fbpx
Menu

noname

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 211 through 225 (of 267 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #218019
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    As i write this my parents just left my house (which is an hour away) after coming over unannounced. I let both of them know i was upset about them showing up to my house. They came because they said they wanted to talk about our family history, and that i wouldn’t have agreed to talk if they told me they were coming, for which they are correct. My mom immediately starts talking about how she’s sorry and so forth, and i stopped her as she started crying and explained to her why exactly i havent been contacting her, because of what was happening right in that moment, where she feels guilty and starts crying then i feel guilty/bad. My dad would make excuses saying “we did the best we could” for which i responded “no you didn’t, you could’ve done much better” I was very blunt this morning with my parents, and told both of them i need nothing from them anymore, i told them i accept their apology but it is not going to make me believe im a good person or cure the depression, i told them what will help is me undoing the damage and healing myself, i advised both of them to do the same. I asked what the purpose of thier visit actually was what were they trying to accomplish, for which they responded forgiveness. I told them thats not why they came. because they know i have already forgiven years ago, i told them they were here for themselves to feel better about their own fuck ups.

    I didn’t realize how good my parents are at making excuses for themselves, i told them to stop trying to rationalize their past poor decision making because it’s irrelevant and not news to me. I told them i understand the both of them better than they understand themselves and if they want to be good parents to me to leave me alone in my healing, and they should probably do the same for themselves. In alot of ways i was still parenting my parents but i did it so they can see i dont need them to try to undo the past as it has happened, and for them to understand the best thing they can do for me is to heal for themselves. I let them know i was grateful that they were concerned, and grateful for having my basic needs met as a child, but that doesen’t mean i have to be happy about growing up in an abusive household, which is essentially what they are trying to do with their apology, somehow make me happy about living an emotionally neglected childhood.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by noname.
    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #218001
    noname
    Participant

    And thanks again for being there for me your help is really a source of nourishment for me, that at least helps me try again tommorow. Seriously thank you

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #217997
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    Thanks and I understand the focus on the relationship with my mother, because as you wrote that relationship has been the one that created my shame, my father only added fuel to the fire, but I never felt guilty or responsible over his well being like I did with my mom.

    You may have already addressed this, and I apologize if I’m being redundant but I’m just not understanding how to go about believing myself to be a good person, besides not contacting my mom as you advised. I was reluctant at first to cut contact with my mom because I feel sorry for her, but I see that is exactly the problem. If I don’t call my mom, or am not open with her she starts to blame herself which then makes me feel more guilty and sorry for her, taking my empathy. I think I am getting somewhat better at empathizing with myself. I am motivated by love, and hopefully having self empathy will help me get moving again, but I don’t know if I can reach that place alone, without help, I’m burntout on picking myself up off the ground, as horrible as it sounds sometimes I just want to be rescued.

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #217989
    noname
    Participant

    I’m not sure I know how to go about this seperation. I think I understand what you’re talking about. You’re saying to separate myself from the mental connection I have with my mom. I get that and yes a large part of my depression is feeling like I’m a bad person which came from that relationship. But how do I do this? And what difference would it make if I think I’m a good person yet still isolated and alone? Are you saying by doing that I might be more willing to accept empathy from others thereby connecting and feeling less lonely? Also what importance do you feel my father had in all of this? My relationship with my dad was worse.

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #217981
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    I am a leader and have been out of necessity. I am an anomolie within my extended family, and American culture in general. I have never met another black male therapist. I grew up a leader in my household because my parents lacked guidance. I am a leader in classes and at work because I have the confidence to be authentic all the time, where I see others conforming and not questioning the system were working in or what’s being taught in our classes (diagnosing is a great example where I constantly challenge my professors and sulervisors, and others just blindly accept the fact that we are labeling people using an irrelevant political tool that is the DSM5)

    I’m hitting a wall right now, I don’t see the point in living a lonely life anymore. Sure I have things to be grateful for like housing and food, but I’m not a dog I need more to be fulfilled. I don’t know what to do to get love from someone else. I’m feeling in desperate need of touch. I just want something to be hopeful about, something to motivate me to get out of bed this morning.

