Dear misterman:

There are muscle spasms tics, I know how they feel, the eye blinking. It is completely out of my control when it happens. I know the other tics as well, those motivated by the “super strong compulsion” you mentioned. Had them, and to a lesser extent, still do for fifty years or so. I had multiple tics, every voluntary muscle in the body involved at one time or another.

Indeed it has been that super strong compulsion you described. I didn’t understand it for many decades. I didn’t understand why I was able to not twitch (that is, to execute those tics) for a little while, doesn’t it mean I can stop twitching all the time, I asked myself?

I didn’t understand why at times, when calm, I didn’t twitch at all. Doesn’t it mean I can always not twitch, I asked myself.

And I tried real hard to not twitch and failed every time. I felt like a… freak of nature.

And then, I wondered if I was motivated to twitch so to punish my mother for hurting me. I wondered that because I twitched more when I was angry at her. And maybe there was this motivation.

What I do understand now is that this super strong compulsion is a reaction to danger, a result of fear, of an ongoing fear, aka anxiety. It is the … individual parts of the body, sort of running away (Flight) or fighting (Fight), the two natural reactions to danger.

Because my whole body was not able to run away or fight, individual body parts tried to do this very thing: run away or fight. But this compulsion, is not something I chose. I still don’t choose it.

I hope to read your thoughts and feelings about what I just shared.

anita