Dear dawn101:

I know the secretary issue bothers you a lot, and so this issue does matter. For me, reading about it, it is a non-issue objectively speaking. This is why: he  has been emotionally distant the whole time, the whole marriage. Nothing  has changed. His relationship with the secretary is probably as emotionally distant as  is his nature for decades, probably since one  point on in  his childhood.

I think  I have a better  understanding  of what  puzzled  me before, and that  is his reaction: “He got  very  angry that I could think such a thing but then became ballistic that I could think him so ‘unintelligent’ so dumb that he wouldn’t be  able to get away  with it he was”-

He  highly values intelligence and  does consider himself highly intelligent. That is his pride, encouraged by his parents (you wrote: “My partner always got great grades at school without studying and  bot his parents think he’s smart”- they told  him they are proud of him for his good great grades. They told him he  is smart). This is why he want ballistic, he felt  his intelligence  was  questioned, his point  of pride.

He is emotionally distant because he doesn’t value emotions much. He values intelligence.

And so, he is limited in relationships, be  it  with whomever.

anita