I look around me and I cry. I see everything I’ve done around me. How hard I try to be happy and have a better living. I see it all and start to bawl. I see how much effort I put in and I truly feel so bad for myself. I hug myself. I am trying so hard. And yet, I mean this fully when I say it, I feel exactly the same way I’ve felt for years and years.   I don’t understand the point of anything Anita. It always comes back to this horrible core feeling. I have two weeks where it’s not happening (it all feels fake and stressful anywya) and then boom. I feel no desires. I feel so many desires. I see the paintings I’ve painted that I hung up. I see the new elephant pillows I bought. I see the lights I have hung up. All the things I’ve done to make my home and make me happy. What is the point.