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #217715
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    Thank you for your response and empathy. I feel undeserving of your empathy still. I saw my therapist today and discussed the feelings of worthlessness, and not feeling like i have a purpose for my life. I’m not sure i left with any new information because of course he cant tell me what my why or purpose is. He did advise me to keep talking back to and caring for the voices in my head telling me i’m worthless, suggesting that over time this loving voice will become easier to tap into. This is all about i can hope for right now. I’m realizing because i am a natural leader(not by choice) and don’t conform nor have the desire to do so that i may be more be lonely because of this. I don’t know how i feel about that. I shared with him how i don’t feel comfortable talking in class because alot of what i have to say is completely contrary to how the vast majority of my classmates and teachers think. I love that i think for myself and am critical however this same trait is what keeps me alone and makes me feel like i dont belong. I don’t really want to belong either because that would mean i would be conforming to this sick bullshit society, which is more painful. Therefore i will remain safely alone and sad. At the end of the day i just dont want to be alone anymore, and i want to have a reason to get up in the morning besides my innate motivation to survive.

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #217463
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    Thank you for sharing that with me. Again I think on an intellectual level I understand all 4 of the conclusions you wrote for myself. I don’t think It’s possible or necessary in my situation to cut contact with my mother as we barely see each other as is, and she lives with my sister. But i can’t imagine if I expressed that I didn’t and don’t feel cared for that would go over well without her having a meltdown, as I’ve touched on this in the past and it turns into a pity party for her. I know this is a problem for me to figure out though. I don’t really need to talk to my parents about it anymore nor would it do any good because it has become evident to me they are not as emotionally intelligent as I am in the current moment. Maybe they will get there eventually but that’s irrelevant right now.

    Back to changing this core belief…i am I interested in the how or the process it took you to change it. I recognize it and just don’t know what to do about it.

    On another note…currently this morning and since last night after class I’m feeling quite hopeless. I’m doing a class on groups right now which requires students to lead a group and then be members and observers on the nights we arent leading. I lead the first night on Monday, and I did very well. Many people came up afterwards and the next day and complimented me on my abilities to lead groups. I can agree the group went very well and although it was a class exercise many of my classmates  reported feeling more connected because of it. Since I’ve noticed other group leaders taking my approach to leading which is flattering. My role last night was to be a group member and the icebreaker question was what was something we are looking forward to…and this question has been haunting me ever since last night. I revealed that I actually didn’t have anything to look forward to later in the group. I noticed the look on the girls face next to me looked so sad when I said it. And this is part of the reason I don’t share with people because I dont want to disappoint them which kind of goes back to that core belief that I’m a bad person. But what I took away from yesterday is that I don’t have anything to look forward to right now, and I need hope to keep me going. Right now I look forward to your responses and attention because it’s the only thing that feels like love right now. But even that worries me that I might be using you, or my therapist just for the attention.

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #217203
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    Thanks for that explanation that makes perfect sense what you mean by “bad” And understanding how simply my child’s mind worked. I would very much like to hear your experience with changing this belief. It is my biggest hurdle I believe. People are always telling me to go easy on myself or giving me compliments but this core belief of worthlessness deflects people’s care in a very efficient way. Essentially it’s hard for me to like myself, that’s why I work so hard and try to help everyone I meet so I can feel useful.

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #217121
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    I want to thank you again for leading me back to what i truly know to be at the heart of my issues which is feeling im a bad person. For many reasons i feel worthless, and guilty. I don’t want us to ignore the relationship with my father either he had just as much a role in creating this mess as my mother when he told me as an 8 year old it was my job to take care of her.

    Im not understanding what is the “badness” i need to give back. by badness do you mean the things making me feel guilty? Because i’m struggling to pinpoint why exactly i feel guilty within me. I mean i do at times feel some guilt over not being able to help my mom and dad as a child even though i’ve been aware for a number of years now it wasn’t my job. But when i feel guilty now its more a feeling of worthlessness more than anything, like i couldn’t matter to another human being therefore i’m useless and lonely. That is the best description i have of how i feel when im having suicidal thoughts.

