Dear Mark

The only thing I do for myself is trying to feel better, because I’m really scared about how I feel. Besides that I don’t really care about most things for myself. How to love myself?

Dear Anita

You’re right. For most of my life I thought my dad was the problem, well he was because he was an alcoholic etc but what you wrote is 100% true. He never yelled, hit or got angry with me. He never “did” anything wrong to me. Besides ignoring me he never did anything – and that can be understood in many ways but you’re right. She scared me and he was always nice and gentle to me, but in the bad moments he just never did anything.

I don’t want to sound like this guy I met was an evil person. He didn’t love me yet many times he pressured me to keep meeting him and couldn’t let me go,which I know is cruel, but at the end when I told him I loved him he said we both know he would never make me happy and that he doesn’t want me to suffer.  I don’t want to hate him, hating him or resenting does not help. I don’t want to hate or blame myself, and don’t want to hate and blame him. I want to forgive and let go.

Thank you about what you wrote about feeling safe. It’s a really new thought and very refreshing. I’ll think about that and try this, maybe in the moments of mediation. It’s very helpful, thank you.

He texted me he wants to come by “for 2 minutes” on Thursday to get his things he left at my house. I know I should just be nice and normal and I will of course, but I start to overthink and get nervous about seeing him, since it’ll be probably last time.