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My long distance affair and sad breakup

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This topic contains 29 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #191867

    abubin
    Participant

    First of all, I stumble upon this site by coincidence. I like the site being called “tinybuddha”. I was somewhat an atheist until I met her. Let's call her Debbie. She got me into believing in Buddhism and about things happening for a reason. Like how I stumble upon this forum on the day I break-up with her. So here I am sharing my story hoping that I could get advice and encouragement to live our the remaining of my pathetic life without her.

    Anyway, I have been having a long distance relationship with Debbie since June 2017. It was a crazy story how we started.

    One day I was told by my old school friend that a girl is looking for me. Apparently she was my neighbour and has been looking for me for a long time. At first I thought it was a prank. I sort of “played along” to see how my friends want to prank me.

    Eventually Debbie contacted me through Whatsapp. Our journey into the relationship began.

    You see, she has been searching for me for the past 30 years. We were in the same school bus when I was 13 and she 10. We only know each other by face and we did not talk. We did had a few encounters which lead her to start falling for me. Through out the next 5 years she was stalking me in a subtle way. I will spare you guys with the details. I was not aware of her infactuation with me.  In fact I did not remember her at all until it slow come back to my memory as she talked more about us.

    So one day (I was 17), as I was walking back home I stumbled upon her. She was in front of me and purposely slow down so that me cross path and so that she can talk to me. She sum up her courage and asked for my name. I told her my name and being a shy boy, I sort of “ran” away after I told her my name. Not long after she moved away.

    Through out the years she never did forget me. I have always been in her mind and when she got her driving license, she drove from where she was living then to my house to try looking for me. Unfortunately, my house was under renovation that time and she thought I have moved out.

    Eventually she went overseas to the US to further her study. Apparently I was always on her mind for the past 30 years.

    She always has this dream about me where she couldn't find me. It was so bad that she always wake up feeling lost. This dream stopped after we met. Since then she never had this dream again.

    So to cut the story short, I was really touched by what she did to me. Even though I vaguely remember her, I find myself falling in love with her. She is the most beautiful women I have ever met! At over 40 years old, she barely look like 28.

    She is married with 2 kids and so am I. However, both of us have our problems with our respective marriage which I guess lead to the affair. Then we eventually met for the first time in September 2017 and I fell head over heels in love with her. She came back for holiday for 2 weeks. We had a few dates and we had intimacy. It was magical! I have never felt so connected intimately with another woman. She said that too.

    However, we quarrel a lot. Even during the time when we are together. A lot of them are due to jealously, uncertainty, frustration, guilt and so on. After all we are still married to our respective spouse. At times she question why she is doing this as she does not want to hurt anyone and does not want to be labelled as “mistress”. I have actually proposed to her and bought her a ring. She accepted and this was between us only. I guess we moved too fast which is another reason for the downfall.

    Our base was not strong enough which again is the reason for quarrels.

    However, all of the quarrels I always is the one who back down and apologize to her. Some have this anger issue that is so bad that everytime we quarrel we almost breakup. She would say things like I was being mean to her using my passive aggressive tone. I have to apologize furiously and beg her for forgiveness because I know if I maintain a stern stance she will definitely ask for breakup. She will say things like she does not like a man who is selfish and unambitious and many other things that she eventually label me.

    You see, when she is angry nothing I say will go to her senses. She will be unreasonable and will always want to keep radio silence. I always had to give in because she would have stress issue from work, health and other things that she does not want our relationship to affect them. And when we are silent, for a day or two, she will continue to think I am bad in this or bad in that for doing this or that and I am to be blamed. Eventually of course we patch things up but I am always the one who take the blame.

    So fast forward to the argument that eventually caused us our relationship to end.

    Continue below.

    #191963

    abubin
    Participant

    It is really a challenge for us to be together. We are living over 6000km apart in different countries. I am still in the country
    where we were born, Malaysia. She has migrated to Australia. At 45, I cannot migrate to Australia anymore unless I have lots of money. She said she cannot come back and live in Malaysia anymore because she is too used to be western style of living. Living in an undeveloped country is really harsh for her. I agree with her and I started planning to migrate to New Zealand instead. She like that country as well. I would then need to work really hard to get myself migrated there and at 45, it is really really really tough!