    I know it may be there but im struggling to see the connection between my feeling of worthlessness and my mothers (& fathers) “badness”(guilt?) if you could simplify this for me i think i might be able to get at whats really been weighing me down. Also what to do about changing that belief?

     

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #216767
    noname
    Participant

    Anita thanks again for your words, after yesterday I think you are right about me feeling undeserving of empathy because of feeling guilty. This topic has come up with me in the past, and i know some of this has to do with my childhood, as well as internalized societal messages that people of color are guilty. I am overly cautious of every move i make out of fear i might somehow offend someone, therefore im quite and reserved to avoid any mistakes. This makes it near impossible to have fun with people most of the time.

    Yesterday morning i was feeling pretty horrible, very depressed and lethargic. One of my friends who recently bought a house and married needed help moving some stuff so i spent most of the day helping move stuff. I discovered he and his wife have been trying to set me up with one of her friends. I expressed gratitude but told them i wouldn’t want to disappoint anybody. They proceeded to compliment me for which i realized today i have blocked out of mind and cant even remember what they complimented me on. This pretty much confirmed it for me that my sense of worthlessness of my self is deeply ingrained and really seeks to keep me safe by keeping me comfortably alone. How do i resolve this im not sure?

    Later another friend invited me to a going away party for one of my cycling buddies. I knew about half the people there from working out. I noticed myself behaving in the same way when people try to care for me. My friend and his girlfriend asked how i was doing and i told them the truth that i hadn’t been doing great. They were very encouraging and even made sure to introduce me to some new people. I had a good time, but i still left with a profound sense of disappointment and loneliness. Disappointed that i struggle with letting people help me, and lonely because I don’t feel its realistic for anyone to fully accept my flaws.

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #216631
    noname
    Participant

    Im at a point this morning where i have lost all hope. I did not leave the house yesterday, i didnt get out of bed until 5pm and only ate one meal. Im feeling very hopeless and dont really see the point in trying anymore. I dont even know what to try, or what to do to help myself want to keep living.

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #216545
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    Well it feels good that despite you knowing about all the parts of myself I’m not necesarily proud of you still try to help me, and it seems for some reason you wont give up on me either. That’s part of my definition of love, acceptance of someone for all their flaws. It feels really good that I can depend on you to respond within a reasonable amount of time and that you are not put off by some of my responses. It’s not hard for me to understand on an intellectual level, I treat my own clients In the same way. I feel an almost maternal connection with you, wishing I had you’re type of guidance in the flesh more often. You operate in a similar way to my personal therapist which is why I come here so often because I can only see him a couple times a month. I feel grateful for you and this resource.

    I also feel that you are being sincere in you’re response based on the assumption that I have been authentic in what I have shared with you, which I believe I have. It just feels really good to know that someone like you even exists in this world. Someone who will cares and sees me compassionately always.

    It feels like I have someone on my side, who wants to see me doing better. However despite all of this it’s never enough. I feel like I don’t want to believe you I’m not sure why anymore, I argue with people who try to help me that I deserve the misery I feel.

    One of my classmates/coworkers came to my office just to talk last week. She expressed how difficult school has been, she had a class with me last fall when my life was most chaotic. She said I was quiet and rarely talked even though we sat right next to eachother. I told her I was severely depressed at that time. She stated how she too was depressed since being in school and how no one talks about it. I shared with her my most recent mishap with this girl who had a boyfriend. She tried to empathize with me but I wouldn’t let her I told her it was my fault for picking women I think I can help.

    I realize how hard I make it for people to help me. I blame myself for every misfortune that happens to me. Yet if someone else told me the same story I wouldn’t put the blame on them. It all seems to come back to empathy for myself, I don’t have it and It keeps me from letting others help/love me.

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #216529
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    Thanks again for paying me attention. While my upbringing was an issue I seriously am not waiting on my parents, I don’t even consider calling them for help. That’s why I’m talking to you and not them. I know I’m not getting shit from them, I’m happy to keep talking about them but I know my thirst for love won’t be fulfilled by them. I have no hope they will ever be able to help me. They can’t help themselves. I hope this is clear.

    However I still need help with this empathy for myself I guess, as it seems I’m the only person who wants to love me, but still don’t know how. I’m also beginning to sense you might be tired of responding to me because I’m essentially just complaining at this point that I’m not loved.

