Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies, I appreciate it.

@anita

While the insight for the past me is probably accurate, I have to say that in this case, I did nothing to warrant this reaction. Several times he’d had a depressive spell I remained myself, listening to him and giving what support I could in the form of a listening ear and hugs if he needed them, and the occasional word of advice when he wanted it. His problems did not affect me. He did not “notice how distressed” I got when he shared his issues, because I did not get distressed. I no longer take issue with the problems of others. I empathize with them and realize I cannot fix them, and don’t want to change them. It is up to them to want to change. Therefore, I no longer get stressed with that sort of thing.

The only relevance I could think of is if he believed my sad spell was because of him- which it had nothing to do with him at all, and everything to do with starting college and trying to figure out how I would manage homework and being involved on campus. This break up came out of nowhere, and he didn’t explain himself at all. After sharing this with my friends, many of them became more irritated than I was, saying they couldn’t believe he would do such a thing. Especially after his comments of ‘wanting a long term relationship’ and ‘being willing to talk things through.’ When his words counted, he did neither of these things. This makes everything he’s ever said to me feel empty, as though he never cared- though of course, this is the hurt talking. Maybe he did care at the time.

The consensus is that his depression and anxiety led him to suddenly- within days- decide he would just cause me problems or that it was too much for him to handle right now, despite previous conversations we’ve had. Despite everything he’d said. Despite making me believe everything was fine, and if something wasn’t fine, we would talk it out. Instead I received a sudden punch in the gut with hardly any explanation before he just walked away, end of story. Everything we had the past few months feels like a lie to me. It was as if he was suddenly an entirely different person with whom I had no history, the opposite side of a coin- as if I just woke up from a dream and in its place was nothing.

There was no emotional withdrawal, nor was there thinking of his undesirability as a boyfriend. For him, I was more than ready to work through rough patches with his depression, because I honestly saw a good heart in him despite it all. I was willing to stay and choose him time and time again. He’d made comments about me being too good for him, and about not deserving this. Maybe this contributed, I don’t know- but I do know he doesn’t hold himself to a high regard at all.

In the end, I’m too used to wanting to blame myself for everything. This time, I know there is nothing I could have done differently. This is his making, and now he will have to live with his decision- I just hope for him it was the right one, and that in the future he chooses his words more carefully if he’s just going to run away at the first sign of trouble, like he himself stated he does with his past: run from it.

@Inky

Thank you very much for the support. Too often I only hear the words ‘move on’ and no acknowledgement of how it makes me feel currently. I try not to be angry, but this was an offense that I couldn’t just keep calm over when I finally got home and was able to go over what happened. Rather than cry I’ve taken to writing all my feelings out and singing music that fits my mood.

And you’re right, the worst thing that could happen is if he suddenly comes back with apologies. In which case I will have to explain that he has practically shattered my trust with the approach he took, and that unless he shows me he’s working to change himself, there’s no way I’d go back to him after this. Normally I’m one to believe in second chances. Not this time. And I’m the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve.

I feel similarly about what you said with the Universe. For some reason the Universe likes to send me confirmation through animal sightings sometimes (I believe in signs), and usually deer. Last night there were several of them in the backyard suddenly, which isn’t exactly a common occurrence- enough for me to believe it was the Universe saying this was meant to happen and it was okay. I believe that perhaps the Universe set us up hoping he would choose to try, but when he decided not to, it no longer had potential to work. That, or this was all just an attempt to show me that I can withstand pain like this and choose myself over something so toxic. Either way it’s a learning experience.

And even though I feel as though my chances of finding a compatible partner are slim, at least this has shown me I feel I can get very close. Someone preferably with a positive mood and who is as determined to work through things as I am.