Dear Junsheng:

“getting upset”, feeling anything is never wrong. Feelings are never wrong. Only behavior can be wrong.

Feelings happen to us without our choosing, therefore they are not right or wrong.

No choice= no right/wrong.

Some people are impulsive and react automatically, or almost automatically. They feel something and immediately act, without thinking, considering, evaluating. They react automatically to what they feel.

Considering the specific of a child and parent- a child is born with the biological need to be physically taken care of by the parent, dependent on the parent for survival. This means that a child is born with the motivation to please the parent, to be liked and loved by the parent. To hurt a parent would risk the child’s chances of physical survival.

When a parent is aggressive toward the child, unloving, the child is greatly threatened, because of his dependence on the aggressive, unloving person. What happens next is that the child makes believe the parent is safe and loving and is only reacting to the child’s faultiness, defectiveness, badness and so forth. And so, if the child becomes good, then the parent will be a safe, loving parent.

So the child tries and tries, but occasionally the aggression against the child repeats. The child keeps trying, holding on to any and every seemingly loving act by the parent as proof of that love the child needs so desperately, be it food, as it often is. A smile here and there, a word.

In the context of a child and parent (except, maybe, for detectable brain abnormalities a child may be born with), the parent is always the actor and the child is the reactor. Aggression is always initiated by the parent, acted by the parent and it is always a wrong doing.

anita