    We started talking about investment for our future. She always talked about living by means of only buy needs not wants. She already had a few properties invested with her husband. Whereas I lost all my savings on a failed business just 3 years prior. I am still rebuilding my finances. She is okay with that and she does not mind that I do not really have money. She is not the kind of woman that is materialistic. She is independent and will buy things with her own money.

    So anyway, she mentioned about this book called “Rich Dad” and how it completely changed the way she look at investment and building finances. I told her that I hated that book because I had bad experience with it from many years back where a collegue keep bragging and annoyed me after reading all the great ideas from that book.

    Immediately her anger started. She got really angry at me for saying I hate that book. I tried to explain that I don't really hated that book but hated the event that lead me not to read that book. However, I was already planning to buy it and read it because that was not the first time she mentioned the book. Again, the cycle of her anger or upset begins.

    She said she is having a surgery which was planned in 2 days and that she does not want to get upset. So I had to keep quiet. However, I know that if I don't explain about my “hate” for that book, she will continue to label me as the book hater and a person with qualities that she does not want in a man that she is going to spend the rest of her life with.

    I tried so hard to text her and eventually she had an accident while driving. Apparently she knocked on someone else and damaged the car badly. This was the turning point that made her even more angry at me. She said I should learn to keep quiet because of my text, she got into the accident. When I texted her I did not know she was driving. Instead, I just apologize profusely and accepted that I am to be blamed for the accident.

    Eventually she went for her surgery and for past few days she was in pain. I had to keep quiet because she cannot be stressed.

    After few days, eventually she said that for the past few days the serenity and quietness has been great. That she has clear mind and think that I am not the person she can live with. She said she want a man who is generous, open-minded, risk taking and not calculative. My action for the past few month has made it unsettling for her. She said that “how can I not read that book because I am annoyed by a person. I am being narrow-minded and petty.”

    FYI, I am open-minded and risk taker! I am a bit calculative and not so generous but that is because I am not financially able. I do help people when I can. I am kind and considerate person. For the past few month after knowing her, I had tried to do a lot of charities to gain good karma because she said I needed that in my life so that my living can improve.

    From the way the conversation flowed, I know she already made up her mind that I am the kind of man she thinks I am. I never have the chance to explain or defend myself. She said I gave myself a dead sentence the moment I said I hated that book. She was beyond shocked. I knew then the relationship is over.

    I wanted to talk to her but she refuse. She only wanted to text and I am tired of texting and explaining myself which I am sure she will eventually use those text against me. So it ended.

    After it ended, I texted her all I wanted to say to her. I told her I am not taking the blame anymore. She need to deal with her anger. It was useless. Nothing I say matters anymore. I told her I will love her until that day I die. I will keep her in my heart even after she passed. She just replied asking me to take care of myself and she love me always.

    Read some articles on tiny buddha website and links lead me to realize that she has “Borderline Personality Disorder”. She was treated with depression when she was in the states at the age of around 23. She said she is cured and she does seems to have no depression symptoms. Whatever it is, our relationship had very low chance of success with each of us still married to our spouse. One is an easterner and another westerner.
    We live in a totally different lifestyle in different country. I never gave up hope. As long as she still wants me I would do all I can to settle down with her.

    Now I need to move on with my life. I need to mend things back with my wife. However, I do not love her anymore. I know she still love me but I am an extremely loyal person. When I was with Debbie, I have shifted my loyalty towards her. She is the person that I only love since. I have to also admit that the intimacy with Debbie is so good that I would never have that kind of magic with my wife.
    Debbie is my soulmate. My wife is my child's mother. I am really confused how I should live now. I can never love another person like I love Debbie ever again. Don't get me wrong. I was highschool sweetheart with my wife. We got married after 10 years of dating. I was loyal to her and never had any other women. Debbie was the only other woman I had. So I am a very loyal man that will never go for prostitutes or flirt around.

    I really really miss Debbie. Why did she see me as this kind of man that I never am. For 30 years, I have done lots of good things and she had to judge me on this one bad thing. I understand her decisions are based on our relationship for the past few months. She came to conclusion that I am not the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. I felt like I didn't have the closure that I deserve. That is so sad!

    This is such a twist of fate. For 30 years, she was yearning for me. Now that she found me and broke up. It's my turn to yearn for her and I know I will be like this for my next 30 years if I live that long.

    #191965

    abubin
    Participant

    I manage to talk to her today. She said she do no agree that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. She is mad I had to diagnose her with BPD. I told her I am no expert but I am open if she is and that we can work out on handling the problem if she has BPD.

