My long distance affair and sad breakup

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This topic has 29 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years ago by Anonymous.

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February 18, 2018 at 6:14 am #193111

abubin
Participant

Dear Anita,

I will stay in the marriage with my wife to see if we can mend things up. I am already in a very broken state (inside). Not only there are guilt when I face her, I am not physically attracted to her anymore. I think for the sake of my kids and the family I want to continue my life as a responsible father and husband.

One question for people who have went through break-ups. Should I keep all the things that Debbie has given me? Should I stop being “friend” with her? Will it be easier to heal that way?

Reminded me of the time when Debbie and I had another of our argument. I was misearable for a week and I called myself a walking zombie. I don’t want to feel like that for the rest of my life.

February 18, 2018 at 7:20 am #193141

abubin
Participant

I put her as priority. I love her with all my heart. What else does a woman want in a man? Apparently a hell lot more! I am so upset now!

February 18, 2018 at 7:35 am #193147

Anonymous
Guest

Dear abubin:

As to your last post: “What else does a woman (Debbie) want in a man?” – from what you shared, a fantasy of sorts, a fantasy to fit hers, that is, her story of the incredible 30 year love story that did not exist.

What you have with your wife is real life. I sure do hope that you can attend to it with some hope.

anita

February 18, 2018 at 4:01 pm #193221

abubin
Participant

Thanks Anita, I think you got it spot on about her living out her fantasy in me. Now that she is fine with me, I am no longer useful.

I know I have to move on but it’s so hard. I barely slept last night. My mind keep thinking about us and how things could have happened differently and things we said to each other and so on.

February 19, 2018 at 6:31 am #193281

Anonymous
Guest

Dear abubin:

You are welcome. I understand: Debbie awakened something in you and you miss the thing she awakened, dreams and hope for a better future, a future of love and excitement, new possibilities. Am I correct?

Is it hard to go back to the life before, without that hope for a better life?

anita

February 20, 2018 at 10:56 pm #193659

abubin
Participant

Dear Anita,

Yes, I need to wake up from my dreams as well. This hope was really enticing and for a moment I really see light at the end of the tunnel. Right now, it is just not possible without commitment from her.

I am not sure if I should be grateful to her for finding me. On one hand, I had one of the best time of my life when I was with her. On the other hand, I will be haunted with the separation for the rest of my life.

It is really hard moving back to my mundane life before. Life still have to go on.

February 21, 2018 at 4:32 am #193681

Anonymous
Guest

Dear abubin:

It reads to me like returning home from a very exciting party where the food was great, the music was wonderful, dancing into the night, smiling, laughing, feeling so good… and then coming home. The home feels quieter, sadder, more boring than ever before. And you want back to the party.

Except that this party, the relationship with Debbie, had a lot of fantasy in it, make believe. I suppose it is like going to a party and taking drugs that made you feel good. Problem with mood altering drugs (and fantasy thinking) is that they stop working, stop altering the mood as the brain adjusts and builds tolerance to the drug.

Look at your life as is, this very life. Try and see in it something you didn’t see before, something that is true to reality, but you missed it before. Nothing too small to see. Look.

anita

March 22, 2018 at 2:16 am #198749

abubin
Participant

I have been quiet because I am still evaluating my feelings and the relationship. For the past 1 month, Debbie and I has got together again. I went to meet her as planned. It was a short trip but we get to spend some quality time together.

We have talked about our future together. However, things are looking bleak for us. She said she wanted to concentrate on her career (which she sacrificed when she had children) and she already started her retirement plan with him (her husband) few years ago. She won’t deny that she still want to be with me but her priority is to be able to retire and have a peaceful life without financial worries.

I don’t blame her fully because I am not capable of providing her in financial terms. My business failed few years back and I am still recovering from it. So I am not able to provide her with financial securities that she want. Not that she is asking for a rich partner but someone to at least provide her with the basic necessities in order not to be struggling through paychecks every month.

After meeting up with her, she did open herself to me with saying things like she love me and all. However, we had a small argument since then. Even though we are back to “okay”, I felt she has stopped opening herself to me. She don’t say sweet things to me anymore. I am not sure how I feel about this. Because it is a long distance, I think it is important for couples to “keep the flame”. I felt, she didn’t do it because she does not want to be feeling vulnerable. She has this mode when she work or under pressure, she has this side that is cold and proper. She said only I have seen the side of her where she opens up her heart. Am I being too needy?

Another thing that has been bugging me is that I seems to be like in the lowest priority of her life. Eventhough she love me and she said we might have a chance to be together in the future, she is not making any promises. I need to work hard to “win” her. Like making sure I manage to get to NZ or go to another country to work. Away from places where nobody knows us. Am I stupid to hold on to this woman who does not put me as a priority where I do everything I can and put her as my priority?

Finally, the main thing that prompted me to repost in this forum is because of something that happened in our last video chat. She said that before he leave for 1 week work overseas he told her that “he will never divorce her”. The thing that is bugging me is the way she said it with a smile. I felt like she was happy to hear him saying something like this to her. My heart sank upon seeing her smiling face when she said this. Am I being too sensitive? Or paranoid?

I am really in a dilemma for the past few month. It is really hard to have this kind of relationship. However, I have this really strong feelings that if we manage to get together, we will be the happiest couple in the world. Am I holding to a dream that will never come true?

