Hello “Mina” (& hello Anita too),

Hope you dont mind me dropping by again to say some things 🙂 and of cos, like previously, please feel free to ignore what I have to say here if it is not helpful to you and continue with Anita!

I know your question was addressed to Anita about whether it is normal and nothing wrong to miss your ex but I would like to say it is perfectly normal and I think it is perfectly okay to miss him from time to time. I remember this quote, “If you miss someone, that means you are lucky. It means you had someone special in your life, someone worth missing”. Your ex was someone special to you and he has left alot of memories and impact on you. I think it is beautiful to have those memories to look  back upon, something that is shared just between the two of you 🙂

So long as you are not too caught up in the nostalgia that you get stuck, I dont see why not 🙂

Before your this post, I wanted to come and add something about you being happy again. I believe you can be happy again like you were 15/16. I see that there are two parts of you being torn here – one part of you buys into what your parents tell you about happiness (having to be successful, marrying well, etc) while one part of you feels that maybe a different life from what your parents have prescribed exists (cos you are feeling the effects of following that path of success which is highly stressful and you are valued based on your achievements, not for you yourself).  And your pain comes from trying to reconcile these two parts of yourself.

While what your parents say to you seem to make sense and you want to follow them but on the other hand, deep down inside you also yearn for something different (which I guess would lead you to wanting to make your own choice to leave your university and go to Singapore). Going to Singapore is appealing because that is what you want and not what your parents want.

When you were 15/16, you were happy in class because you were doing what you want.

When you were with your ex, you were happy because he accepted you for who you are.

I know it is quite difficult to tune out your parents’ wishes and what they have inculcated in you since young, but imagine if you had a nurturing mother inside of you, who wants to listen to you and who wants to know what you want and who you are. Deep down, you know what you truly want. And this nurturing mother wants to know.

What would you say to her it is that you want and desire for?

I think happiness comes to you when you follow your heart. And I guess at 19, it is when you start to individuate and since you are away from your parents now, it is also when you start to question what they have told you and you start to want to follow your own path. So listen to yourself and slowly find your own path.

And maybe imagining a nurturing mother (who is on your side and has no strong opinions on how your path should look) would help to counter the critical voice of your mother (nothing wrong with her, she wants the best for you in the sense that she thinks success = happiness. that is her worldview but you are you and what you want can different from what she wants). I gather each time you think about wanting a different path, there is the voice from your mother that says no and justifies why that path isnt good.

so try to be compassionate towards yourself:

Your needs are important.

Your wants are important.

You are a wonderful being with or without your achievements.

End of the day, maybe you will come to the conclusion that what your mother wants is what you want. but at least you know it is your choice and you are living your life the way you want it to be.

Hope you will find compassion for yourself and listen to your inner voice my dear!

With care,

not_so_lost_star