anita,

I woke up from a nap today. I did not feel right. I know I have to heal. But I did not like the way I was going about it. It was inducing even more stress upon me. My meeting my director was 2 hours from that point. It was an odd feeling. But similar to those moments of clarity they describe in movies. When things make sense. And you feel lighter. I actually could breathe. I knew something was wrong.

I had this fleeting thought. “You know, maybe I can keep going.” I thought about continuing. Thought about my work day the next day. I can do it. I can keep the job security and all i have worked for and still heal maybe? Conundrum of thoughts. Yes, I have been working. But have i actually been trying to heal? No. Psychiatry. Therapy. No.

I started writing in a journal. To help guide my thought process and my discussion with my director.

I am not sure if I have covered this before: the biggest anxiety (the most, MOST, influential mom voice that has hindered my peace in school and work) is these three statements:

1. you cannot do this
2. you do not understand
3. you don’t know anything

To give some examples for better understanding:

College. Freshman year. I was unable to continue taking my chemistry course because every time I read a sentence or took a note this is exactly what my mind would say, “do you even know what you just read? Do you get that? I don’t think you do.” This was unbearable. I would just cry. I had to speak to the Dean. They allowed me to take the course in the summer. I remember one lady in the office told me, you know, maybe this just isn’t for you. I said, “No. This is for me. I just need some extra help.”

Same thing happened in my last year of obtaining my doctorate. I was studying for final exams and the voices would convince me that I forgot the basic things – I remember I would panic and actually forget them – meaning my brain could not remember FOR REAL! I would panic and text my best friend and say, “hey, this dopamine agonist pharmacologically means this right?” Mind you, I truly knew. And probably achieved one of the best grades in the class. These three statements have also followed me throughout my actual practice. They have not (which I will get into in a bit) affected my performance. But getting through it is the most distressing, horrible experience. These are the three statements that I would like to work on most. These are currently the most detrimental statements for me. Because as an adult, my career is important; not only because it just is to me, but also because it is how I can provide myself with basic needs (money).

I wrote about these concepts in my journal. As I wrote about this, I realized. Wow. This is my disease. This is my disorder. I struggle with something. My anxiety is not me. My anxiety is not the pharmacist I am. My anxieties are what have made my life so distressful and have made it difficult to think clearly. It is hindering me. I wanted to fight it.

I wrote: my goal right now is not to love this career and become the best pharmacist ever. My goal is to do the best I can. To try. My goal is to function. To eat. To survive. I cannot love anything right now. I know I would be just as unhappy if I was volunteering at an animal shelter. I am not sure I truly hate what I am doing as much as I make it seem. I will know that when I am at a better place mentally.

I wrote: I can finish this program. I know I can. I want to. I do not expect special treatment. I may be slower. I have an anxiety disorder. I just need tactics and help to get through.

I am trying to function, but I am simultaneously putting immense pressures on myself that are unattainable. I am trying to force myself to be a certain thing that I am not.

It is OKAY. Things do not have to go a certain way. Things can stray. New paths can be made.

My director arrives. I explain all of this. He made me feel calmer than I have ever felt in the past 5 months. I tell him how I see myself. He states how I have progressed immensely through the program and have not let any of these factors affect my performance. He states how he cannot wait until I can finally see that too. He states how on Monday morning when I felt that distressed, instead of not going to work, I should have went in, went to his office, and told him how I am feeling. He would have accommodated the day for me. He states how he is here to help me get through and that I can fight this. I can fight the anxiety. That I am brilliant and cannot let it control me. “If you have a day where you have no ability to take care of patients, then you wont. We will have you do something else. You will go home early if you have to. But COME IN. Just come in. Be open. Don’t shut us out. Mental illness must be understood and supported. You are not going to leave, I wont let you (he said this in a loving way by the way, not forcefully). You will fight this. You will be honest with me and tell me how you feel. There is still so much room for you to grow. Work will help you. Staying at home, what will that do for you? Come in. We can help. We are here for support.”

He himself suffers from bipolar disorder and has had many mental health struggles. He was able to give me stories of his own and how he does not allow it to take control of him. It was inspiring. Told me how it took him years to get to this point but that I can do it too. When he first started, he felt like me and wanted to quit. Trying to reach this unattainable goal of doing everything: feeling better, being the best pharmacist etc. He met a colleague in the hospital who bought him a book that meant a lot to her. She wrote a note to him in the book that stated, “imperfection is liberating.”

He stated how my therapy appointments, psychiatry appointments – will all be dealt with and accommodated.

I did not go to him because I felt that I was failing him. He told me (in other words but I am summarizing) that I am putting him on a pedestal that is 55,000 feet and putting myself in negative values. “Do not put me that high. I do not need to be there. That is unrealistic.”

I told him how I am going crazy trying to find a job. He stated, “that is not the worry right now. That comes later. We will find a great one for you and you’ll buy a Jaguar.”

I expressed my concerns of a knowledge gap that I have or not being as competent as my co-resident. He said the same thing I said to myself: you do the best you can. All you can do is what you can. You are doing fine. And even at you’re lowest, you’re good. So imagine how good you are at your best!”

Essentially, I realized I kept hiding away when I felt this way. I shut people out. I go in a cycle. I hide. I do not show up to work. I talk to people on the outside and get one thousand opinions. I think I am incompetent and incapable. I truly believe I know nothing. When in reality, just like my director said, if I could just force myself to go in, I know it would be better.

This entire time when I was making the decision of leaving and only healing, I knew in my heart it was not right. I did not want to actually leave. I just needed help figuring out how to function. Next time this happens, because it will, I will go in to work. He said even if you’re in tears – just COME. You can do this. “Tomorrow when you come in, since you’re anxious about using the computer system after a couple months, I will print it all for you. These are minor things.”

These minor things are hindering me. And this is what I want my focus of therapy to be. And my conversations with you. Those three statements I mentioned in the beginning. They are the most detrimental to me. In all aspects of my life.

There it is. I am continuing. But not the same way as before. With more honesty with my director (which was needed because now I can be honest about my “bad” days). And with ACTUALLY healing. I need medications right now. I know I do. I accept that.

 

Here is a slight example of a morning routine that I think will work best:

Before work:

Wake up. Briefly look at phone (alarm).

Take puppy out.

Brush teeth/mouthwash

Put music on

Pick outfit for the day BEFORE shower (preferably night before if possible)

Shower

Feed puppy

Get ready in interim

Take puppy out

Eat breakfast at home; not on the way and not at my desk when work starts

Drive puppy to daycare (8 min away)

Come back home

Leave phone at home (not all days, but some. If not, immediately put it in drawer at work. If needed can also put in directors drawer with his)

Walk to work

 

After work:

Pick up puppy from day care

Play with puppy when back at home, put phone away during this time

Let puppy play, cook dinner

Depending on when: journaling, therapy, psychiatrist, exercise

 

Goals:

Things I need to cut down on (extra stressors to remove)

1. social activities – going out of my way to make many social plans
2. boy interactions – seeking them out; seeking Alex out
3. speaking to C

I will no longer be able to post a lot in the mornings due to my new rotations. But I hope I get to get at least one post in a day before you log off.

Cali sister