    She also said she did not say I am not generous, not open-minded, not risk taking and calculative. She said she just told me she wanted her man to be generous, open-minded, risk taking and not calculative. I am lost. She is playing with words? And she said I always play with words. Hence why she always need to decipher my messages.

    At this point, I too think it would be better for us to separate. But I just can't let go. I promised her I would not runaway from her like I did when we were young. I am a man of my word. I really do not want to let her go. That is why I am really at a dilemma now.

    #192029

    anita
    Participant

    Dear abubin:

    You wrote in your last post: “I promised her I would not runaway from her like I did when we were young. I am a man of my word.”

    I suggest to you that you excuse yourself from your promise because your promise, reads to me, was based on her lying to you. I will explain: I don't believe that “For 30 years, she was yearning for (you)”. And I don't believe you ran away from the young woman you didn't even know at the time.

    Did she yearn for you at one time or another, did she stop by where you lived, while your house was being innovated? Probably. But she did not yearn for you for thirty years, just like she didn't yearn for you while in relationship with you.

    If she had yearned for you for thirty years, she would have yearned for you during the relationship between the two of you and her yearning wouldn't have stopped because you didn't like the book she liked.

    Let me know what you think, if you'd like.

    anita

    #192069

    maggie mac
    Participant

    Anita, I agree about the 30-year yearning. I have my doubts.

    Abubin, Especially since she has gone from yearning for you to somehow making a very fast and unfair judgment about one thing you said.  She sounds unstable. You cannot build a relationship with this kind of stuff. I think if you really dissect what has happened you will agree that this isn't meant to be. And you are being saved from something that isn't going to turn out well.

    I am so sorry you are hurting and it will get better. You have been on a fast and furious ride and your head is still spinning.

    #192137

    abubin
    Participant

    Well, about the 30-year yearning I cut the story short so not to lengthen the posting. There are other instances that shows she does yearn for me. She told me she “apologize” to me in her heart when she had her first date with another man. In some of the photos she had taken, she said during that time I was in her mind. Some songs would remind her of me. The reason she really tried to find me again is due to her bosses' sad story. Her boss just loss her husband. Apparently he was in depression and took his own life. That event made her realize she need to find me before she die. And the dream that she had for the past 30 years, it is always the same one where she could not find me. It was very vivid to her and she would feel lost whenever the dream occur. When we started our relationship, before we meet, she would have the dream and told me about them. If I remember correctly, it happened twice in the span of 1 month.

    After we met, I drove her to the old place where we used to live and show her the path to my house. Since then she never had the dream.

    We also discovered that our path crossed a lot of times without us realizing it. Like we go to same places for food or she moved to a school where I am staying very near to right now and so on. These cannot be coincidence because it is just too many instances of out path crossing.

    Anyway she said the reason why she was so angry is because she is upset discovering I am not the kind of man she want. It does not comes from only the book event but also from other encounters we had for the past few months.

    Right now, we seems to be texting again but there are a lot of hostility from her. Her heart has completely shutdown on me and she seems to be finding faults in everything I say. I am not sure if this is called toxic relationship. I do feel like I am loving her less and less with this kind of treatment.

    She said that she have very high standards for the kind of men she want. That is why she chose a successful man to marry but she was treated badly by the mother-in-law and most of the time she is left alone to do things by herself. That is also why she said she is a “happy loner”. She loves being alone and doing things by herself. She has planned her retirement in the next ten years and seems like I am disrupting her plan. Again, she didn't say this specifically on me but she did imply them in the things that she says.

    Right now, my gut feelings tell me that I should let her go. If I do, I want to patch things up with my wife. However, my relationship with my wife has gotten the worse after starting the affair with Debbie. I think she might even know I am having an affair as she manage to eavedrop on me when I was having a phone conversation with Debbie. Since that day, she has distance herself from me. I have surrounded myself with gifts from Debbie, from my work laptop case to keychains and even the phone I am using. This is really hard. I don't understand how people can have so many affairs in their life. If I could, I wouldn't want her to find me so that I can continue to life my content life. She did made me realize the kind of love that is so intense that I have never felt with my wife when we were dating. It's like now that I have eaten caviar, eating other food is not nice anymore. I know I sound selfish but I can't help myself.

    #192139

    abubin
    Participant

    I do not think we are back together. We are just talking about random stuffs. Since Lunar New Year is nearing, she ask me to concentrate on the festive season. I think she has prepared to tell me she want to end our relationship. I want to prepare for this.

