anita,

emotional cheating. a huge concept. boys. parents. friends.

A Dating Strategy for Calisister

As you know, my sister and i really struggle with boundaries. my favorite thing about what you posted is: The date is limited in place and time. I struggle THE MOST with this. In most of my experiences, if a date were to end early, it because it is my choice (I do not mean to sound conceited – but this is usually how it goes with any woman). I have such a hard time keeping it to one place and a certain time. Even before I even meet someone (and I have no idea if i will even be interested) – I have this idea that it must last “forever” in a sense. You know, there have been times where I have been on dates and I was not even interested but I still would go to another place with them. I cannot explain why.

Thus, I think my biggest efforts definitely have to go into being OKAY with hanging out for 1-2 hours. Not everything has to be a 12 hour ordeal. For example, Monday, Alex asked me to get happy hour. It would have been for an hour or so since he had to give a lecture at 6pm. I am repeating this for myself: Alex was asking me to hang out for 1-2 hours. This concept made me anxious. I was unable to attend because of work, but even if I was able to, I do not believe I would have said “yes.” I felt more comfortable with the idea of hanging out the next day since neither of us had any obligations or plans in the evening. There is no time limit. Now, don’t get me wrong. The time limit or amount of time concept has nothing to do with “oh i do not only want to see him for 2 hours because i like him so much and want to spend more time with him. I want as much time as i can get!” It has nothing to do with that. It is hard for me to explain the feeling that I get. And I do not really have an explanation why. I’m sure you will have input. Alex is a good one to practice this with because he is this way. One time in November, we studied together at a local coffee shop. After a few hours, it was SUPPOSED to end and I knew this. But i was so uncomfortable with the concept when we were leaving. “this is all we did? was it enough?” I had to leave. I had to go home to my puppy, eat dinner. But even though I HAD to, i had a really hard time and might have even said statements like “i thought we were gonna go on an adventure after!” Maybe it has something to do with – maybe the longer they see me, they will like me more? But that does not explain why I continue dates with people I may not like. Conclusion: I rather sit at home alone for an entire evening than see Alex (or any man) for a planned amount of time.

I feel the same way (not to the same extent of anxiety) when it comes to plans with friends. Of course, it is not romantic when i am with my girlfriends, so I do not have as much trouble leaving when i get sleepy. If i am sleepy with a man and I have a huge presentation the next day, i will stay as long as it lasts. no ability to leave. i’ll give the presentation on no sleep.

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With regards to the conversation, hm, I am not sure the best way to practice. I do have issues with oversharing, bluntness, abruptness. I, by nature, am not that “typical, feminine, gentle” girl. I mean, that is what makes me, ME. I have an edge. I have never been that girl. BUT, I could maybe tone it down a bit and try to be those qualities in a sense, so i do not come off as rough. How would we go about this? Practicing this per say.

Last time I saw alex, i forced myself to stay silent in silent moments. Since he is not my actual boyfriend or someone who i am seriously emotionally dating, he is not someone i would practice the vow of silence with yet. we are not on the level for him to understand such a thing. instead i did what i could with silence. and it felt better. but this is just alex. there will be many more alex-es.

Talk tomorrow.