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Expecting too much?

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  • November 6, 2017 at 6:27 am #176619
    dawn101
    Participant

    Hi there!

    It would be great if I could have feedback on a situation I’ve found out about.

    As I felt like my husband has been disconnecting with me emotionally, I got his mobile history (I’m not proud of that – and hadn’t done this ever before)

    What I found is that my partner (of 23 years) kept contact with his secretary while she was on a year maternity leave.

    Mainly calling when he got back or was soon leaving on work trips (so averaging 2 or 3 calls per month to several times a day in the days before her restarting).

    We can have patchy mobile reception here, so he either diverts his mobile when at home (when expecting a business call) or he turns it off.  He answered her mobile calls as early as 6.46 am (he would of been outside as our house is so small I would of heard the ring)

    When I casually asked him if he kept contact with her during her year off he replied 1 or 2 times to congratulate her on the baby.

    He changed this to -that he occasionally  phoned her to explain to him, when his new secretary couldn’t work something out (he stopped half way through this as he could see I wasn’t believing him as he’s big on direct 1:1 contact at work to limit confusion).  He can’t remember but it was ‘work stuff’.

    I wouldn’t of minded the calls if he had been upfront about them and when I try to explain how I would of preferred to hear about the calls especially than ones before 7am but he says he doesn’t need to say anything to me about it. I’ve even tried by saying how would you feel if a guy at work who was away for a year, rang me up at 6.46 in the morning wouldn’t he of like to know, especially if I lied to you about how many times we rang?

    It’s making me feel like something is going on between them and so I’ve asked him if he’s having an affair with her – he got very angry that I could think such a thing but then became ballistic that I could think him so ‘unintelligent’ so dumb that he wouldn’t be able to get away with it if he was. He said he’d have secrete email accounts and phone.  When I said that made me feel worse he said he meant by that, that it shows he’s not having an affair because I wouldn’t find out.

    I just feel that partners (we have 2 kids) should be open about things like this especially when calling so early (and him expecting her call) I’m I beginning over controlling or expecting to much?  Or do I just over share and that’s why I would of told him if the situation was reversed?

    thanks

    November 6, 2017 at 7:16 am #176649
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear dawn101:

    Reads like he is concerned about you thinking that he is “so ‘unintelligent’ so dumb” (t0 not be able to successfully hide an affair, if he had one) and not about you thinking that he is disloyal to you.

    What is your understanding of his response: pointing to the problem being his alleged inability to successfully hide an affair and not the alleged affair itself? Is it to divert attention from the real issue or is he generally concerned with being considered unintelligent, or is it something else, I wonder

    anita

    November 6, 2017 at 7:56 am #176667
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi dawn101,

    If I was the secretary on maternity leave I would not appreciate calls at 6:45 in the morning with a baby.

    And I love how he’s not mad about you thinking he’s possibly unfaithful. He’s mad because he thinks you think he couldn’t get away with it!

    I’d call his bluff and say, “Yes, I admit, I do think you’re a bit of a moron when it comes to TRYING to get away with stuff. Like the secretary would have you!” Smirk, shake your head, while giving  him an eye roll, and walk away. Of course, this strategy may make things worse.

    Now he’s in a double bind: if nothing’s going on, your marriage is safe. If something’s going on, he now has to PROVE something’s going on because you don’t believe he could ever snag the secretary. Basically he has to hold the affair under your nose for you to stop laughing at him if he ever dares bring it up. Which is what you’d want because then you’d know and can make an informed decision from there.

    Probably nothing happened because newborns and affairs don’t mix. My advice? Treat him having an affair as a joke. Bait the bear!

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
    November 6, 2017 at 5:58 pm #176775
    dawn101
    Participant

    Anita

    My partner always got great grades at school without studying and both his parents think he’s smart.  Same with me, I think he’s really intelligent and couldn’t say differently even if we were argumentative because it would be untrue – plus luckily we don’t name call or attack each other’s personalities.  It’s not a trigger point or self esteem thing as he’s a very confident person with a great job

    If it was to divert attention ? that’s a scary thought.  I’m hoping he has nothing to hide.  But he did hide a little at least (by being ready for her phone call so early, and by saying he only contacted her 1 or 2 times)

    I made sure I kept my voice calm when I asked him if he was having an affair  It would have been so much better if he’d comforted and reassured me instead it’s created more doubt.

    The only things I know for sure, after talking with him later, is he will continue to keep things from me as he’s told me he doesn’t need to say anything. And the other is I  feel insure now in our relationship, especially as I value truthfulness and openness, but I don’t know if I’m expecting to much ? as I’m always so open with him

    November 6, 2017 at 6:13 pm #176779
    dawn101
    Participant

    Inky,

    I kind of feel it’s worse as she rang him at early.  He wasn’t on a work trip and his mobile is usually always off or on divert to our wall mounted phone because of our patchy reception, so he must of been expecting her call.

    Good suggestion. I could of tried something like that but he was at a level of angry when it’s best just to be very quiet (I had to patch a hole in the plasterboard – he’s never done that before level of angry.  Usually he’s a calm person) plus my brain doesn’t work that quickly ! 🙂

    Thanks

     

    November 7, 2017 at 3:33 am #176797
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear dawn101:

    I don’t think that expecting “truthfulness and openness” in a marriage is expecting too much, not if it was there before, that is, if he is capable of it.

    You wrote in your original post: “As I felt like my husband has been disconnecting with me emotionally”- was he connected with you before and when did the disconnection occur?

