July 21, 2018 at 7:24 am #217991AnonymousGuest
I have been referring to your mother in that mental unit because it is the parent who is the primary recipient of the child’s empathy who is in that mental unit, as I understand it and refer to it. Hasn’t she been the primary recipient of your empathy when you were a child?
“what difference would it make if I think I’m a good person yet still isolated and alone?” – for one thing, if you believe that you are a good person, you will not believe any longer that you are likely to harm another, so that fear will be gone, you will not need to protect another from your assumed badness. Another thing, believing you are a good person will resolve your anger. The difference is that you will isolate yourself from people who are bad for you, and make yourself available to someone who will be good for you.
anitaJuly 21, 2018 at 7:45 am #217997
Thanks and I understand the focus on the relationship with my mother, because as you wrote that relationship has been the one that created my shame, my father only added fuel to the fire, but I never felt guilty or responsible over his well being like I did with my mom.
You may have already addressed this, and I apologize if I’m being redundant but I’m just not understanding how to go about believing myself to be a good person, besides not contacting my mom as you advised. I was reluctant at first to cut contact with my mom because I feel sorry for her, but I see that is exactly the problem. If I don’t call my mom, or am not open with her she starts to blame herself which then makes me feel more guilty and sorry for her, taking my empathy. I think I am getting somewhat better at empathizing with myself. I am motivated by love, and hopefully having self empathy will help me get moving again, but I don’t know if I can reach that place alone, without help, I’m burntout on picking myself up off the ground, as horrible as it sounds sometimes I just want to be rescued.July 21, 2018 at 7:48 am #218001
And thanks again for being there for me your help is really a source of nourishment for me, that at least helps me try again tommorow. Seriously thank youJuly 21, 2018 at 7:55 am #218005AnonymousGuest
From your own account, your present relationship with your mother is encouraging and maintaining the I-am-a-bad-person core belief as strong as it is. How can you possibly change this core belief when it continues to be encouraged by your current interactions with her.
As it is, you are living in a situation that makes mental health impossible: if you cut contact with her, you will feel that you are a very bad person. If you keep contact with her, you feel that you are a bad person. No win for you.
But if you are able to put yourself first, to put the noname part of the mental unit as more important to you then the she-part of the mental unit, when you side with you, then you have something that will make it possible for you to separate from her while no longer in contact.
It is about taking your side, forming loyalty to yourself and so, turning your back to her.
anitaJuly 21, 2018 at 7:56 am #218007AnonymousGuest
* Just read your most recent post: you are very welcome!
anitaJuly 21, 2018 at 9:38 am #218019
As i write this my parents just left my house (which is an hour away) after coming over unannounced. I let both of them know i was upset about them showing up to my house. They came because they said they wanted to talk about our family history, and that i wouldn’t have agreed to talk if they told me they were coming, for which they are correct. My mom immediately starts talking about how she’s sorry and so forth, and i stopped her as she started crying and explained to her why exactly i havent been contacting her, because of what was happening right in that moment, where she feels guilty and starts crying then i feel guilty/bad. My dad would make excuses saying “we did the best we could” for which i responded “no you didn’t, you could’ve done much better” I was very blunt this morning with my parents, and told both of them i need nothing from them anymore, i told them i accept their apology but it is not going to make me believe im a good person or cure the depression, i told them what will help is me undoing the damage and healing myself, i advised both of them to do the same. I asked what the purpose of thier visit actually was what were they trying to accomplish, for which they responded forgiveness. I told them thats not why they came. because they know i have already forgiven years ago, i told them they were here for themselves to feel better about their own fuck ups.
I didn’t realize how good my parents are at making excuses for themselves, i told them to stop trying to rationalize their past poor decision making because it’s irrelevant and not news to me. I told them i understand the both of them better than they understand themselves and if they want to be good parents to me to leave me alone in my healing, and they should probably do the same for themselves. In alot of ways i was still parenting my parents but i did it so they can see i dont need them to try to undo the past as it has happened, and for them to understand the best thing they can do for me is to heal for themselves. I let them know i was grateful that they were concerned, and grateful for having my basic needs met as a child, but that doesen’t mean i have to be happy about growing up in an abusive household, which is essentially what they are trying to do with their apology, somehow make me happy about living an emotionally neglected childhood.
July 21, 2018 at 10:01 am #218025AnonymousGuest
- This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by noname.
It is you who did your best with them and for them, not the other way around.
