Hi Katie,

You start this post by saying: “I am unhappy in the relationship yet SOMETHING is keeping me from leaving him. I wonder every single day what the thing is.” This something is not your relationship to your friends (or lack thereof in the current moment), nor is it your relationship with your boyfriend.  This might be hard to hear, but the something keeping you from leaving him is fear.  You are afraid of starting over, you are afraid of being alone with yourself, and you are afraid of feeling bored and alone.  This is completely normal and makes a lot of sense given the relationship/friendship history that you have.

You are someone who really values connection, friendship, communication, enjoyment and self-improvement.  But right now, you aren’t in tune with yourself enough to know how to move forward and you are feeling like your life sucks and comparing it to other people  Until you start to love and value yourself– you will continue to look for these qualities outside of yourself.  But the good news is that you can start to cultivate them internally and will no longer go looking for them outside of yourself!

For instance, fun is something that you also highly value, however, instead of turning inward and finding what hobbies or activities really allow you to have fun simply because you enjoy them, you keep turning to other people to entertain and amuse you– first with Amanda and Anna, then with Hannah, and now with your boyfriend.  You are looking to others to keep you entertained at all times. You don’t like to feel vulnerable or to sit alone with yourself and your feelings.  This is also normal because feelings of boredom or loneliness or anxiety are overwhelming and we just want them to stop so we try to distract ourselves from them.

Would you feel comfortable starting to look into doing social activities without your boyfriend and start from there?  It could be yoga, shopping, joining new clubs or groups at school, anything you can think of really– just start getting interested in what kinds of activities draw you to them and start thinking about what kinds of people you’d like to surround yourself with.  Not based on fun, but what do they value– do they treat their friends with respect, are they caring and loving to people around them, etc.?

I believe that once you start working on building a connection with yourself and learning what really drives you, the rest will start to happen naturally.  It won’t be an easy process, but will be worth it.  You won’t feel such drastic swings or losses from friendships coming and going and you will feel much more comfortable and safe with just being with yourself.  Once you feel that and you can value and respect yourself– the behavior you accept from others will change.  I can’t predict how that will play out in your relationship with your boyfriend, but you may end up realizing that you no longer will accept being treated the same as you once were.

I know right now you feel like no one understands you and that’s a really painful and isolating experience. I’m sorry that you’re going through so much right now.  The fact that you’ve sought out this forum in order to start getting support and help says a lot about you! You’re resourceful and dedicated to getting help for yourself.

Please write back with any response or general reactions you might have; I’d be happy to further help if this response was of any assistance to you!

Take care,

Amy