Anita,

thanks for reading my many posts. I just logged on any time I had a thought. I apologize in this post if sentences sound off- I’m typing from phone voice text

This freeze response you talk about – it doesn’t let me enjoy anything. I remember in Costa Rica we went swimming  in this beautiful cave with a bunch of boulders and since the tour guide and everyone around me kept saying this is beautiful I thought this intense pressure to know and feel that it was beautiful so instead of enjoying the entire time I was thinking to myself do I think this is beautiful am I enjoying.  Where I live right now has beautiful and amazing scenery and it is a famous destination in the entire country.  Yesterday I went hiking and before I went hiking I read some reviews of the trail so I knew where to park the reviews or the directions to the trail simply said hike up the trail and enjoy the views well you hike. Boom.  Those words “enjoy the views” – an incredible amount of anxiety.  Do you entire time I was hiking instead of feeling the mountains instead of knowing that nature on it all is beautiful I was questioning is this beautiful. I would stop  at certain points taking breaks and trying to also feel that feeling that everyone else has that wow this is such a beautiful relaxing experience. This thought consumes me. For days. I think how come these scenes are so beautiful. How come everyone thinks nature is beautiful. It’s an objective thing that everyone agrees on. It is OBJECTIVE. So why can’t I feel it?

Last night for the first time I went on the suicide prevention hotline website I didn’t call but I did try to do the chat thing not because in that moment I was actually feeling suicidal per se but I just wanted to see what they tell me or what they would tell me.  The way it ended up being too long that I actually fell asleep however while you wait they have the link that you can press the call it safe space.  I clicked on it and the first two videos are of mountains.  And I think to myself of course of course this will be relaxing video that they’re posting because this is supposed to be truly objectively a relaxing thing this is natural this of nature. But of course this mountain scene cost me even more anxiety so it was not safe space for me

With regard to experiences of going out and hang out socially I also am not able to enjoy them not only because I feel the same inside all the time but also because I never believe these experiences because in my life all of them have always ended. I only know friendships that don’t end well I only know boys that don’t end well. So to me whenever I experience an event with a friend it’s hard for me to fully immerse in it because I don’t even believe it’s a real.

Lastly, I want to say I truly don’t know how it is not possible to feel so alone when I am alone how can I feel not alone when I literally don’t have anyone. (This obviously shows how much faith I have in my current friendships)  for all of the friends that I have right now, I am the secondary friend. My friend that is getting married next year, I am a bridesmaid in her wedding. However I am in no way someone that comes to her mind first her life is filled with so much that I am just secondary. What happens with me, is that all friends all people become my primary because I don’t have a primary I don’t have the family.  So I am alone it is a fact per se if you actually were looking at amounts of people. So if you look at it objectively or like a math equation how can I not be alone?

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by cali sister.