“if they want to be good parents to me to leave me alone in my healing”- excellent. I do believe you need to be away from them, that is, having no contact whatsoever with them for the purpose of your healing. By stating to them this very thing, you have laid the foundation for what I believe you need to do, and that is no contact for as long as you need to heal.
I need to get away from the computer for a couple of hours. Feel free to post anytime.
anitaJuly 22, 2018 at 4:08 am #218059AnonymousGuest
Few adult children cut contact with their parents, especially with their mothers. When I suggest doing that, I don’t expect to read back from the member (the adult child) because of the great distress involved in this suggestion. I suggest it still where I see that there is no other way to start and persist in one’s healing. I will make it even more unlikely that you reply to me as I add this: if you cut contact with your mother for the purpose of healing, once you made great progress healing, you will not be able to have contact with her without regressing back into sickness. A healthy person is not motivated to re-enter a sick relationship.
In my experience, I thought my mother will be unbearably miserable without me in her life and felt intense and excruciating guilt at the thought of ending all contact with her. What I became aware after ending contact, is that she was miserable all through the decades of me being very much in contact with her. She was miserable with me in her life. I think she is as miserable now, no difference. And I realized as I felt guilty for not having contact with her, that I felt guilty all along while in contact with her, no difference.
The only difference was that ending contact made the beginning of my healing possible. It is possible for you too.
anitaJuly 22, 2018 at 6:22 am #218095
I’m not in a financial position to cut contact with either one of my parents at the current moment. To complicate things more my mom lives with my sister who Is like a best friend to me. However I do understand your suggestion to cut all contact, as the thought of it makes me feel guilty in itself. Cutting contact with my mom would mean cutting off the majority of all my family, which I just can’t do because their one of the protective factors keeping me from suicide. I don’t want you to think I don’t understand why you suggested this, and I would encourage someone else in my position to do the same if it were possible.
After yesterday though I’m still struggling with even wanting to keep trying with any of this. I just don’t see the point anymore. I’m seriously beginning to think I’m too far gone to heal, and I don’t care enough about myself to try anymore. My suicidal thoughts are getting bad again, to the point where if I’m alone at all Its all I can think of. I get tired of trying so hard all the time just to end up alone and the end of the day. I’m very grateful for your help but it seems like youve done your best to help me and I just don’t want to help myself because I’m not doing what you’re asking. I hate myself so much it’s hopelessJuly 22, 2018 at 7:03 am #218103AnonymousGuest
It doesn’t frustrate me that you are not able or willing to cut contact with your mother. My interest and motivation is your healing, your well being. Clearly, it is not the right thing for you to end contact with her at this point, so it is fine with me that you don’t. If I pressured you to do what is wrong for you to do now, that would be harming you.
In all my communication with you, I am glad to say, I experienced you as honest with me and that is refreshing and wonderful for me, it makes me smile at this very moment. And so, I am motivated to keep communicating with you for as long as you want.
I am certain that you are not “too far gone to heal”. This belief that you are, is limiting, of course. But reality is that you are not too far gone. I know so because I know my torture, no less than yours, I believe. I thought I was too far gone, but to my surprise, I was not and am not. Definitely a surprise, I didn’t think it was possible for a person, me, that is, to feel so much pain for so long and yet, see and experience a different way of living.
Post anytime, today, anytime.
anitaJuly 22, 2018 at 8:25 am #218113
Thank you for having hope for me, sometimes i think i get tired of trying so hard for what seems like no reason. Maybe if i had a reason to live besides not making other people sad that im dead i’d be more motivated to try. Lately i’ve been trying to help people as much as possible to keep myself off my mind, and so i dont feel worthless. I tend to offer to help people at every single chance i get so i wont be alone, obviously this is carried over from my relationship with my mom. Unfortunately its not really working for me. I still feel worthless and sad and like whatever i do isn’t good enough. Im getting more frustrated as i type this because this is not new information to me or you. I feel like their is something im looking for in life that keeps evading me, and ill never get it.
I was helping a friend who recently married do some TLC on his home last night, and again out of everyone their im the only single person and it feels horrible. When people ask me why arent you dating? it really takes me feel worthless as if its my choice to be this isolated. Im very jealous of my friends, classmates, and coworkers who seem to have no problem finding dates, or partners. And here i am lucky to sleep with one woman a few times per year if that. I feel like shit and i feel like there is some big secret about life i just dont know. Im getting angry with myself as i type this wishing i was better at life. And im scared now because im running on fumes, you and my therapist are the only thing giving me any kind of reason to drag through my days.
