Separation confusion

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This topic has 20 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 2 months ago by Anonymous.

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February 4, 2018 at 3:54 pm #190687

Martin
Participant

I was previously in a relationship with my former girlfriend for 4 years which she decided to end much to the shock and surprise of my friends and family in July last year.

What hurt me most was that initially separated she didn’t provide me with any reasons for her wanting to separate from me. I was in such a state of shock that I didn’t know what to say. I’m guessing on reflection that I respected her decision and that I didn’t wish to pressure her with the intention to tru and “rescue” the relationship.

Around 4 months I was hit with a wall of regret that I could have done things differently. We did decide to meet in person in an attempt at closure. In summary the main reason was that it was nothing that I did wrong but she lost that spark and that I wasn’t passionate and spontaneous enough. She also said that she was unhappy for a good year but didn’t tell me how she felt. That hurt me I really cared and supported her and told me expressively that I was her rock and appreciated how well I treated her in comparison with her previous boyfriend.

She also told me that I never told her that I loved her which I have to admit that I didn’t. It wasn’t an intentional thing on my part but I did all the little things in which I proved my love to her whether that was holding hands, supporting her through her anxieties and exploring new places together.

I never fully understood her anxiety in part to her never telling me how bad it affected her.

In summary my purpose of my post to gain clarity from other users how chronic anxiety can affects how a person perceives a relationship despite me doing what I thought were the right things. Any advice would be appreciated.

February 5, 2018 at 12:47 am #190723

Geean
Participant

Hi Martin,

I’m sorry to hear about your breakup. It’s true that action speaks louder than words. You made her feel that she’s loved but some people (like her) wants to hear words like “I love you” from the person that they love. It means a lot to them. You may not say it to her everyday but you could’ve said it during special occasions (anniversary, birthday, etc). There’s nothing wrong in expressing your love for her in words since you really do love her.

February 5, 2018 at 1:09 am #190725

Martin
Participant

Thank you for your reply Gee. It is something that I so regret not doing and not expressing myself in a more overt way. I’m a great believer in actions speaking louder than words as I’ve seen it so many times with people saying those words without meaning iti

February 5, 2018 at 5:39 am #190765

Inky
Participant

Hi Martin,

I don’t know how old you are, but at a certain age, a girl (now woman) doesn’t want a relationship to “coast” for very long. She needs the man to show he’s passionately in love with her. Yes, she even needs to hear (with passion) the phrase “I love you”. She doesn’t want the boy who does everything right by a checklist. It isn’t right or wrong. It’s a primal thing. We are all subconsciously looking for a mate to feather our nest with.

Maybe, perhaps, possibly, when she suddenly broke up with you she at least wanted you to chase after her in her innermost secret heart.

That said, you did do the right thing by taking her at her word and not running after her, arguing against why you shouldn’t have broken up.

And only we can give ourselves closure. At least you got an explanation.

Best,

Inky

February 5, 2018 at 7:38 am #190797

Martin
Participant

Thanks for your reply Inky. I was 33, she was 28. We started our relationship when we she was 23. She did tell me when we met up for the closure that if I had asked her to marry me 2 years ago that she would have said yes. I feel that she changed and wanted something different but she didn’t know what that was. All of my friends have said that on reflection we were not compatible and had different personalities. They said that even if we did marry it may not have lasted.

February 5, 2018 at 8:18 am #190817

Mark
Participant

Martin, Romantic relationships get stale when each partner goes on automatic and take each other for granted. Plus it is useful to know each other’s Love Language (look that up online) so that when you express your love then the partner will recognize it for that.

Fostering close relationships takes mindful work in communication, actions, awareness, empathy.

Mark

February 5, 2018 at 9:07 am #190841

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Martin:

In your original post you wrote that when your ex girlfriend decided to end the relationship, it was “much to the shock and surprise of my friends and family”- I am curious why you didn’t write that it was a shock to you, first, why you referred to your friends and family being shocked by your breakup?

Is it, I wonder, that their evaluation of your relationship and the breakup is more valid in your mind than your own?

anita

February 5, 2018 at 9:45 am #190855

Martin
Participant

Apologies Anita I should have stated it was a shock to me as well – a typo on my part. She told me a day before we were due to go on holiday. The fact that she told me that she was unhappy for a year and put a positive face on which mislead me into thinking differently did upset me. If I knew earlier I could have changed things

February 5, 2018 at 9:58 am #190861

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Martin:

No need for an apology, you did nothing wrong here.

You wrote that she told you during the relationship that you were “her rock” and that she appreciated how well you treated her in comparison to her previous boyfriend. After breaking up with you she told you that she “lost that spark”, that you were not “passionate and spontaneous enough” and that she was unhappy in the last year of the four year relationship with you.

Maybe for three years she was favorably comparing you to her ex boyfriend. Then she stopped comparing you to him. Maybe she found stability in you when comparing you to the lack of stability she experienced before. After three years of stability, she stopped comparing, felt stable enough… stable enough to get bored and lose her motivation to stay.

You suggested that chronic anxiety on her part may be responsible for the breakup, did I understand correctly?

It may not be her anxiety that led to her breaking up with you. It could be her relaxing into the relationship that led to the breakup, relaxing and then finding something missing. What do you think?

anita

February 5, 2018 at 12:07 pm #190889

Martin
Participant

Thanks for the reply Anita. I would definitely describe myself as a reserved, calm and consistent guy. My friends do describe as being a bit like vanilla – not very exciting! I’m an emergency services worker and I naturally try to rescue or support people. With my ex’s anxiety she never fully opened up to me with how bad it was but I was her rock and kind to her. It reassured me so much when she told me trusted me.

I’ve read up a lot on relationship styles and feel like she was anxious avoidant.She needed those overt and continued acts of passion to reassure her. My personality wasn’t naturally disposed to that. Maybe as she got older she wanted something different from a relationship

February 6, 2018 at 7:01 am #191013

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Martin:

I can’t imagine a better match for an anxious person than a calm, consistent, trustworthy and reliable man. Therefore I share your “Separation confusion”.

anita

February 7, 2018 at 1:30 am #191155

Martin
Participant

That is what I presumed as well Anita. I do feel that she wanted something different but she doesn’t know what that is yet. My personality didn’t change over our relationship.

February 7, 2018 at 3:48 am #191163

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Martin:

Without further input from your ex girlfriend, there is a way to look further into what may have caused her to break up with you, beyond what she told you. If you are interested in doing that, if you are- sharing here about her past relationship and her past and present relationships with her parents may provide some clues.

anita

February 9, 2018 at 9:08 am #191625

Martin
Participant

Hi Anita. I did speak to her parents on two occasions who in summary told me it was nothing that I did wrong and that she had changed. Her parents liked me and how kind and supportive I was. Her mum even told me that she expected us to be a married couple. I thought they were honest with me however they were protective of her in saying anything further which I understood.

February 9, 2018 at 10:02 am #191633

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Martin:

I don’t know if her parents know their daughter’s reasons, that it is nothing wrong you did. I am not aware myself of anything wrong that you did, but it makes sense to me that people would say that without knowing, just to make a person feel better. I don’t know if her parents know their daughter very well, if they were close, I don’t know. So no information here about her reasons for ending the relationship with you.

If you asked her parents, after they told you that she changed, if you asked: how did she change? And if they answered, that could have been interesting. Maybe helpful.

anita
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