Anita and Peter, thank you both for your replies! I appreciate that they are both so sincere as I tend to feel like my posts are petty.

Anita-

Growing up, my brother was violent and 5 years older. By the time I essentially started living with my friend at 12 (as my parents didn’t object due to my brothers behavior) he had escalated to regular destruction of their home and choking, typically because he was high. In retrospect I can see that they did the best they could and loved us indescriminantly, but at the time I felt disposable and as though he was more important. After my friend seemed to abandon me I did not form close relationships again, but preferred disposable ones. As a child I never expressed to my parents that I felt unhappy, not until I began doing it by acting out by about 15, which is when my brother went to jail.

The whole family dynamic has changed tremendously, starting when my brother stopped using about 5 or 6 years ago (without a 12 step program and as the result of a divorce). It has continued to improve and I’ve begun to recall some really happy times and as such feel guilty that I’m tracing my adulthood shortcomings to their parenting. One of my loudest defects now is my tendency to bounce back to an ex only to withdraw, typically with a feeling of disgust. Someone told me about emotional anorexia and after looking it up (much like a horoscope, it’s so broad and roomy I’m sure most people could more or less fit the bill) I feel less unique and have a little better understanding. I selfishly use a man when I feel empty to effect a change in how I feel, then withdraw. I can make it a month or two, but then that deep emptiness returns and I begin the cycle again. I cause a lot of damage to myself and others doing this. How does not feeling safe as a child translate into using men to escape the emptiness; how do I let that behavior go?

Peter-

I had to look up cognitive dissonance; not surprising…I have always called myself a dichotomy and this seems to be a similar concept! The example I read was of the fox and the grapes. Because he could not reach the grapes he dismissed them as being sour. Yet, subconsciously he did want them. So he now has two opposing beliefs about the same bunch of grapes.Would you mind elaborating with an example so I can better understand? I’d like to better see the areas in which I might be doing this so I can challenge the behavior that stems from that feeling!