July 22, 2018 at 9:07 am #218119AnonymousGuest
- This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by noname.
The reason your great efforts, trying so hard as you do, do not bring you the results that you need, is that you are trying hard where it is impossible to succeed. It is similar to a person trying really hard to get to the other side of a mountain by circling a lake nearby. As hard as the person tries, and as long as he does, he will not get to the other side of the mountain;it takes climbing the mountain (or walking around the mountain) to get to the other side.
Helping other people is not working for you because it is what you did your whole life, within your family of origin. It didn’t work for you then, still doesn’t. And extending the helping to everyone else is not working and cannot work for you.
It is the hope that it will work that keeps you going, but it keeps going on miserably. Helping others as you have done is like circling the lake, the hope cannot be actualized.
Climbing the mountain, or walking around it to the other side is about helping yourself. It is about taking your own side in life, choosing you. Figuring that your well being is your primary responsibility and your job and that you deserve help no less than any other person in the whole wide world.
It is time that someone will attend to that neglected boy. He needs you and you need him. Don’t keep neglecting him as you focus on others. Attend to him, earn his trust and he will cooperate you wonderfully: you will feel good. You will have peace and love, if you put your efforts where it is possible to succeed.
anitaJuly 22, 2018 at 3:55 pm #218151
I thought my focus to help others and bring good friends into my life was my way of attending the neglected boy who litterally wasn’t allowed to have friends outside of school. I grew up mostly isolated and ever since I broke up with my first gf a few years ago I have been focused on making and keeping good friends, hopefully so I won’t feel as lonely. Although I’m still lonely. This is becoming more and more frustrating. I don’t see how I’m supposed to be happy in isolation. I already tried intentionally not dating for a year and focusing on myself, I’ve tried being a loner, I’ve tried being socially active, I’ve tried everything including being selfish and focusing exclusively on myself. It always seems like I can’t do enough for me to be well. I’m so stuck right now and it’s becoming so painful to leave my house everyday. I’m getting worried i dont know what I might do.
I just don’t think I can feel well all alone without friends or a girlfriend. I have no real sense of belonging or safety right now. I’m getting worn out trying to help myself, I’m trying to be kind and attend to my inner child but don’t know how. I’m really hopeless right now I wish I could just be held sometimes so I can know I’m lovable that usually makes me feel better at least temporarily. I need to figure out a purpose quick so I can continue to try, honestly I don’t see the point right now.July 23, 2018 at 7:00 am #218233AnonymousGuest
You wrote that you thought that you were taking care of your inner child, of yourself when you helped others, making friend that way. Well, you thought wrong. It didn’t work for you. Whatever you did try didn’t work for you, the inner child wasn’t impressed with your efforts, not satisfied.
Not because he is unreasonable but because you are not doing the right thing by him.
Got to understand him, to communicate with him. He wants to be held, you know that. He is lonely and in pain. You know that. But you need to know more. If you understood him, you would have your answers.
When you wrote, “I don’t see the point right now”, what do you mean specifically by it?
anitaJuly 23, 2018 at 12:43 pm #218351
Thank you for your insight Anita i can agree that im out of touch with what i (inner child) need. Evidently i don’t understand him. Today has been awful, I was in supervision for my internship and got frustrated with my supervisor because he never answers my questions and just asks me more questions instead of being direct with what he wants. Normally i would just brush it off but today i snapped for some reason and cursed at him after i asked to end our session a couple minutes early because i could feel myself getting agitated. He does it on purpose i communicated my frustration with the process but he thinks by pushing me and trying to therapize me its somehow gonna make me a better therapist, even though he is a student himself. While it was okay for me to be frustrated, i expressed my anger by telling him exactly how i felt about his style of supervision and using a few f-words in the process, which lead to a meeting with my site director which she basically said they could suspend me from the program. I think i can sweet talk my way out of getting suspended but it means i have to get another intership, and i have to quit smoking for drug test, and i need to take care of myself better to prevent this from happening again. Im so lost right now, and when i say i dont see the point, i dont see the point in trying anymore, sometimes people think im brave because i take risks, but really im just careless. After the first curse word came out of my mouth today i thought might as well just roll with it your already in deep shit now. A prime example of how i just dont care right now. I think i dont care because i feel no one cares about me, and i dont care about myself. Sometimes i want to know just how low i can sink in my life for some reason. I dont understand it, i dont understand myself, but if i cant feel the love soon im afraid of what could happen