Hi anita,

I actually started thinking more about what you mentioned earlier about ‘taking the right responsibility’. While it may seem like I am blaming myself excessively now, that wasn’t always the case.

When I think about how I used to be, I realised that it has always been very difficult for me to take the blame. I used to exhibit behavior that was not right (e.g. silent treatment to my ex) but even though I knew it was not right, I seldom apologized or owned up for my mistakes. There was always a reason or a justification for why I was acting out that way that I can tell myself, and thus, I am always able to deflect the behavior and blame someone else.

If I were to think about it, I would say that this belief originated from a previous relationship, where I was always kept on my toes. My previous relationship (let’s call her A) was with another deeply-flawed individual as well. She was constantly insecure about the people I hung out with. As I work in a place with more females than males, A was very insecure about the amount of time I am spending around other girls. She constantly questioned where I was, stopped me from texting other people (even if it was about work), and it was basically a toxic relationship where we stopped each other from being ourselves. While we eventually broke up after 3 years, I went into the next relationship (let’s call her J) with some messed up thoughts about how a relationship is supposed to work.

When I first got together with J, I would constantly ‘report’ my whereabouts to her, even though she didn’t ask for it. This was habitual from my previous relationship with A. Another ‘strategy’ that I had adopted from my relationship with A was to get angry first before she could. That worked as a coping mechanism when I was with A, because I was so worn out by constantly defending myself about the things I do that I felt like I had to do that to preempt her abusive behavior (physical and verbal). I felt like I should have realized that was not normal behavior and fixed it before I got together with J.

I guess I carried the toxic behavior from my relationship with A to my relationship with J. What changed was that now, I didn’t have to exhibit the behavior I had when I was with A – but I guess I did. I didn’t realize it then, but it is clear now. J was good for me, and now that she left, I have to take a long and hard look at myself. For once, there is no one to blame but myself. Maybe the thoughts of inferiority came about because when I turned around and looked introspectively at myself, I realize that J is not an easy target to blame. I love her, and she almost never let me down. Even if I want to blame her, the instances which I got upset with her could boil down to a difference in personality. In the early stages of the breakup, I got angry and I tried to blame her. After awhile, I realised that I couldn’t. If there is nothing wrong with her, then there must be something wrong with me, right?

Now that you mention taking the right responsibility, I am reevaluating the situation again and trying hard to know what I should feel responsible for, and what should I let go.