Hi Monica,

Thanks for allowing me to call you by your name too!:) and also thanks for explaining yourself! You have explained your needs,  wants,  frustrations very detailedly and I appreciate that! I think it is good to also express yourself when you are not at your calmest as that is also the most raw way of expressing yourself with no self censorship. So feel free to reply when you are distressed or calm!

I agree with your parents that it is okay to feel lost and I thought you have a very good headstart as you are 19 (20 soon!!) and you are already embarking on this journey of self discovery! I only started at 24 and I can relate to when you said you lived in a bubble until you entered uni. I was in my bubble until I was 24 and life dealt me a huge blow when my mother passed away. That was when my bubble burst and I was forced to face reality and grow up and begin the journey of self discovery.

It is a painful journey to be forced out of the bubble and for you,  it is worse when you are away from your loved ones. I can imagine how sucky it feels to not have your parents and your loved ones with you. The loneliness must be immense. And that is no wonder why you have moments that you lash out at people. The journey is not easy and like you,  I had moments that I wished I could go back to simpler days.

I am glad you have hopes and believe too that you can be happy again! I think it will happen when you slowly find yourself and know what happiness means to you. I think at 19,  it is hard to know what happiness is and it is an ongoing journey too. I am 30 now, I cannot say for sure I know what happiness is but definitely more sure than when I was 20.

I liked how you say “I want to be happy and content with my life. Happiness is not bought with money, or defined by grades, or university, happiness is something from within. It does no matter whether it is in Korea or Singapore, I would go wherever there is happiness. Anyplace that can give me happiness and a peace of mind.” And it is true that even if you had gone to Singapore,  there is no guarantee that you would be happier. And it is beautiful how you said happiness is something from within. I believe so too. It does not have to be attached to any material needs or achievements.

I feel happy when I am thankful each day. I am thankful for being given another day on this earth,  I am thankful to have loving people around me,  I am thankful to have a job I love,  I am thankful to see beautiful sunsets etc. Every little thing counts to me. And these are little happiness that adds up.

And connections with people makes you happy Monica – speaking with your parents,  taking a trip home,  spending 4 precious days with your friends. And that is what you want. You want to be surrounded by people you love and this is not dependent on their achievments or your achievements. They love you for you and you love them for them.

I see being in your prestigious university as a key that can open many doors for you in future. It is beneficial when you are more sure of what you want to do in the future (when you know what work brings you happiness; your own definition,  not your parents’). And if you can hang on in your university,  then it will help to open more doors in the future. It is part of your journey but not your whole journey.

But seeing how stressful it can be,  I am not sure if you have the extra capacity for self discovery too. But take one step at a time,  just listen more to yourself each day,  watch out for what non-material things make you feel alive (it may help to make a list!). Soon,  you may slowly find yourself detaching from the notion of happiness being attached to certain outcomes (value laden outcomes).

Sad to hear your dad cant be there when you go back! Hope you would have a fantastic time nonetheless!

Take your time through this journey,  when you emerge on the other side,  I think you may find it worthwhile! I guess when you are more sure of yourself and what happiness is,  there may come a day whereby you are not so bothered by people’s angry stares or cutting people out from your life when they dont fulfil your needs or make you feel comfortable. That is when you are comfortable with yourself and you put your needs first.

Aja aja hwaiting! (This is what people say in Korea right?)

With care,

Not so lost star 😉