Dear Martin:

No need for an apology, you did nothing wrong here.

You wrote that she told you during the relationship that you were “her rock” and that she appreciated how well you treated her in comparison to her previous boyfriend. After breaking up with you she told you that she “lost that spark”, that you were not “passionate and spontaneous enough” and that she was unhappy in the last year of the four year relationship with you.

Maybe for three years she was favorably comparing you to her ex boyfriend. Then she stopped comparing you to him. Maybe she found stability in you when comparing you to the lack of stability she experienced before. After three years of stability, she stopped comparing, felt stable enough… stable enough to get bored and lose her motivation to stay.

You suggested that chronic anxiety on her part may be responsible for the breakup, did I understand correctly?

It may not be her anxiety that led to her breaking up with you. It could be her relaxing into the relationship that led to the breakup, relaxing and then finding something missing. What do you think?

anita