Dear Anita

I guess 10 years for sure. Years of attachment to people who did wrong to me and wasn’t even nice to me but for some reason I believed they were the ones to save me. Mostly it didn’t last long, but I was always seeking for someone new. I remember crying on the floor when ‘a friend’ abandoned me,  a friend who used me, didn’t respect me and at the end I started even hating her. Now I see this. I see the past, not the present unfortunately. Still in this toxic relation. He started texting me yesterday, talked even about an affair, didn’t hesitate. He even said he didn’t need those things and didn’t care, he wanted to come here and hoped something would happen. I saw how he looked at me. I wasn’t ready for this. He texted me at night that he knows it’s wrong but he wouldn’t hold back if I’d want to. I started picturing maybe he isn’t happy, maybe he doesn’t love her, maybe there’s still a chance. I was so confused I didn’t expect this. It would be easier for me if he just took those things, ignored me and left because I’m getting used to the fact he’s gone and he doesn’t love me, it was kind of steady. And now he did all this.. And today he’s texting me he’s having a nice evening, and he’s busy, with her probably and I just… I’m so confused you know. I didn’t even have the time to digest what he said yesterday and now seems like it was a fleeting moment when he said that, maybe he was bored and texted me all this I don’t know.  He gives me a rollercoaster, just plays with my emotions in the worst possible way. It’s too much, you know. I wouldn’t start anything but I couldn’t ignore what he texted me. What’s the use of all this trying to fix myself if I can’t even ignore what I know is bullshit, because deep down I realized that, I’m just looking for hope so much and missing him so much that I ignore the voice of reason.