Home→Forums→Relationships→Should I be trying to win her back?
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XenopusTex.
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November 6, 2017 at 6:27 am #176641
AnonymousInactiveIt’s been three weeks since we broke up. We were together for 22 months. It’s not a long time, but during that time I really felt like she was the one. Unbeknownst to me, she was hurting so much. She told me that slowly, she stopped feeling the love from me. Although that is not true on my part, she felt it. Two days ago, she finally told me why. She never told me before, citing the reasons that “everybody else can see it”. I couldn’t. I loved her, and I tried for her. Dealing with the crazy amount of work from school, I still managed to find time to spend with her, every weekend, without fail. When I told her how little I had to sleep in order to be able to meet her, she took it like I wasn’t willing to. That’s not my point in telling her, but she took it that way. There were many misunderstandings along the way, and I have to admit, communication was not as good as it should be throughout our relationship. During the last two months, I heard that she was getting close to another guy in the office. I flew into a jealous rage, but managed to calm myself down and speak with her. When she denied all that happened, I decided to deal with it myself. So I told her not to tell me anything about him, lest I found out. I shouldn’t have done that. We should have communicated. It happened two more times. On the last time, I broke up with her as I felt like she did not care about me enough to make an effort to make me feel better. I felt justified at that moment, but realised quickly that it is a communication issue.
The past three weeks, I have been trying to contact her, to work things out. We met, I went over to her place unannounced, she decided to try, but later gave up. She told me she no longer have any patience for me, but that she still loved me. I was impatient, I took many things for granted without trying to work on myself. At the end of it all, I told her to block me on all social media so there is no way for me to contact her – but only do it if she is sure she does not want to be with me. She blocked me the next day. But I can’t let go and am in so much pain. Every waking moment I have this literal pain in my chest, and I feel nauseous all day. She is not responding to me anymore. Yet I feel like if I don’t try, I will regret this for the rest of my life. Many people have told me not to try anymore, because I will only be faced with disappointment. I have tried to meditate on my own, but somehow I am unable to feel better. Can someone let me know if I should still hope for anything? Should I try, or is it objectively better to give up?
November 6, 2017 at 6:49 am #176647AnonymousGuestDear Junsheng:
You asked if you should try to win her back- only if there is a chance of success and if the prize of success is indeed a prize. When you win something you get a prize, a reward. If you won her back, is she indeed a reward, something positive in your life, this is the question.
The pain in your chest, the nausea you feel, naturally you want that to be gone, that will be a reward. Only if she is not a reward, the relief of that pain will be temporary and more pain added to it.
Regarding communication, you wrote: “she stopped feeling the love from me”, this is what she told you. But maybe it is not true, maybe she stopped loving you as she was starting to love, or get close, to the other guy.
You wrote: “She told me she no longer have any patience for me, but that she still loved me”- love is patient. Having no patience for you at all, regularly, and loving you still, I don’t see these two things together as true. Do you?
anita
November 6, 2017 at 8:54 am #176681AnonymousInactiveHi anita,
Thank you for responding. You wrote ‘love is patient’. That really struck me. I have been impatient with her at times, I guess. Does that mean I don’t love her? I have often been impatient with the people I claim to love, like my parents, or my siblings. Does that mean I don’t really love them? I’m not trying to disagree, I just really want to know what you meant. Because it made sense – ‘love is patient’, yet I was not. I kept demanding answers from her – to stay, or to leave. Am I an impatient man? Or do I not know what love is?
November 6, 2017 at 9:18 am #176703AnonymousGuestDear Junsheng:
My definition of patience in the context of a loving relationship is: the ability to experience distress without mistreating the person you love. Probably most people don’t love this way. It takes being emotionally healthy and aware to be able to tolerate, or endure one’s distress without lashing out, without talking angrily at another.
People refer to love as that emotional attachment to another. I refer to loving someone as a quality that is more than that automatic attachment.
Thing is this: if a person you love is causing you distress by mistreating you, you should not tolerate that distress. Any mistreatment in a relationship needs to be stopped, if it is a loving relationship. If, for example, your girlfriend was in the habit of blaming you for everything, if she called you names, if she punished you with silent treatments and so on, then she was not loving and you shouldn’t be patient with those behaviors. If, on the other hand, she had a difficult day at school or at work and seems upset, then you being patient with her means that you let her be unhappy and not say something like this to her: what is wrong with you? Why are you upset?
See the difference?
To summarize: a loving relationship means to not mistreat another and to not be mistreated by the other. If there is no mistreatment, then be patient.
anita
November 6, 2017 at 9:26 am #176707AnonymousInactiveHi anita,
Thank you for the response. You were very clear, but I realised now that the problem is with me, and not her. Almost all the things you stated, I have been guilty of. I did not call her names, physically, or verbally abuse her – but I have often been unable to keep my temper in check whenever I am in distress. She has been extremely tolerant of me, and yet I have not realized the folly of my ways until you made it clear. I have also been guilty of shutting her out (silent treatments).
Sometimes, when I find it difficult to understand things, I tend to look to assign blame. When we were still together, I mostly blame her. When we broke up, I turned the blame inwards towards myself. I know this is not the solution.
