Dear Cali Chica:

People say things. How little effort it takes to utter a word, a sentence, such as “catch up with you soon”- easy. Done in way less than a minute, makes a person feels good, having socially lubricated the moment well, slide to the next moment. There are so many things people say just so to move on nicely through this moment to the next, what was said forgotten. Never meant to be remembered by the one initiating these non tangible utterances, utterances long gone following the few seconds of utterance.

Figure out a person’s motivation and you will know what meaning to give what they say. At times people say things when emotional, not considering the long term requirement of following through and how circumstances can change, making such follow through unwise.

I see a lot of commonality between your mother and mine. They both are extreme, very persistent in their expressions of distorted thinking and false believing, very rigid, extreme and consistent. So much so that it is impossible to live a reasonably good life, or even a tolerable life, following their thoughts and beliefs. Simply impossible.

If you look at your sister’s description of a very recent communication she had with your mother, a recent video chat, she showed your parents her puppy and your mother said something like: look how sad he looks in the back. How relentless she is at pointing out the sad part of a scenario.

Except that she never pointed to her daughters being sad. Didn’t see, doesn’t see or doesn’t care.

You wrote: “I see that my mother was never aware, intelligent, or strong enough to look  within…life isn’t just a series of things that happen to you as my mother made us think. We do have control  on how we accept them, deal with them, and process them”

Again, such a striking similarity to my mother: “Something happy could be instantly negative.. Someone great can be instantly bad and not good for us”- my mother repeatedly and strikingly changed her view of the external to fit her erratic mind, to  accommodate her changing feelings. The reason for her changing feelings, in her mind, was indeed persistently external.

It is easy and would be easy for me to excuse my mother for her ignorance, for her lack of awareness, intelligence and strength (the three things you listed), if only she loved me.

I mentioned beauty in my last post to you, your beauty. I see it, in your writing, in your thoughts, your feelings, your honesty, your quest for the truth.

anita