    This thing is like a tsunami. You can see it coming from a distance. You plan and prepare for the wave. When the tsunami hit, it still destroy everything in your life. You need to rebuild it piece by piece. Life have to go on. Sigh!

    #192199

    anita
    Participant

    Dear abubin:

    If “These cannot be coincidence because it is just too many instances of our path crossing”, and therefore, your relationship is meant to be by some sort of a divine plan, a predetermined fate, and she has experienced this divine plan for thirty years, then why is she interrupting that divine plan by “discovering (you) are not the kind of man she want”? Why is she resisting that predetermined plan with “a lot of hostility”? Why is she “finding faults in everything (you) say?

    You wrote: “She has planned her retirement in the next ten years and seems like I am disrupting her plan“. Again, she is interrupting that divine plan with her individual plan, isn't she?

    anita

    #192237

    Mark
    Participant

    abubin,

    It seems that you already know that there is no real chance that this is going to work out beyond a virtual relationship over text.  Y

    I would not worry about any promises you have made to her not only for the reason anita stated but also that we make our promises based on who we are and what we know at the time.  An example of this is that you made a promise to your wife in marriage.  You are still married.  That was a promise.

    I adhere to the view that love is a verb.  As time goes by with married couples, the “magic” and passion usually changes or diminishes.  It takes an active and conscious effort (yes I use “effort” deliberately) to keep the relationship alive.  There is a mature love that can develop.

    Love is a Choice: 30 Ways to Love in Action

    How I Saved My Marriage

     

    Mark

    #192343

    abubin
    Participant

    Thanks for the advice, Anita and Mark and Maggie too. Both are really enlightening and provider perspective to the relationship.

    I am supposed to fly over to meet her next month. During that time, I planned to talk to her about our future getting together. This episode that happened made me think it will not be possible. She would not want to see me even if I go over.

    Both your advises allow me to speak to her in a different perspective now. Again, if I manage to speak to her. And because it is one month away, should I speak to her about this now or wait?

    I apologize again if I sound selfish or I totally ignore my wife. However, my relationship with my wife is not in good terms. Even if we goes back to being “okay”, it is totally only like co-parenting. Debbie is the person I see whom I want to wake up to every morning. Or course I love her. Should I just let her be alone like she wanted? I mean loving a person sometimes means to let her go, right?

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by  abubin.
    • This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by  abubin.
    #192435

    anita
    Participant

    Dear abubin:

    You are welcome. You asked for advice on whether you should speak to Debbie now or after you fly to see her in person. Of the two choices I think it is better that you talk to her now, so that maybe, just maybe it will save you the money to fly and see her. Maybe something will be resolved in communication before seeing her in person.

    I understand that your relationship with your wife is not good. I wish it could be healed, but if it is not, I hope the two of you will co parent well, for the sake of your child.

    Your wife and Debbie are not the only women in the world, your only chances for love. I am not recommending that you look for a third woman at this time, only suggesting that if you do look at reality as it is, you don't have to compromise reality so to fit Debbie into your life.

    In other words, if she claims something that is not true, it is okay for you to challenge it.

    anita

    #192601

    abubin
    Participant

    I think there is no hope with Debbie now. I know I need to move on. She is just too complicated a woman for me. I thought loving her with all my heart is enough a start for building our life together. Seems I am still not good enough for her. I do feel very unsettled. Very frustrated that she has to end it with such circumstances.

    I really need to pick myself up first. I will need to severe all contacts with her. It will be tough.

    At my age, I just want to live what's remaining of my life. I don't think I want to have another relationship. I really hate the kind of promises people make when they are in love but it all goes out the window when something happens. Including myself.

    #192615

    anita
    Participant

    Dear abubin:

    You wrote: “I hate the kind of promises people make when they are in love but it all goes out the window when something happens. Including myself.”

    In the comment “including myself” you are referring to promises you made to whom, I wonder, and what were those promises?

    anita

    #192893

    abubin
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am referring to promises I made to my wife. I broke it when I had an affair. I do aware that I am hypocrite.

    #192941

    anita
    Participant

    Dear abubin:

    Debbie doesn't read like an option, even if she was interested, reads like your life with her would have been miserable. You indicated that you are not interested in a third woman, a third option.

    What about your wife then, is it possible at all, to make it work, to maybe start from the beginning and build something worthy with her?

    anita

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