Dear Monica:

Maybe he is still … god for you, better than anyone, superior to all, all powerful-all-loving, all-knowing, your one and only salvation.

It is hard to let go of a god.

It is hard to let go of the hope for a salvation by god. If only you worship him long enough…

This salvation fantasy is feeding itself. Did I just type fantasy? Yes, I did.

You will be flying back home in a few days, correct? That will likely be a relief for you, a high of sorts, and then you will be back at KU, the distress and the salvation fantasy.

Holding on to the memory of his words to you, of his expressions of his understanding and acceptance of you, of his approval of you is a good thing, and I hope it is that “important lesson” you mentioned in your recent post.

There is no substitute, long term, for you enduring your distress in KU, if you are to remain there. Enduring it without the temper tantrums and without the fantasy.

anita