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cali sister

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  • #319225

    cali sister
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I hope your walk went well. Looking forward to your email.

    Today, my yoga instructor stated (I cannot remember the great way he stated it) – but something along the lines of — you do not need something or someone to feel love, because you yourself are love. You are just that.

    It was an intense hot yoga class with 15 min meditation after. One of the best classes I have ever been to. I’m very glad I went.

    The class had a lot of Hindu influence – made me think of how my parents were the one who had that cultural knowledge  – they were the ones I went to temple with and taught me all the cultural values etc. This weekend is Diwali and our new year (my state). I was saddened by this – saying goodbye to this education they were able to give me. It was very special to me – their stories. Parrot has a vast knowledge about this stuff and I loved learning about it.

    Makes me think of my language too. How I speak it so fluently. I feel that NC – means I said goodbye to learning certain cultural things.

    I no longer have someone to teach me such things and keep the cultural traditions. Anecdotes from India. Sad..

    Good night anita.

    • This reply was modified 22 hours, 32 minutes ago by  cali sister.
    #319205

    cali sister
    Participant

    Anita,

    I like that perspective because it takes away from this societal belief of “good vibes”

    Not sure if you know – but it has become this huge thing on social media. Pressuring people to have this positive energy. Again. The pressure.

    Im Walking to my yoga class now. Today has been a day if lots of tachycardia(rapid heart beat). I have days like this often. It’s not comfortable. This baseline anxiety. I remember when we first started talking – you had said it’s impossible to feel anxious at all moments. But I can tell you – that it sure feels like it. Whether it’s possible or not.

    #319181

    cali sister
    Participant

    Yes. the first breath. Tearful at first. But then fascination. How amazing.

    1. Self parenting – I want to talk about this more  how to do this – there’s so many books on this but I wonder what it means for you

    2. Positive energy – I think my energy has been very negative these past couple years. This fear. Letting go of the fear – is essential. Do you believe this to be true? That there is such a thing as vibes and energy. And good attracts the good?

    #319171

    cali sister
    Participant

    How wonderful. The fetal position in yoga class is called the pose of rebirth. I am going to a joint yoga/meditation class later today. It’s been difficult for me to find the energy or motivation to exercise since NC.

     

    #319161

    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    Yes – I shall do that.

    Yes – a necessary step. Today, I realized – I no longer have to worry about them, and it was this cool feeling (cool meaning temperature) – like a whoa, free, crisp cooling feeling. It was a moment of…relief. And..aha! I was on one of the medical floors with my medical team. And I looked around and smiled. It was a moment of freedom. Went away pretty quickly, but I became aware.

    Baseline boredom and not forcing feelings I think go hand in hand. That is my daily homework. Also – to not assume hostility.

    #319157

    cali sister
    Participant

    ^above did not reflect

    #319111

    cali sister
    Participant

    Yes-

    growing up – she repeatedly told my sister and I – that America is horrible. And India was better. So we grew up thinking that another world that is better than the current one existed. We grew up thinking it was a tragedy to be in this world. So everyday was mourning. HOW insane !

    remnants of that still exist of course.

    also random – but sometimes throughout the work day, I remember that I don’t have anything to worry about and I feel free and happy. Sounds silly doesn’t it?

    #319101

    cali sister
    Participant

    dear anita,

    Thank you for the reminder. I hear what you are saying loud and clear.

    I think one of the first steps is to also realize that reality is not in fact boring, and this is just fine. Parrot lived in a world that sucked and was always trying to escape it- saying other worlds were better.

    I know, like you said, easier said than done. But – it is a step that I can take.

    About to see some patients. Write soon.

    #318997

    cali sister
    Participant

    dear anita,

    Glad to elaborate. When I say something happen, I mean an a life event of some sort to happen to me. I guess though – they have. New friends. New city. New job. I am over powered I guess with this want for romantic relationship that I forget about the others and that they are indeed “something that happened.”

    This over emphasis comes from parrot, of course. She instilled a false definition of love in me – and she too searched her whole life for this love. Endless searching because it is a search for something that does not exist. She taught me to always wait for something..that there was always something coming…there is more. Life was about waiting for the next thing – because right now was not good.

    This is instilled in me so I naturally wait. Have to rewire to understand reality.

    #318953

    cali sister
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    yes – and this is what I practiced when I had those thoughts that day. Refocusing them. I know with time they will get less.

    now back to baseline boredom. I think this may be my biggest priority right now. Esp after I felt the way I did yesterday.

