October 3, 2019 at 10:22 am #315817
Dear cali sister;
Interesting- my last note to my mother had the same thing in it, I too wrote to her that I was doing it for my health, that was my stated purpose in my last note to her.
* Which brings me to this question: you do know that this no-contact step will not bring you instant peace and well- being- do you know this clearly?
It was not the magical solution I hoped it would be- it was a necessary step that made it possible for me to proceed in the long process of healing and experiencing a better quality of life, still an ongoing process.
As to your draft of the text, it is fine. If you want to consider this editing, do so. The purpose of my editing is that you keep this text (sent to both of their phones):
– to use it in the future, in case you do involve the police, as well as if you will need to get a restraining order from the courts (I don’t think it will happen but I cannot predict the future, of course).
– “You may never know why or think you have done nothing wrong etc.” is a waste of text space. You can add that, but it is useless. It won’t hurt if you keep that.
-“this is not my fault”- this is giving them more information (as if they needed any more) as to how they can further hurt you, telling you in so many ways that indeed it is your fault.
So this is what I suggest:
“I love you and care for you (…?), however I can no longer tolerate your behavior. For my health, it is the best decision for me to no longer keep in contact with you. Please do not contact me anymore. I moved apartments- do not go to my old apartment or my new one, or to any apartment I may ever live in. If you do, I will call the police. Do not come to my workplace looking for me. If you do, I will call the police.”
I started with the Love part because in the beginning and for so long, you loved them so. Begin with the love part because this is what you are about and have been for so long, loving your parents.
You can add if you want something following “I love you and care for you”, or redo this sentence so to fully express your love for them, so that in the future, you will have the peace of mind that you did indeed express that love accurately to them, this one last time. If you want, you can add that love part to the end of your text. And maybe (?) add that your decision is final.
What do you think?
anitaOctober 3, 2019 at 10:42 am #315823
thank you for the edits. and I agree with them I think I will add the love part again at the end… perhaps this
“I love you and care for you – I always have.However I can no longer tolerate your behavior. For my health, it is the best decision for me to no longer keep in contact with you. Please do not contact me anymore. I moved apartments- do not go to my old apartment or my new one, or to any apartment I may ever live in. If you do, I will call the police. Do not come to my workplace looking for me. If you do, I will call the police. I am sorry. This is for my health and well being. Your behavior is unacceptable. I will always love you both. Please know that.October 3, 2019 at 4:04 pm #315881
Dear cali sister:
I had no idea you replied to me. I came back from a walk and decided to send you a note asking how you are doing, wondering if you are okay, and discovered that you posted back early this morning. In the future, after you submit a post, see if your name reflects under the list of Topics. Sometimes it doesn’t happen and I am not aware of a submission. (If I was aware you posted earlier I would have replied to you long ago!)
Your edited draft reads fine to me- I now wonder if you sent it already??
anitaOctober 3, 2019 at 4:19 pm #315889
Anita. I sent it. I now have a new number.October 3, 2019 at 4:19 pm #315891
Oh my god.October 3, 2019 at 4:31 pm #315893
Dear cali sister:
Congratulations! I bet it feels weird. And at times it will feel even more weird. How are you feeling, tell me?!
anitaOctober 3, 2019 at 4:53 pm #315897
Dear cali sister:
“oh my god” is your most recent post. How are you???
(I will be away from the computer for an hour)
anitaOctober 3, 2019 at 5:44 pm #315903
Good night, cali sister, 8:43 pm your time. I hope to read from you in the morning.
anitaOctober 3, 2019 at 7:03 pm #315917
yes. I feel weird. My friend B and M spent the evening with me. I went to the police station first. And wanted to file a report. The experience was horrible. They did not believe me. Asked me why my parents were bothering me at 27. And stated how many parents continue to text bc that’s what parents do. That I can’t just file a report because my parents are being annoying. I broke down and was eventually able to file a report. For an order of protection – I can do that in family court. All I could report is that they are contacting me a lot and that it is causing me distress. but they said they can’t do anything about them showing up to my place yet since it hasn’t happened yet
The police station experience for me was … so difficult. Writing my fathers name on the report Anita. I couldn’t. I broke down- I had to write it under the “suspect”. I was literally shaking. It was so hard for me to write his name down. So hard. I will never ever ever forget it. My friend tried to come help me write it and the police officer screamed that it must be in my hand writing . Which of course I understand. But they could’ve been nicer . It’s interesting because since my father is the one contacting me the most – it is his name that went on the report. Not my mother
We then went to the cell phone place. I sent the text – I love you and care for you – I always have. However I can no longer tolerate your behavior. It is emotional abuse. There has been too much. For my health, it is the best decision for me to no longer keep in contact with you. Please do not contact me anymore. I moved apartments- do not go to my old apartment or my new one, or to any apartment I may ever live in. If you do, I will call the police. Do not come to my workplace looking for me. If you do, I will call the police. I am sorry. I have filed a report to the police. I am so sorry. This is for my health and well being. Do not have anyone else contact me. Your behavior is unacceptable. I will always love you both. Please know that.
