are deserving of love so why i am so special that i cant be loved? This is the frustrating part for me knowing on a cognitive level my worth however emotionally i still feel like shit.

    I recently broke up with a woman who i was with for about 3 months because she lied to me and was still talking to someone else after she said she wouldn’t. I had set a boundary with this woman about 1 month in after we started to get physical, and she agreed to be exclusive, but she did’t. however it hurts like we together for 3 years or something. I knew better than to invest into this woman because i could clearly see she was emotionally unavailable and just broke up with her bf of 2 yrs, and she told me she didnt want a relationship, but i still tried anyway, so i dont really blame her for lying to me too much, yes it was wrong but i saw it coming. I feel like i take loss harder than most people and i hate that someone else has the power to make me sad, but i also feel like if i don’t give people my authentic open and loving self then i’ll never get what i need either despite it being more risky than keeping my guard up all the time.

    At this point i’m still in search of hope for the future i feel broken.

     

Viewing 15 posts - 226 through 240 (of 264 total)