Dear Anita

Thanks for that. I keep analyzing my  thoughts and behaviors  hoping get better but it never helps. You’re right. I never feel safe. it’s a feeling. I’m no longer that little child, I’m an adult just like other adults I have to care about my feeling of safety myself, and not depend on anyone. I’m no longer a child so it’s just a feeling. So how can I start feeling safe and not need a person in order to feel safe ?  A person who would never help me with this, by the way.

My mother didn’t notice me either. She was angry with my father everyday, bad mood and took it out on me, yelled at me. When they argued she used me to make a point. I was a tool. (sorry English is not my first language). Then she  didn’t want me to visit him, I was a kid so her opinion was very important. So I didn’t visit him. And then he died.

That guy wasn’t my boyfriend. We dated for over a year. He didn’t want commitment, I didn’t accept that but he ignored it and didn’t let me go. So a year has passed and I slowly started to accept what was already a fact: that I agreed to not be in a relationship but I loved him so much I couldn’t leave. I met this guy 8 years ago but we weren’t so close at that time, just a couple of dates, but still took me a while to get over him when we stopped seeing each other. Last year we met again and this time a lot more has happened between us. I feel like I’ll never forget this man. I met many people in my life and I was in a couple of relationships, some good, some worse, I always get over people fast and meet someone new. I always do, no matter what heartbreak or failure, it never lasts long. This one has dominated my life in a way that scares me.  I’m scared that I lost him forever because there is no way we will see each other again. That scares me so much, I’m afraid of suicidal thoughts but sometimes I feel I cant stand those thoughts, I cant stand the feeling of losing him, and living the rest of my life with those thoughts, blaming myself, I cant stand blaming myself. I don’t do this on purpose, if comes naturally, those thoughts just come to me and remind me what I did, what I should have done, what I did wrong and how could I fuck this up, and now it’s all gone. From the moment I wake up to when I fall asleep, everyday.

You talked about medicines earlier. I dont want to take medicines, I did in the past for a short period of time. They don’t cure anything. They help but they don’t cure. They create even bigger problems, I don’t want that.