i went inside the store. And got my phone number changed. My friends and I then went to dinner. I am so thankful they spent this day with me and were so so so so so supportive.
This has been one of the most distressing days of my life. My texts mentioned the police. Even after the fact – they messaged me on WhatsApp (another texting app). About 20 min after I sent the text. I had missed a video call from my mother and my dad had texted me. They then called my best friend from home.
I feel relieved and proud and happy. I get excited randomly. But my biggest fear is seeing them while I have to walk my dog. And then having to call the police. Mentally preparing for that is…. I don’t even knowOctober 4, 2019 at 6:57 am #315977
Dear cali sister:
Amazing! You did it!!! You made it through, I am excited for you, excited at what this means in this “New and improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world”-
– how could you possibly experience a rebirth and a new world if you still lived in the old.
Your final text to them is excellent, perfectly stated.
“I feel relieved and proud and happy. I get excited randomly”.
If you do see any of them while you walk your dog, call the police right away.
And if you need a reminder regarding why you had to do this, I will be glad to go back to our old communication and put together a reminder in your own words. Let me know if you want me to do that and I will this morning!
anitaOctober 4, 2019 at 7:54 am #315985
thank you!!!! I was scared to walk outside today. But it went well. My doorman was very supportive. He said “we are here to protect you.”
I would love for you to do that! I just had this weird thought just now – I felt bad for smiling because I know they are so distressed right now.October 4, 2019 at 8:07 am #315991
Dear cali sister:
Like I wrote to you before- they texted a lot and called and whatnot because it is easy to do, they are not likely to bother themselves that much and actually drive or take a train or an uber to nyc looking for you.
“I felt bad for smiling because I know they are so distressed right now”-
– think of all the times they were distressed while you were there with them!
Remember your mother distressed that you were home and wanted you out with friends? She was distressed while you were home, very much available for contact with her!
So distressed while you are there, distressed while you are away. They just came back from Spain, correct? Maybe they will go for another vacation to destress.
I will do the reminder job for you. Post again anytime, and for the rest of the day whenever I see that you posted, I will reply to you first.
October 4, 2019 at 9:55 am #316027
- This reply was modified 9 months ago by anita.
Yes you are right. They are always distressed. I do imagine my father crying. Which does hurt me. But this is all normal.
Hard. But I’m happy at the same time. It’s a weird feeling. I feel very … weird.October 4, 2019 at 10:14 am #316029
Dear cali sister:
It will feel weird for a while. Takes time to adjust. But keep reminding yourself of the truth of the situation and you will feel better. For example, when you “do imagine (your) father crying”- remember that he cried way before you cut contact and while you were right there for him. And that he is experiencing the consequences of his actions over the span of years and decades!
I am working on your previous posts, first being Nov 13, 2016. I am a bit slow this morning though. Post anytime, just like yesterday the computer will be on until about 9 pm your time.
anitaOctober 4, 2019 at 12:21 pm #316057
Dear cali sister:
I just finished going through (not reading everything) all your posts and felt embarrassed about my last post or posts to you June last year, how I misunderstood you at that point. But then, this is why I am here on tiny buddha, to learn. I get better at understanding over time and work. I was wrong June: I inaccurately projected my mother into you and stubbornly held on to that inaccurate projection/misunderstanding.
What I noticed is how kind and genuine, honest, straightforward, appreciative, gracious (and having excellent sense of humor) you were all along.
I am exhausted. I put together a collection of your words over time and will post them later. But the computer is on, so I will be checking in case you post.
One more thing: having read and re-read and then read again the massive sharing by your sister and you (mostly by your sister), I have no doubt that you did the right thing to cut contact with both your parents. I mean, I don’t think anyone in the whole world read so much of her and your writing, communicating with the two of you over the period of years- so I hope that my absolute conviction that you did the right thing comforts you!