Dear Cali Chica:

I mentioned homeostasis to you before. It is my understanding (didn’t read about it but developed this understanding on my own), that the brain is engaged in mental homeostasis. Our organism needs to keep us feeling okay, as okay as possible, in between circumstances that demand a quick reaction (such as actual danger leading to fear and Flight and/ or anger leading to Fight).

And so, when you as a child felt great distress, the brain rushed into removing that distress, removing the extra stress in a similar way that the body removes access glucose from the blood.

That numbness is the result of removing that extra stress. It is an automatic reaction, happens to some other animals again, as they “play dead” when in danger that they cannot escape or fight (the Freeze reaction).

When you Freeze, go numb, repress, dissociate (I mean the same thing using all these terms in this context) on a regular basis as a child, when this becomes the MO, it stays this way.

This numbness made it possible for you to stay with your mother as a child, day in and day out, year after year. It allowed you to stay, not to run away from her or fight with her, two options you did not have. Much like other animals that Freeze- they do so because they cannot escape the danger in their lives.

So this MO stays. You suffer and you abuse your now husband. Still numb. Thing is you are still very much in contact with your mother, still interacting with her, and I am sure it is not an honest interaction, that is, you don’t tell her what you share here. This interaction is keeping you numb as your brain doesn’t know that you are now an adult and it is time… to un-numb yourself. It is the same brain you had as a child, same connections, same mother’s voice which is still maintained by real life interactions with the original voice.

The great majority of adult children cannot imagine ending all contact with their mothers. And the great majority never do. In certain cultures this may be even more difficult. And so, people don’t heal. Minimizing contact is simply not enough.

Do you think or feel that your current interactions with your mother are hindering your desired progress, your aim to feel your repressed feelings? And do you think it is possible for you to heal while in contact with her?

anita