    It reads to me that it may be that he formed an emotional attachment to the secretary who is on leave. He liked her being the secretary and he misses her. Being at work is just not the same without her and the new secretary doesn’t substitute the one who is on leave, not the same feeling. I don’t think that it is abnormal or unusual for a married person to form an emotional attachment to a co worker. Possibly he is confused about his attachment, because he is a man, a married man, and she is a woman and a married one. Maybe he felt that he needed to hide this attachment from you because his feelings are wrong, unacceptable.

    What do you think?

    anita

     

    November 7, 2017 at 7:13 am #176815
    Inky
    Participant

    Wait! He punched a hole in the plasterboard? And you had to patch it up? What?

    I think he’s pissed that he got found out about this quasi-emotional affair. (Let’s just call it that)

    How about you call the secretary? Apologize for your DH calling her, send her a holiday gift for their baby from “both” of you and bonus if you get her husband’s phone number and talk to him. Ask her husband over for dinner. It is not unusual for bosses and their wives to entertain secretaries and their spouses. Her hapless husband will say, “Guess what! Mrs. Your Boss invited us over for a holiday get together! Isn’t that great?!” The secretary will quail and murmur something about lack of child care. She will be SO embarrassed and uncomfortable!

    Then you inform your bright but not that bright DH: “I apologized to your secretary for you calling her all the time, I sent them a holiday gift for their baby from both of us, and I talked to Mr. Secretary and invited them over for dinner/holiday party! And if you don’t like it, plaster your own dam drywall!”

    No matter if the dinner happens or not, smile benignly on your perch from The Wife’s Power Position!

    Lather, Rinse, and Repeat as needed.

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
    November 10, 2017 at 3:53 am #177439
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    Apologies, I know everyone is entitled to an opinion, but do you really see yours as helpful? Getting the other husbands number & inviting them to dinner? Are you trying to feed dawn101 to become a paranoid psychopathic wife?

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Poppyxo.
    November 22, 2017 at 12:01 am #179075
    dawn101
    Participant

    Thanks for the replies everyone

    Hi Inky

    Wow I wish I had a percentage of your confidence!   I had to smile at myself imagining getting us all over for dinner together (I’m a socially awkward hermit so would of melted in a gooey puddle before any food even hit the plate).  And another thing that is stopping me phoning for a chat with her husband is – what if it’s all innocent? I’d hate to cause any trouble for her family.

    BUT!! You gave an idea to me!  Since you wrote last I had my mum phone up here a bit after 6.30 in the morning (so only slightly earlier than when this secretary, who was on maternity leave,   and he have phoned each other up) I picked  the phone  and just said ‘oh hi!!’ and didn’t address by name etc.  I didn’t share with my partner like I always do afterwards.  My partner was due to get up around that time anyway and after getting himself some coffee he went outside to read on the deck.  After a little while I took my book out too and casually asked him when he’s due to go overseas with work again.  Left it a little bit than said as casually as I could something along the lines -that since we’re not telling each other about phone calls I think it’s important that we talk about anything else we don’t have to share with each other. The first thing he said he would of put the phone on ‘speaker’ !!! if he got a call at that time!  (partner and I spoke about this again only a few days before I wrote here) So I said no you wouldn’t of, you go outside to take calls at that time and don’t even tell me about it.  At least you knew and you heard my half of the conversation.  Partner now agrees he’ll tell me if he get calls “not to do with work” that early!

    I was so happy at first – I’m a straight up person so I probably was a little high from acting like that ! but now I feel a little bit sad.  Because if feels like such a struggle to get him to consider my side of things and I’m feeling to old to keep up with it sometimes! He knew before I got my mum to call up, I wasn’t going to get calls that early from any guy (or  anytime! but if  I did I would of brought it up for conversation) so he stuck with he wasn’t going to tell me about such calls even in the future.
    When I try to get him to understand how I feel – it’s like he doesn’t care unless it effects him somehow.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by dawn101.
    November 22, 2017 at 12:04 am #179077
    dawn101
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank for writing to me

    Yes I do sometimes think at the least it’s an emotional affair – because he lied about it (said only phoned each other 1-2 times and phoning each other up so early.

    I had written examples of why I thought he was being emotionally distant around that time ( especially 2-3 months previously to me asking if he was having an affair) but I think it’s more right to say he’s always been a bit that way, maybe slightly more so around than, but a few things happened around that time, so it was more of a tipping point.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by dawn101.
    November 22, 2017 at 3:58 am #179093
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear dawn101:

    I know the secretary issue bothers you a lot, and so this issue does matter. For me, reading about it, it is a non-issue objectively speaking. This is why: he  has been emotionally distant the whole time, the whole marriage. Nothing  has changed. His relationship with the secretary is probably as emotionally distant as  is his nature for decades, probably since one  point on in  his childhood.

    I think  I have a better  understanding  of what  puzzled  me before, and that  is his reaction: “He got  very  angry that I could think such a thing but then became ballistic that I could think him so ‘unintelligent’ so dumb that he wouldn’t be  able to get away  with it he was”-

    He  highly values intelligence and  does consider himself highly intelligent. That is his pride, encouraged by his parents (you wrote: “My partner always got great grades at school without studying and  bot his parents think he’s smart”- they told  him they are proud of him for his good great grades. They told him he  is smart). This is why he want ballistic, he felt  his intelligence  was  questioned, his point  of pride.

    He is emotionally distant because he doesn’t value emotions much. He values intelligence.

    And so, he is limited in relationships, be  it  with whomever.

    anita

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