Dear Anita,

Okay, I read all that you wrote. I didn’t expect that, that was a bit shocking. My mother valued her father, he was a decent man, no one would say a bad word about him. Always did the right things, was humble, good father and husband, survived the war and appreciated every moment. But he wasn’t perfect, he was worshipped by his wife (my grandma) and couldn’t do anything around the house. But as I said, a decent and humble man. She values family, people with rules. People who bring up their children well. People who are well behaved and clean after themselves. She always says I never clean and I have a mess in my room. And people who have money, yes she respects people who have a lot of money. (Truth is I like to clean, I just hate it because she always tells me to do it and complains I never do it. When I’m alone I like to clean, and I like to have everything tidy in my room but I hate that I have to clean the kitchen for her to be pleased so -> I hate cleaning, I almost never do it, she complains ->I hate it, I never do it. I don’t know if you understand it.)

When I think about it, she didn’t have problems with anyone hair, but you have a point in asking about this because she always had a problem with looks. Said once that a boy told her she’s ugly when she was 15 or something. Or that her mother made her wear ugly coat and she hated it. She really cared about looks, still does. She says often no-one at work noticed she had a new dress, or new shoes. She cares a lot about makeup and clothes, it’s a big part of her life. She often says she doesn’t understand how someone can be fat, and not want to lose weight. or that someone looks bad, or old. When I brought home friends who were fat or not good looking I always knew what she might think, she never told it obviously but I knew. Once I was going to a party with a boy, she was so excited, almost like I would marry him or something. She got mad at me that I’m not ironing a dress or putting makeup and it was late, like an hour left to go. She literally got mad at me and didn’t speak to me because she was angry I don’t treat it seriously enough. I changed my mind then and chose a casual dress instead of smart one, just to show her how I care about being serious. I also barely put makeup on just to show her. She always talked about the day I would get married, like she dreamed about it, it was her dream. I think she would “like” me (I’ll use your word because it suits here too) if I worn smart clothes and was married, and had a lot of money. I’m almost sure she would treat me better and respect me.

I recognize a lot in what you wrote, I may not apply to this in details but I recognize it. The part “If only she liked me”. Funny I always blamed my father for ignoring me, which he did but as we talked earlier. she bullied me and he was my only hope. I thank you for this.  Can you tell me more about your mother? If you want to of course. Are some things I said similar to yours?