    #318853

    cali sister
    Participant

    I also want to write this –

     

    we were emailing about this sadness. It’s almost scary the switch from that sadness to feeling ok. If almost seems fake when I feel happy again. But It’s not. But like I said. It’s almost freaky. These switch of emotions. How at one moment I felt so distressed – that nothing would get better. And now I am cleaning, cooking, walked pup.

    Weird switch. Feels unreal. Or unhealthy

     

    how funny that you emailed me about this same thing. Just now. !! WOW! Yes. That bad feeling did pass and I felt good again.

    • This reply was modified 3 days, 2 hours ago by  cali sister.
    #318811

    cali sister
    Participant

    good morning anita,

    16 days of NC.

    I struggle with the supermarket – fresh produce. Yesterday, at the orchard, a deep feeling of sadness came over me (the only way I can describe it because that is exactly how it feels).

    My father would have loved a place like that. He would have really enjoyed it – and would have gotten us anything we wanted to eat. He would have loved the pizza truck. As this feeling came over, I took deep breaths and spoke to myself. I said, “One more experience, one more day will not be spent on feeling bad/sad about them. Will not be dulled by them. Your life thus far has been all about them. Each experience saddened by them, in a variety of ways. No more. This experience is for you and yours to enjoy.” Throughout the day, those feelings would return at certain moments and then go away. This was my life. I remember vividly in college one day, it was one of the first beautiful days of spring. My friends asked to go to happy hour after class (I lived at home during this time). The entire time I was with them, I felt guilty that since it is the first nice day out, my mom would have loved to go to the park. I felt bad that I did not go to the park with my mom (would we have gone even if I went home – probably not). I realize that – perhaps I am not only projecting me onto pup – but also my mother. That guilt of her being home always. She would say when my father would get home from work, “I have been home all day, let’s go somewhere.” I think – this is it. It is her – it is parrot that I am projecting. That burden to take care of. Like my sister projected on me. I project on pup.

    I look at the apples I picked this morning, taking some out to give my sister. The same sad feeling again. How my father would always buy fruits for me from the supermarket. How he enjoyed cutting an apple for me to bring to school/work. What is he doing now? I hope he is okay – I can’t help but wonder. I miss him..I think? I hope he is ok ——- a feeling that I have spent the last 27 years with. Always worrying about him, if hes ok – as if he is a child. This feeling of sadness – so familiar. At the NC — one of the points of the NC – is to no longer feel this way. To be free, this rebirth. It all takes time. As I sit here, it is like deja vu of me sitting in my old room, feeling this exact same way when he was in the next room over. This is a feeling that has been ingrained in me, and with time and speaking with you – it will be able to go away.

    So. This new world. I feel moments of it, and when I do – it feels nice. Chapter two. Hm….

     

    #318739

    cali sister
    Participant

    Hi Anita-

    Difficult for me to write today. Thoughts should be more in order tomorrow.

    I hope you are having a wonderful Saturday.

    #318675

    cali sister
    Participant

    Anita,

    I dreamt vivid dreams that I responded to a letter from parents and went home. – saw all the details that I hated. Experienced all the feelings that I hated. Parrot was saying things as if i had written a script. It was all so real. In the dream, I was in the car on the way to some type of Hindu festival. And I was writing to you – saying, oh no is this a setback, why did I do this, get me out of here. And then…. I woke up.

     

    I look outside my window and at 6 am on a Saturday I see someone else’s bedroom light on. I think – that person can be doing anything. They are free to wake up at any time they want and do literally any thing. If it’s reading, painting, or just sitting. It’s their life and they are free. And…. so am I. Wow.

    What has happened Anita, which I’m sure is common, is that I keep forgetting about the impact of this NC. How it needs to be processed and dealt with and celebrated. The nightmares, the anxieties, the random revelations – it’s all a part of the process and I feel that I may he ignoring the process.

    So – I would like the focus of the next couple posts to be the NC. And what it means. I feel as though I did it- and then continued to worry about all my other problems. But no- I want to explore it. And experience it. For example – last night I was so anxious while walking pup on my street. Every black SUV I saw, my heart stopped. One of them honked their horn, I jumped and was so startled.

    I feel moments of sadness throughout the day when I remember that my entire old chapter  of my life is gone. Almost like it didn’t exist?

    NC must be explored more  – I feel like I just glossed or jumped over it. I want to explore freedom. This new world.

    does this make sense?

    • This reply was modified 4 days, 14 hours ago by  cali sister.
    #318641

    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    I am processing everything you have written. Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you. Write soon. Good night.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 316 total)