I won’t try to win her back, as I have realised what is wrong with me. Now I just want to be a better person, an ’emotionally healthy’ person. How can I do that? I have been in abusive relationships before I met this girl, and while it is definitely not all attributed to these past traumatic relationships, I think part of who I am now has been shaped by them. How do I become a better person?
November 6, 2017 at 9:52 am #176721AnonymousGuestDear Junsheng:
You become a better person, a healthier person by becoming aware of how you think, feel and behave, an awareness that you already started. Basically, you learn how you operate and then re-learn a more effective way to operate, such that will work for your benefit and for the benefit of the one you love.
It is most important to choose a girlfriend who is not abusive, who is also working on awareness and being loving to you.
Such awareness can be gained through interactions with others. Sometimes it may be necessary to interact with a quality psychotherapist. It is not something you can do all by yourself.
anita
November 6, 2017 at 9:59 am #176723AnonymousInactiveThank you Anita. You have been very helpful. Your words give me hope, and I will work on becoming a better version of me.
For now, I think I have caused the person I love enough pain. Even though I still pine for her, I will not bother her anymore. ‘Love is patient’, I will remember this.
November 6, 2017 at 10:10 am #176731AnonymousGuestDear Junsheng:
You are welcome. Post again anytime you would like my input, if you do.
anita
November 13, 2017 at 7:28 am #177917AnonymousInactiveIt’s almost a week since the last post, and almost a month since we broke up. I was doing well, but I broke down again today.
The thing is, I hate feeling like this – but I also like crying about her. It lets me know how important she still is to me. I’m just not sure I can keep this up. I want to feel better, but I want to continue loving her. I’m not sure what I should do.
November 13, 2017 at 7:55 am #177923AnonymousGuestDear Junsheng:
Tell me more about “feeling like this”, tis feeling you hate feeling. Tell me what thoughts accompany this feeling.
How often do you feel this feeling, how early do you remember yourself feeling this way?
anita
November 13, 2017 at 8:05 am #177925AnonymousInactiveThe feeling is one where I think of her, and I know that it will not work out anymore. The reason I know this is because she told me she does not want to work it out, and a relationship requires two to be fully committed. Other people have repeatedly told me that – and I fully agree.
But a part of me is still holding out, and still holding on to the hope that she might want to try again. What I know is logical, it’s cold. What I want, this hope – this is illogical and emotional. I do not want to get tied up in this hope, yet somehow it is making me feel ‘better’. In a way, I like crying over her. I like knowing that a part of me is still holding on to her. I know this is really bad too, because feeling like this is accompanied with other really bad feelings. I have thoughts about quitting my graduate program and ending my life.
I think I’m feeling like this once every week or so. The last time I felt like this was the days immediately following the break up – where I had completely lost the will to live.
November 13, 2017 at 8:13 am #177927AnonymousGuestDear Junsheng:
I am continuing to explore, for a reason.
You wrote earlier that you lose patience with your parents. Will you tell me in what circumstances you lose patience with them; what is it that they do to anger you?
anita
November 13, 2017 at 8:17 am #177929AnonymousInactiveHi anita,
I would say when I lose patience with my parents, I was really being a child. Sometimes I need to take a step back to be mindful that my feelings translate into behavior – and that those behavior might not convey the love I have for them. Circumstances where I used to lose my temper was when I am in a bad mood, and sometimes my mum will ask me questions that I do not know how to explain. Or when I can’t find a particular item, and assumed that my mum is the one who helped me pack them. They are little things that I get annoyed at and show my frustration sometimes. I’m working on being very mindful about those instances as I do not want to hurt them.
November 13, 2017 at 8:37 am #177933AnonymousGuestDear Junsheng:
You wrote that you are “working on being very mindful about those instances as (you) do not want to hurt (your parents)”-
Children are motivated to please their parents, definitely to not hurt them. Reason is biological: children of any animal species where the parent/s do take care of their young, need that caring, so they are eager to follow, to please. Same with you, when you were a child. And you still do.
Unfortunately, parents do not have the same inborn motivation. Question to you: you are working on not hurting them. How did/ do they hurt you?
anita
November 13, 2017 at 8:53 am #177937AnonymousInactiveHi anita,
My parents are absolutely wonderful people. Every single time that I lost my temper at them, I have always understood that I was at fault for not being able to keep my temper in check. It is probably that I was too young to have realized it back then, but now that I take a step back I can see it clearer now. They have provided for and loved me unconditionally. The annoyances that I had with them was only ever an issue with myself that I still have a chance to work on now.
The only one time I had been disappointed with my mum was when she gave up on me like 7 years ago. I had been dating someone else back then. She wanted to ‘explore’, so we mutually agreed to break up. She regretted that decision, but I was sure. A lot happened, but she harassed me for over a month, the worst being threatening suicide outside my house. My mum was disappointed in me and we didn’t speak for a few weeks – with strained relations carrying on for a few more months. I have since understood why she thought I was a ‘playboy’, but it was one of the most traumatic events I ever had in my life. I’m not sure this will constitute something that my mum had done to hurt me, especially since I understood where she was coming from.
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