“At the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.” – T. S. Eliot quotes .

I was hoping that just maybe you would be able to avoid the exploration of the past and realize that you are already home.  (isn’t that what ended up happening after your break? You discovered that together you were home? … Yet something remains undone…)

On the face of it, it ought to be as easy as saying yes to the past as it was and move forward into the present. Instead letting go becomes  a difficult process to work though… we work for that which no work is required.

I very much relate to what your saying DP. When we become fixated on a thought or memory/past it can become a habit that we can’t look away from and so demands healing in the present.

We are broken and a function of relationships is to heal ourselves. In your situation because you can’t yet take your eyes off the “wall” (that you are afraid of crashing into) there is something that you have yet to learn so you may need to understand how the past is in the present and what to do about it.  Really do recommend the book ‘When the past is in the Present’

Other questions you may want to consider. Why can’t you take your eyes off the “wall”?  Are you afraid of being happy? Do you have a tendency to work against the things you want? Is their a past hurt your trying to heal… are you trying to push your partner away while at the same time hoping that they won’t go… recreating a past hurt in the hopes of healing it now?