Thanks for the replies everyone

Hi Inky

Wow I wish I had a percentage of your confidence!   I had to smile at myself imagining getting us all over for dinner together (I’m a socially awkward hermit so would of melted in a gooey puddle before any food even hit the plate).  And another thing that is stopping me phoning for a chat with her husband is – what if it’s all innocent? I’d hate to cause any trouble for her family.

BUT!! You gave an idea to me!  Since you wrote last I had my mum phone up here a bit after 6.30 in the morning (so only slightly earlier than when this secretary, who was on maternity leave,   and he have phoned each other up) I picked  the phone  and just said ‘oh hi!!’ and didn’t address by name etc.  I didn’t share with my partner like I always do afterwards.  My partner was due to get up around that time anyway and after getting himself some coffee he went outside to read on the deck.  After a little while I took my book out too and casually asked him when he’s due to go overseas with work again.  Left it a little bit than said as casually as I could something along the lines -that since we’re not telling each other about phone calls I think it’s important that we talk about anything else we don’t have to share with each other. The first thing he said he would of put the phone on ‘speaker’ !!! if he got a call at that time!  (partner and I spoke about this again only a few days before I wrote here) So I said no you wouldn’t of, you go outside to take calls at that time and don’t even tell me about it.  At least you knew and you heard my half of the conversation.  Partner now agrees he’ll tell me if he get calls “not to do with work” that early!

I was so happy at first – I’m a straight up person so I probably was a little high from acting like that ! but now I feel a little bit sad.  Because if feels like such a struggle to get him to consider my side of things and I’m feeling to old to keep up with it sometimes! He knew before I got my mum to call up, I wasn’t going to get calls that early from any guy (or  anytime! but if  I did I would of brought it up for conversation) so he stuck with he wasn’t going to tell me about such calls even in the future.
When I try to get him to understand how I feel – it’s like he doesn’t care unless it effects him somehow.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by dawn101.

Anita

My partner always got great grades at school without studying and both his parents think he’s smart.  Same with me, I think he’s really intelligent and couldn’t say differently even if we were argumentative because it would be untrue – plus luckily we don’t name call or attack each other’s personalities.  It’s not a trigger point or self esteem thing as he’s a very confident person with a great job

If it was to divert attention ? that’s a scary thought.  I’m hoping he has nothing to hide.  But he did hide a little at least (by being ready for her phone call so early, and by saying he only contacted her 1 or 2 times)

I made sure I kept my voice calm when I asked him if he was having an affair  It would have been so much better if he’d comforted and reassured me instead it’s created more doubt.

The only things I know for sure, after talking with him later, is he will continue to keep things from me as he’s told me he doesn’t need to say anything. And the other is I  feel insure now in our relationship, especially as I value truthfulness and openness, but I don’t know if I’m expecting to much ? as I’m always so open with him