Anita

Thanks again for your reply I when you said that the pain will eventually stop, that really resonated with me as it is something I try to be mindful of while i’m feeling both pleasant or unpleasant emotions, just to let me know how temporary everything is in this life. That was very helpful and I’ve been trying to apply that same thinking to my circumstances in life right now. What i’m hoping for is that once grad school is over I can get some relief in the form of financial security, being social again, and just pursing my interests.

On the other hand i question whether i will actually ever get any reasonably long term relief from depression. In alot of ways i feel broken, I have a strong desire to be with people, but when i’m in social situations i will withdraw pretty hard or just straight up leave to go be by myself, (i’ve done this a few times in class this semester).  An old friend sent me a picture of myself and a couple other friends at birthday  party when i was 17, i looked completely miserable, anyone i’ve shown this picture to could tell something was obviously wrong. Shortly after that photo was taken i made a suicide attempt, started self harming and getting into drugs. I kind of need to know it’s possible to be content for more than a few days at a time for someone who has struggled. I need to know this to give myself hope and if im going to be doing therapy to help others have hope.  Of course i could go on surviving but i really want to believe that life can actually be enjoyable.

Finzy

Thanks for sharing with me and your support. Honestly what keeps me going is knowing how much pain it would cause my mom and sister specifically if i was to kill myself. Also, I want to be there for my younger cousins who my mom had been taking care of for the past few years in case they ever need me. Having been brought to my knees by life recently has forced me to ask for help and my family has been doing alot to support me, and my mom while were trying to stay on our feet. I know one day those kids will need someone like i did, and if anyone else in my family ever needs someone i want to be there.

Outside of living for others, nothing is really exciting me right now. I’m cutting my bike racing season short this year because i need to take care of schoolwork and get to fixing my transportation. Racing has become much less enjoyable for me now than in the past couple of years. Though riding my bike is one of the best moves i ever made for my mental health. lately i haven’t had transportation to get out to the woods to mountain bike, or had the time to get out and ride with friends, so i’ve just been riding for work and that’s it. Cycling gives me freedom and definitely has helped my confidence in learning that anything i practice at i can improve in, i’ve tried to apply this to my mental and social issues but it doesn’t necessarily translate as well. While most people are like “thats cool you ride a bike im sure it keeps you healthy” i’ve definitely had times where i’ve been too focused on training and was using it as an escape or drug. I would do things like skip a group ride, or opportunities to socialize, only to spend hours alone on the road running from myself.