    With all that being said I still need help, i couldn’t sleep last night, like many night because I still long for someone to be emotionally and physically close to. I started freaking out so I went outside and sat in my car for a while and smoked. I missed my class this morning because I was too tired for one, but also too embarrassed to show up without my presentation completed. I have so many responsibilities right now and I’m very overwhelmed but I can’t slow down I have less than a year to graduate.

    It’s hard for me to empathize with myself right now for not completing my work. I wasted my off day yesterday I went to a coffee shop to do work but I continue to be distracted by other people and fantasize about how it my feel to be loved as they appear to be. This happens pretty much any time I’m in public and I get so overwhelmed with emotion I have to leave every time before I have another break down. I’m very afraid right now my feelings are going to keep me from finishing my degree. I’m not sure how I can empathize with myself for mot doing my work.

    I feel so worthless, and in a way i feel like i keep posting here hoping you might validate my worth as a person by telling me good things about myself but I know thats my job. I just can’t do it myself.

     

     

     

     

     

     

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #216445
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    Thank you for your response. I guess i’m just tired of talking about my childhood because it makes me feel guilty to criticize my parents in the slightest because i know they came from nothing and tried the best they could. however i am also aware of how my mom unconsciously guilts me anytime i point out that our household was dysfunctional by playing a victim and pulling on my heart strings to get me to take care of her. The denial is strong with my mother and father. They taught me to sugar coat and tell half truth, and i believe you caught this in “the pretty way you tie it together”. What i really need is for her (and my father) to validate my feelings and be concerned with me, i’m not sure she understands how her being constantly depressed and down on her self affects me or my sister.

    As much as i resist admitting it i know the loneliness is reliving my childhood experience. However loneliness is my current living experience as well. Although the past couple of weeks i have been more outgoing and open, i still feel very much alone never knowing when my next meaningful human interaction might be. I need intimacy, and im not talking about physical romantic intimacy while that would be nice its also highly improbable. I find myself feeling the need to talk about work with someone because at times it is very disturbing to hear peoples stories and have to be with them in their pain. I feel i need just a short daily interaction of venting at the least to be able to continue to do this job otherwise i know i WILL burn out. Right now i have no outlet for real human connection or i find if i talk about anything even remotely intimate with friends they will shut down. I see this as a real issue for me, i have more socializing options now than ever however im still feeling profoundly lonely and unsupported with the exception of my sister.

    Im at a point where i cant imagine anyone would ever really want to be close to me for any reason other than to use me. This makes me very depressed to even look at women especially. However there is some conceited part of me that i don’t like to admit that feels like someone would be fortunate to have me close to them because i think i would make a good friend/partner. I’m very uncomfortable with feeling as if i’m worthy of someones admiration.

    My feelings of self worth are very much contradictory. I really need hope right now that it is possible to live a peaceful life with very little intimate connection.

     

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #216001
    noname
    Participant

    Like i said earlier in this thread i still talk with my mom and really have nothing but empathy towards her anymore. I don’t go to her or my father for emotional support nor do i expect it. When i do see my mom a couple times a month its usually all about her problems, because she is going through alot right now. She does love me and tries to care for me emotionally, however she or my father dont really know how to truly care for their own emotions, so i don’t really get much out of her attempts except gratitude that she’s willing to try.

    Essentially my relationship with my mother and father have always been lacking. I was a little angry about not always being cared for by my parents, but at this point its in the past, and im just trying to move on and i expect nothing from either of them at all. I’m on my own as I’ve always been.

    I really don’t know if laboring over my damaged parental relationships is helping me anymore. I mean yes i’m aware my childhood was traumatizing and lacking in many areas, yes i’m aware how this has shaped my personality and continues to be pervasive. however im trying to be a man now and take responsibility for my own healing.

    I suppose what im really looking for is what to do about these god awful aches and pains of lonliness. I doubt i will ever be in another romantic relationship the way things are going, so if you have any wisdom on dealing with the undeniable loneliness of life that would be helpful

Viewing 15 posts - 211 through 225 (of 267 total)