October 26, 2019 at 6:13 am #319805
Thank you. I think bc of this recent NC, acute things I need more help with. I’ll wait for your response.October 26, 2019 at 6:36 am #319809
Dear cali sister:
What happened at work as I understand it (from email): you said something to one of your trainees about a co worker, another pharmacist. That trainee betrayed your confidence and told the pharmacist what you said about her. The pharmacist got angry, told your boss and approached you with the boss “in a very rude way”. You became tearful and “apologized a bunch”.
Next, a barrage of thoughts ran through your mind, among which are “I am going to get fired”, “I am horrible at my job”, “what will I do when I see her again”, and “this is the end”.
You wrote to me that you want to “know the reality of the situation that happened (yesterday)”-
What happened is not the end, not even close (“The end is upon us” is Parrot’s voice). What happened is that you gossiped in the workplace, said something uncomplimentary to one co worker about another. You made a mistake and a negative consequence to you materialized. Take responsibility for having made that mistake instead of saying on one hand that what you said was wrong and on the other hand, that she misunderstood what you said and took it the wrong way.
Your mistake was that you don’t talk in the workplace to one employee about another unless what you say is something completely positive that can not possibly be taken as negative by anyone, something that cannot be misunderstood by no one. That something has to be something short, for example: X is a hard worker, or Y is very dedicated to her job.
So what happened is done and it cannot be undone. But it can be forgotten over time as other things happen in the workplace, other gossips (by other people, not by you!), and business will go back to usual, probably by the time you go back to work after your week vacation.
As you know, almost every person in the workplace, no matter their position, makes mistakes and you mentioned quite a few, for example M flirting with A and behind a closed door, just the two of them, as well as A flirting with you and screaming your name, and I forgot her initial, the woman who suggested to tell A that you have a crush on him and so on and on. Thing is you need to keep your work relationships professional. Even though there is a lot going on that is not very professional and people get away with it, you can never know when your own non-professional behavior will turn around to bite you in the a**.
Therefore: no more flirting with A at all. No more talking about him with anyone at work. No more saying anything other than 100% positive to one employee about another, no matter anyone’s position.
When we are so afraid of making mistakes, and then we make a mistake and suffer the consequence, the tendency is to deny that we made a mistake. Which is what you did, saying what you said was wrong and that she misunderstood it and took it the wrong way. It is either one or the other, not both. I mean, she may have taken what you said farther than what you meant and said, but what you did say was wrong/ non-professional regardless of her taking it farther.
In summary: you gossiped, and got caught. Others gossip and didn’t get caught and will continue to gossip and may not get caught, no negative consequence, and it may be frustrating to watch, but it is what it is. You have to keep your behavior in the workplace professional at all times. And it is not the end of the world, you apologized and you were not fired. (Plus, if you were to be fired, you said there are so many jobs available within the same block or a few blocks to where you work).
October 26, 2019 at 7:03 am #319813
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by anita.
Yes, I did something wrong. However, like you said the way she took it was completely not what I said at all. Also. There was something that I was said that I did this past Wednesday, which was actually completely false. A true lie. A true rumor.
yes – of course I admit it. Or else I wouldn’t have been so upset and apologized like I did. I know it was wrong. But my reaction of being fired – is not normal. I need a statement to remind myself that this is a event. And that’s it. Not termination. I mean that’s so dramatic!
also – to clarify – many jobs for A. My job is very specific – so I am in a niche that is not readily available.
But yes – the lesson is learned. I think this is a common thing many people learn during their first job. I’m glad I learned it without even being a year in.
my issue is – all or none thinking. So the inability to compartmentalize this situation that happened from an exciting vacation coming up.October 26, 2019 at 7:25 am #319823
Dear cali sister:
(I did answer another thread after waiting about 25 minutes for your reply, so I am correcting myself: I may answer other threads while communicating with you).
Regarding your overthinking this happening Friday, this is nothing new, your anxiety is at least a couple of decades long, so no surprise that you are very upset over this. Plus you are about to have a vacation with a sister whom you love and she loves you, but there is a history of animosity between the two of you that has been ongoing for a long, long time. This is why I suggested ground rules for the two of you to follow the moment I heard of the planned vacation.
Here is a key point: your anxiety is not going anywhere. When you get a break, have a blast here and there, that break is not going to last. So it is very important that you learn to expect anxiety and not be surprised by it. When you experience a spike in anxiety, don’t try to eliminate the anxiety as if your life depends on it. Because even if the situation is corrected, the anxiety is not gone, it will latch into something else before you know it.
This is why my mentorship suggestion (brought about by you referring to me as your mentor in email) is a long term project. This is what I predict: when are thirty, if you persist in healing, your anxiety will be significantly less. Expect your anxiety to be as bad as it has been for over two decades to continue for the rest of your twenties. When you experience a spike, don’t get alarmed, it is .. business as usual. When you experience a spike, go to a plan (yet to be put together) and follow it while you are feeling very anxious.
