Dear calisister:

So you want me to not suggest to you to read Cali Chica’s thread and to not suggest to her to read yours. It is okay with you that I mention/ comment/ write about your sister on your thread and that I mention/ comment/ write about you in your sister’s thread. It is okay with me too, then. Will respect your assertion, now that I understand it better.

First, I’ve been getting to know the two of you over time. As I mentioned before, I don’t know how either one of you looks like, couldn’t recognize either one if I saw you, don’t know lots of (what I consider to be) trivial information about either one, for example favorite food and such. But I very much value what I do know, and what I am learning. I believe I know both of you, unfortunately, way more than probably most people who have met you in person, including your mother. I learned more about you recently, and I am open to learn more, understand better, see where I misunderstood and correct my thinking along the way.

Second, I like communicating with both of you, would like both of you separately and together, to experience well-being. I am not for one and against the other.

And now, to your recent long thread: I think your sister is on a vacation currently. I think you should not contact her for as long as she is on her vacation. I hope she relaxes where she is. She needs to. It is a good thing that you realize (so you wrote) that you have burdened her with your distress, in what I referred to as temper tantrums sort of. Have her well-being in mind. She has a lot to deal with, a very demanding job, a marriage, and  of course, the parents you both share. Probably a good idea to take a break from sharing with her and hopefully in the future, you can learn to share with her responsibly, in such a way that takes her into consideration, in a way that doesn’t overwhelm her.

I agree with you, that you are “both struggling”. The two of you have been receiving abuse by your mother and your father for too many years.  What happens is that both of you are angry as a result, understandably, naturally. And of course, under such circumstances, as children and growing up, either one of you, at one time, turned against the other with anger.

Anger doesn’t stay contained in a family. Often, siblings too scared to confront their parents, naturally, turn against each other.

Regarding what she told you yesterday: “You are exactly like our mom”- not exactly, of course not. Like her you have expressed your distress to your sister irresponsibly, overwhelming her, going to extremes, and that was wrong.

“I am not born on this earth to take care of you and our family”- I support that. Absolutely. And I hope she no longer attempt to do that.

“No one wants to be around you and no  one likes you”- that hurts. Not right, abusive. Sure, a repetition of your mother’s message of same. And so, right here, Cali Chica is being like the mother you share.

“I am the only one  that is shining in this family and the only one that has made something for myself”- I don’t know what she means by it. At times she is definitely shining, but so are you.

“I don’t want to tell you these things because I think it will just cause you to jump off a bridge”- that is a result of you reaching out to her repeatedly with suicidal talk, which is wrong for you to do, unfairly overwhelming her. She has tried repeatedly to be as gentle as she can be with you, not so? Like in the supportive post she placed in your thread. Sometimes she can’t do it and lashes out. She is not a saint. She gets angry like any human. Expecting her not to get angry when you burden her with suicidal talk, is unrealistic and unfair of you.

“I am the only one that is successful… You can’t do anything.. You haven’t been able to function one day”- these three things are simply not true and stating these things is abusive.

“who cares about your director.. he’s crazy himself”- wrong. He read sane and supportive to me. Some of her statements cause me to worry more about your sister’s mental well-being. Please, calisister, be careful to not burden her, let he be for a long time, let her heal and recover. She is not capable of helping you. I hope you see how distressing it has been for her. Leave her alone.

I think the two of you should leave each other alone for a long time. I don’t mean to have no contact, but very little and keep it light. Nothing heavy, not even close to heavy. The two of you need to heal separately, individually before a deeper relationship is resumed. A deeper relationship that will work for the two of you, in a Win-Win way, that is.

You wrote: “When my parents are angry at her, they scream at me. When she is anger at my mom, she screams at me. Since I was a young girl, she would take my mother’s anger out on me.”- this is the point I made earlier on this post: children submit to the parents’ abuse and turn against each other. Very common. Shame it keeps going as the adults that you are, still submitting to your mother/ parents’ abuse and passing on the abuse to others.

Instead of asserting yourselves with your abusers, you submit to their abuse and … abuse each other and others in your lives.

I agree with you: “she cannot be a parent because she herself is also in need of therapy.”- of course she is. How is it possible to spend one’s childhood, those formative years, with your mother and her dutiful, follower of a husband (your father) and not need therapy. (no question mark there, notice)

I think the two of you do need space from each other, for the benefit of the two  of you individually and for the purpose of having a healthy relationship in the future, not now.

anita