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Reply To: Avoidants and Awareness

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#194025
Anonymous
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Dear Craig:

You are welcome. Regarding her fear being “of getting close to (you), because then she might bet  hurt”- probably, but then, who is not afraid to get close to or  too close to another  and then get hurt? Isn’t everyone to  one  degree or  another?

This is what I think is particular to this woman: I think she  has very little insight about her  own feelings. There is a disconnect  between what she  feels and the message  in what she  feels. She feels something and gets confused.

In her recent interaction with you, she  might have  felt/ thought something like this: feeling distant, angry, uncomfortable,  wanting again to  end the relationship. She thinks: I don’t know what to do. She then thinks: I will tell him that I am ending the relationship. If he cancels the tickets by tomorrow, then I will know that breaking up was the  right thing to  do.

Then she  checks and  finds out that you cancelled the tickets and she feels relief: I did the right thing! Yes!

Later she  may doubt herself again because she lacks insight  or understanding about herself, you and the relationship. And she  may resort  to looking  for another sign about what she should do, maybe sending  you more messages and in one of them there will be another “joke”. If you get him it will be a sign that the relationship is  meant to be.  If you don’t get it, well,  it  will be  a sign that the relationship is not meant to be.

Is this congruent with her thinking  about other issues in her life, not  being sure of what to do, doubting herself, being lost in not-knowing?

anita