In other words, when you are very anxious don’t try to feel okay before doing what needs to be done. Do what needs to be done while very anxious. This is the kind of work I see you doing for the next three years before expecting a significant lessening of your anxiety.
anitaOctober 26, 2019 at 7:32 am #319825
Okay. I understand. Well. That being said. I am ready for the mentorship. I understand it has to be structured. Go ahead.October 26, 2019 at 7:58 am #319831
Dear cali sister:
Okay, let’s start then. I am very serious about this and am ready. Let’s form rules for your behavior in the context of work and in context of your relationship with your sister. The latter is very relevant because in two days you will be spending time with her on vacation. These are the rules I already suggested regarding work:
1. Do not say to one employee anything about another employee other than 100% positive.
2. Do not flirt with any employee in any way, shape or form, nor will you seek a relationship with a man at work outside the strictly professional work relationship in the workplace.
3. Do not share with employees any information on a crush you have on a fellow employee, nor other private information that can be used against you. Be friendly to all co-workers, but a friend to none.
Edit the above and suggest more, based on the Friday happening and otherwise
anitaOctober 26, 2019 at 9:47 am #319873
1. I agree
2. I don’t completely agree. I don’t do anything inappropriate at this time with him. And if there’s a spark, it’s impossible for me to ignore it. I think this rule is a little too extreme. Perhaps it can be more lenient to make it more realistic.
3. Completely agree.
– explain to me more the plans you have for this. The criteria and how we move forward. I know you said something about long term and short term goals.
October 26, 2019 at 10:04 am #319881
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by cali sister.
Dear cali sister:
We are settled with Rule 1 and 3. Regarding #3. I think the verb to flirt is not specific enough, for example a smile can be considered flirting but it is indeed not realistic to have a rule to not smile to a person you like. But what about seeking a relationship with a co worker, particularly being that you are his direct manager?
Short term goals and long term goals- make a list for short term goals (specify time frames) and another list for long term goals, will you?
-I will be back in about an hour.
anitaOctober 26, 2019 at 11:56 am #319895
Dear cali sister:
A bit more about the goals. These are the first goals I have in mind for you, the two in the highest priority group:
1. Maintain your physical health and safety.
2. Maintain your current job.
-The first means keeping your body alive and functioning. The second means keep money coming in so that you can continue to pay your rent, utilities, food and other necessities.
I would place a love relationship with a man in a lower priority group, a long-term goal.
I would invest in perfecting a list of rules, which you already started doing, to serve as guideline to your behavior in different contexts such as at work and with your sister.
And, very important: you are welcome to not do this work with me. But better do some work with someone, because you need someone’s help and guidance. The “New and Improved: the journey” is a long and difficult journey, not an event.
I will not chase you to do this work, don’t want to feel like I am pulling teeth, there is no reason for me to inconvenience myself this way.
anitaOctober 26, 2019 at 1:12 pm #319909
I am trying to understand what this mentor/mentorship idea is and how it will go. I have to re read your email about it and your post on tiny Buddha about it. Sisters pup has been very sick. I hardly slept and then my sister is also sick. So I was a bit over taken by all that this AM. Also the anxiety in general. Feel much better after a bath. I’m headed to my friends place now in order to get ready for a Halloween cruise. I’ll show you my costume.
But I’d like to say something – and correct me if I’m wrong – you sounded a bit aggravated in this last post that you sent. Especially at the end. I’m not sure why. I never said I would not participate. I’m having a hard time forming all my thoughts in order to write goals. I feel that .. I need assistance in thinking that largely after something like NC. I’m still in the acute phase. So – you writing the goals helped. It will take me time to write mine.October 26, 2019 at 1:19 pm #319911
My above post did not reflect. Anyway – your email stated – we can try a structured <span class=”term-highlighted”>mentor</span>/ <span class=”term-highlighted”>mentored</span> relationship where we come up with your shot term goals (and long term goals), a daily routine, plans on how to handle distressing events at work, such as today, plan ahead step 1, 2, 3 and so forth. I can give it more thought.
Alright. I think easier for me will be daily routine right now.
Also I forgot to respond to the other goal that we were discussing. The one about flirting. Yes perhaps the best word to use is not flirting. However, I am simply interested in him. At this moment, I am not doing anything actively to pursue him. Not going to ask anyone or him.October 26, 2019 at 1:20 pm #319913
Dear cali sister:
Yes, I felt a bit angry I suppose, feeling that I am investing more than you are, in other words, chasing you and I hate chasing people! But reading your recent post makes me feel better, I figure you are overwhelmed, not having slept much, the NC still being fresh, the happening Friday at work, so yes, you get credit for all of this!
Well, take your time then, take all the time that you need and have fun being out and about, distraction and some fun will be best for you at this point!
anitaOctober 26, 2019 at 1:22 pm #319917
I am not sure why you would be angry with me or feel that you are investing more. It makes me feel a bit odd. I didn’t come up with the idea per se. And of course it is great and for my healing – however I think you may have expected a bit too much from me right away. My mind is very fragile right now.
I’m not sure what you really mean by investing more. It kind of makes no sense to me. I feel a bit angry now myself. Perhaps you were projecting again.October 26, 2019 at 1:27 pm #319919
Dear cali sister:
it is not a crime to feel angry at another, even at a friend, at a sister, at anyone. It is okay. I felt angry, you feel angry, it’s okay. Yes, I expected too much, then I corrected my expectation. We make mistakes, we correct. Same with Fri at work, we make a mistake, we correct, we move on. It is okay.
anitaOctober 26, 2019 at 1:36 pm #319921
so what do you think about what I wrote about that goal?