Well, about the 30-year yearning I cut the story short so not to lengthen the posting. There are other instances that shows she does yearn for me. She told me she “apologize” to me in her heart when she had her first date with another man. In some of the photos she had taken, she said during that time I was in her mind. Some songs would remind her of me. The reason she really tried to find me again is due to her bosses’ sad story. Her boss just loss her husband. Apparently he was in depression and took his own life. That event made her realize she need to find me before she die. And the dream that she had for the past 30 years, it is always the same one where she could not find me. It was very vivid to her and she would feel lost whenever the dream occur. When we started our relationship, before we meet, she would have the dream and told me about them. If I remember correctly, it happened twice in the span of 1 month.

After we met, I drove her to the old place where we used to live and show her the path to my house. Since then she never had the dream.

We also discovered that our path crossed a lot of times without us realizing it. Like we go to same places for food or she moved to a school where I am staying very near to right now and so on. These cannot be coincidence because it is just too many instances of out path crossing.

Anyway she said the reason why she was so angry is because she is upset discovering I am not the kind of man she want. It does not comes from only the book event but also from other encounters we had for the past few months.

Right now, we seems to be texting again but there are a lot of hostility from her. Her heart has completely shutdown on me and she seems to be finding faults in everything I say. I am not sure if this is called toxic relationship. I do feel like I am loving her less and less with this kind of treatment.

She said that she have very high standards for the kind of men she want. That is why she chose a successful man to marry but she was treated badly by the mother-in-law and most of the time she is left alone to do things by herself. That is also why she said she is a “happy loner”. She loves being alone and doing things by herself. She has planned her retirement in the next ten years and seems like I am disrupting her plan. Again, she didn’t say this specifically on me but she did imply them in the things that she says.

Right now, my gut feelings tell me that I should let her go. If I do, I want to patch things up with my wife. However, my relationship with my wife has gotten the worse after starting the affair with Debbie. I think she might even know I am having an affair as she manage to eavedrop on me when I was having a phone conversation with Debbie. Since that day, she has distance herself from me. I have surrounded myself with gifts from Debbie, from my work laptop case to keychains and even the phone I am using. This is really hard. I don’t understand how people can have so many affairs in their life. If I could, I wouldn’t want her to find me so that I can continue to life my content life. She did made me realize the kind of love that is so intense that I have never felt with my wife when we were dating. It’s like now that I have eaten caviar, eating other food is not nice anymore. I know I sound selfish but I can’t help myself.