Dear Cat:

I want to respond to your latest post but first, a few days ago I listed quotes from what you shared. I would like to respond to a few of those first:

“my mother… would scream and shout at me and my sister for no reason… she would yell at (father) so he would end up slapping us… There was no way out for me.”-

I can relate to the experience of being yelled at. And being slapped. At the time I believed there was a reason, that I was at fault, that I was bad. I can relate to “no way out”. In nature, when an animal experiences aggression by another, the animal runs away or fights, and as a result, resolves the danger, no longer being exposed to the aggression (or it dies trying), but as human children we are stuck with aggressive parents, we don’t have the Flight/ Fight options. This is why animals in nature do not end up with anxiety (ongoing fear) and we do.

When animals in nature do find themselves trapped, unable to run away or fight, at the mercy of a predator, the animal “plays dead” which means, it dissociates, minimizes awareness, goes numb. Which is what we do as children, being stuck with aggressive parents. In nature, this dissociation doesn’t last long: the animal gets eaten by the predator or the predator lets go and moves on. In our human experience, this dissociation lasts and lasts because the parent doesn’t go away nor does it.. kills us. It keeps us alive and keeps the aggression going.

“On one of the days I … felt anxious and left the festival and started walking in a random direction… I felt like my brain wasn’t working… “- very much can relate to that “brain wasn’t working” feeling, a heavy fog in the brain, like sleep walking.

“I am definitely a free spirit but sometimes this means that I can follow down the wrong path… I feel that most of my life I have been running away from making decisions and putting it up to the universe and following signs, rather than using my own sense of judgment”- I felt so trapped, so imprisoned in life with my mother, that hitchhiking in opposite directions from “home”, away from her, had such a strong freedom feel to it, intoxicating, promising. I learned over time that freedom does require more than escaping the original entrapment, and for that to happen it does require “my own sense of judgment”, what I referred earlier as the third option, making thoughtful choices.

“For too long I’ve been an open book, hoping that someone will pick me up and understand me. I’ve allowed myself to be open and vulnerable to a lot of people”- can  relate to this as well. I looked up to others as ones in power, able to pick me up and rescue me. So I gave them all the information I thought they needed to rescue me. They didn’t. No one rescued me.

“When I posted on here last night it felt uplifting- because I knew that the right people were going to hear this story, and help me along my journey… I think far too often I have been looking for answers from people who aren’t spiritual or have faith…”- that is an optimism I do not share, that is, I don’t believe there is a forum or a place with “the right people”. Better evaluate over time each individual you interact with.

“this is one of my dreams and goals, along with starting a new happy life in Bristol”- I moved to many places, lived in many places, and had pleasant experiences in some, for a while. No happy life happened for me no matter where I was. I was in too much pain, too much conflict, too little awareness and lacking communication skills,  assertiveness skills, and other skills necessary for well-being,  so a happy life anywhere was not possible for me.

“It’s almost like I feel guilty for simply living my life or being confident or free because my parents never had that freedom.. if they can’t have it, why should I? They always said I was so lucky to have the things I did and looked sad because they didn’t have it and made me feel guilty… I feel so sorry for my parents not having these opportunities.. deep down I feel responsible for it all, and I really feel like a massive moral weight on my shoulders… I can’t remember one time as a child or growing up where I was just allowed to be happy or at peace as everything (I) did was wrong… it’s like being morally and soulfully contracted to carry out a life under their pains and misery, and feeling like I am harming them if I choose to love myself and therefore cut them out of my life etc. It’s the worst feeling in the world”- so well stated.

My Core Beliefs formed in childhood were: I don’t deserve to be happy until my mother is happy. Another: I am responsible for my mother’s misery and it is my responsibility to fix my wrongdoing (that is, to make her happy). Another: I am bad and do wrong. It is a cascade of core beliefs forming as a result of parents’ input and children automatic inclination to take such responsibilities.

“I have lived most of my life believing that my thoughts/ actions/ opinions are wrong… finding myself just falling in to situations” – with the core belief that you do wrong, that you can’t depend on yourself to do right, to choose well, you don’t venture into a life of thoughtful choosing… Better chance things will turn out correctly if I let other people choose for me, as they must know better, goes the thinking.

“I often get judged and labelled as ‘trouble’ just for standing up for myself”- I carried lots of anger with me, and I did not express that anger assertively.  I was either passively submissive or aggressive.

Regarding your recent post: I refer to similar thinking (gaslighting)  by my mother as “convenient thinking” or, as my therapist at the time referred to it, “expedient thinking”- whatever is convenient at the moment. Angry at a person- she will tell you how she is bad and wrong; pleased with the same person later, she is good and right and her previous actions are interpreted, retroactively,  in a way contradicting the previous interpretation.

As to my memory- it is better now. I am at more attentive to my surroundings and remember things. I still don’t remember much of my childhood but some memories exist and those get more color as time goes by, a result of  healing from that long, long term dissociation.

anita