Should I just wake up and end the relationship? It is really hard. I am really tired. I am really sad. I am really exhausted. I really want this to work out. Am I too selfish? Should I just let her go if I love her? Can I live a life without her?

March 22, 2018 at 5:18 am #198767

Anonymous
Guest

Dear abubin:

A summary of your story, just the facts:

You (45) and Debbie (over 40) were born in Malaysia. You still live in Malaysia, married with children. She lives in Australia, married with children.

The two of you started a long distance relationship in June 2017 and had physical intimacy for the first time in September 2017. Her highest priority is being financially secure. Her financial security is in her career and a retirement plan she has with her husband. You had a business that failed and you are not financially able to provide Debbie with the financial security she is focused on having, not even close.

In addition to this, migrating to Australia is not possible for you, at 45 and not having enough money. She doesn’t want to go back to Malaysia and live there. It is possible although very difficult for you to immigrate to New Zealand, for the purpose of you beginning to make money to provide her with financial security there, so that the two of you will be living there, after she separates from her husband.

My input: I understand that, as you shared, you no longer feel any love or physical attraction to your wife, and that there is nothing in your relationship with your wife that is meaningful to you. I understand that your business failed and you are frustrated by the financial/ career stagnation in your life, not having much hope for significant financial improvement in your life, where you live. And I understand that having your children in your life is not meaningful enough for you.

And so, you don’t feel alive, motivated. The only ray of light in your life, the only glimmer of hope, is Debbie. Problem is there is no hope with Debbie. But having nothing else, you hold on to that flickering ember of hope, that little tiny light.

In understanding your relationship with Debbie, one has to include understanding the circumstances of your life that are making you so miserable, living very much in the dark. And so, you hold on to that little star in the sky that is not really there. The stars we see in the sky, many of them are no longer there, gone. But we still see them.

anita

March 22, 2018 at 6:37 pm #198905

abubin
Participant

Hi Anita,

Thanks for putting in such a great perspective. I think I know what I should do. Just that it is really hard. Now I understand why it is so hard for some people to get out of a toxic or abusive relationship. The leap of faith is just too damn hard.

March 23, 2018 at 5:09 am #198929

Anonymous
Guest

Dear abubin:

You are welcome. I wonder what “leap of faith” you are referring to..?

anita

March 26, 2018 at 2:55 am #199497

abubin
Participant

Sorry, it shouldn’t be called “leap of faith”. More like “dismemberment”. Severing ties with Debbie. Remember, we had “broken up” a few times and every time we reconcile and is together again.

March 26, 2018 at 4:16 am #199505

Anonymous
Guest

Dear abubin:

Maybe it is a matter of faith- the faith that you will be okay without Debbie in your life. You had the hope for a better life with her, maybe in New Zealand. Now you are faced with your life being as it was before her in your life.

Reads to me through your posts that life with her, if she separated from her husband and you separated from yours, would not have been a good life for you. It would have been a life away from the one you are having now, but not a better life.

It was a fantasy: her fantasy about a life long love that was finally coming true and about your fantasy of love forever after, good feelings, passion.

Now what…?

anita

April 5, 2018 at 7:11 pm #201057
abubin
Participant
At last it happened again. We were texting about me taking English exam (one of the requirements to English speaking countries), and she corrected me on some grammar. So I told her that I will correct myself on it. She said points will be deducted if I did what I did and this was taught to her by tutors who were examiners for the English tests. But I know it is not really a grammar mistake. I started googling about it and found that it is actually okay to do what I did. I pasted a link to some article describing about that and she got angry. We stopped texting until the next day. I asked her if she was still angry and she replied “no comment”. I then told her that I appreciate what she did to me and I will do as what she said, will not write the way that she said was wrong.

After that she said “whatever” and I started getting angry. It was such a small matter and she blown it up like it’s a big deal. I can’t think of any reason other than she was angry because she cannot lose in this argument. I do not even think it was an argument because I never said demeaning things to her. She then said she felt she is not qualified to comment on my English. And she proceeded to block me in Whatsapp.

This is it, I guess. I can’t be dealing with a women with this kind of emotions. I cannot even discuss with her why she got so angry since she blocked me. I am really angry and puzzled at the same time. However, this woman does things meticulously. I know she will not block me for just a reason like this. Maybe she has an ulterior motive which I can only speculate. Doesn’t matter since what’s done is done.

I need to start thinking of moving on with my life. Sigh!
- This reply was modified 6 years ago by abubin.
April 6, 2018 at 2:34 am #201087

Anonymous
Guest

Dear abubin:

If, and it is a big if, you and Debbie proceeded to have a life together, you would have to do so much, the English exam is one of many, many things to be done, one of which would be to get employment in a new country. To do all that, for the purpose of living with a woman, you need a solid base, that is, a solid relationship with the woman.

Moving to a new country, starting a life there requires so much. Without a solid base, how can you do that? How will you be able to endure all the distress when the woman you are with is inclined to get angry at you and ..block you (will it be kicking you out of the house… threatening to .. exile you from the new country..?) any time.

To prevent her from being angry at you I suppose you would have to agree with everything she says before she says it. That would be an undesirable life, I am thinking.

anita
Author

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