Dear Anita,

This is very accurate: “My suggested answer is that your mother expressed her anger at other people to you or in your presence because it felt good for her to vent. Your well-being was not her concern. Feeling better herself was her concern and her motivation.

She did not think: is this good or bad for my daughter. She felt angry and she vented.” I think this pretty much sums up her behaviors towards me all my life.  Same with the thing you wrote about my hair: I couldn’t change it, she just told me this to point this out that I have thin hair. Just wanted me to be aware of my flaw. She made sure I KNOW this. How sick is this? I cant understand it. Can you understand it? Can you really. Why would anyone do this? When I don’t like someone I’d tell them (theoretically): you’re stupid, you’re ugly, you’re fat. When I don’t like someone. So what does that mean here?

Well there’s one thing I always think about and never shared here, I always felt she was ashamed of me: that I lisp, that I didn’t stand straight and she was afraid how I’d look like when I grow up, that I’ll have ugly hair. She once told me that when I was 2 years old she shaved my head bald because she hoped my hair would grow thicker. She bullied me about this hair all my life. Funny thing is my hair looks pretty nice and aren’t that thin at all, now when I left them alone and grew them long people always say how pretty my hair looks. I don’t see it, I will never see  my hair  as beautiful because of her but I’m kind of aware they’re nice. or I should say I believe when people say that because they have no reason to lie, right? But I will never actually see it as pretty. Same with other things when I tell someone I lisp or did in the past they don’t believe me. People consider me as pretty and attractive which always amaze me because I see myself through her eyes. Now when I’m writing this I changing this bit by bit so thank you for this.

Isn’t that when you have a kid and he paints a pretty ugly picture you’re amazed and tell them how pretty it is? Or when you see your daughter in pink dress you tell her how she looks like a princess because in your eyes she does, doesn’t matter if she actually looks like a princess, it’s how you see her, right? so if you have a kid who seems by most people’s opinion ugly, too fat, too skinny, or even handicapped you still tell them you’re pretty, you’re smart, you’re the best in the world, you’re gonna be a president one day, even if you know they’re not but why would you tell them “you’re handicapped and worse than any kids, you’re short and skinny, you’ll never … this and that, just so you know”. I really cant understand that. Lol I have a cat and I tell him he’s the most beautiful cat in the world, even though he looks so ordinary and he’s fat. But why would I even care how he actually looks like.

You’re right, she was angry at people and telling all those angry things about them, and also telling those things to me. I dont understand that, why.

I dont quite understand my motivation to self harm, you know. I damaged my hair because she told me it’s ugly, but why did I do it. It’s like you paint a picture and someone says it’s ugly, you go and destroy it, throw it in the river, but why? Because you believe it’s ugly. Or because you’re angry someone doesn’t like it and they hurt your feelings because this picture was so important to you. I don’t know. Any thoughts? I don’t understand why I did it. I just felt the need to destroy what she said is ugly.

Last year I had an acne because of this picking of my face and she knew how bad I felt about it, and instead of saying “just come on, who cares what you face looks like, lets go for a burger or shopping, stop focusing on those things” , every morning she came to my room to see if my face looked better overnight. Well it didn’t. Sometimes she came and saw I’m sad and that it looks worse and didn’t even say anything. Disappointed in me? Why didn’t she say: just get your shit together, it’s just an acne, stop being depressed about it. She let me be depressed about it.

Of course, please share your experience with your mother, I’d be happy to know.

I talked to *this guy* yesterday  and he said he would have came but turned out he’s busy at work and can’t leave. I didn’t even know he was planning it. We talked about nothing and he asked why I pretend and don’t say whats on my mind really, kind of provoked me. So I said Well Okay, I want to see you really bad. He sent me some pictures and said he wants to meet but doesn’t know when since he works 12h a day. (And has a girlfriend but he didn’t actually say this and never talks about her). And we started to talk like we used to in the past, sex mostly.  He seems excited when talking to me. Normally I would feel excited too for someone I love  and missed so much but here I have to try really hard to suppress my feelings. I just talk to him, feels nice and then there’s evening and he stops texting.. And I know he sleeps with her and I’m here thinking about him. So what to do with those emotions, I have to suppress them I guess.  Sorry If you’re disappointed in me, I could have hidden the fact I talked to him but whats the point. I guess I’m weak. Anyway I’m not even sure we’ll meet so at this point just overwhelming emotions I can’t express or deal with, that’s all.

I woke up to a panic attack second time this week. Maybe it’s because I get up at 7 three times a week, and it makes me nervous or maybe it’s because life’s been overwhelming again.  I get only two feelings recently: being miserable he’s gone and feeling overwhelmed because he’s back for I don’t know how long. I remember all the things we talked about here, I didn’t forget them. I feel stuck and afraid to feel anything now. Just a little update. I’m okay, don’t want to overreact, just a little overwhelmed.