I guess I should have explained how I was using the phrase “reptilian brains,” as it seems to have come across in a a way that I did not intend. It comes from the triune theory of the brain, which seems no longer to be fully embraced  by neuroscientists, but is still useful as a model to represent that part of the brain responsible for the fight/flight/freeze/submit responses designed to keep us alive. We all have the reptilian aspect of our brains and it is not derogatory or angry to say so. One aspect of the functioning of this part of the brain is its tendency to imagine the worst, and then to react as if the imaginings were true. Sometimes they are, but frequently, the imaginings are tied into older, painful childhood experiences. Thus, I believe, one purpose of therapy is learning to examine one’s impulses of fear, anger, aggression, etc. and to separate how much of that energy belongs to the present and how much of it is really the stirring around of very old traumatic experiences. Anyway, that’s how I see it.

In response to Anita’s questions, my anger followed theirs. My anger comes from my own frustration of being abandoned. Much of that energy comes from my past, and the present contribution of the energy is my frustration that I cannot resolve and connect with a partner who disappears. I don’t feel angry because my partner feels triggered into emotion. In fact,  I love working on being a present and patient partner. But when my partner goes away and refuses to talk, then that feels pretty awful.

Anita, I’m not always sure. My guess is that both women primarily left out of fear, but one of them may have included an attempt to punish me. My best understanding of the fear is that they are afraid that I am not trustworthy, so they in turn get scared and instead of dealing with it with me, they run away and/or withdraw.

May I give a couple examples? The simplest example was when one of my exes googled my name. Somebody with my exact name and who lived in a region I had lived, had killed somebody in an auto accident. The court case was on-line. My ex concluded that this person was me (it was not) and was angry and irritable to me because I had not divulged this to her. Well I had not divulged it to her because it was not me. Even when she eventually told me, and I explained it wasn’t me, it took her a long time to separate her imagining that it was me from the fact that it was not me.

My more immediate concern is seeing if I can salvage my recent relationship and get it thriving. Out of anger, I ended it because I couldn’t take the silence any more. We had a repeated pattern. She will not talk on the phone Monday through Friday (when due to jobs and children, we don’t see each other in person), and only texts. This is partly because she just doesn’t like talking on the phone, and partly because English is not her first language so it is easier for her to text. Her culture may play a part in her use of silence. Anyway, this is the pattern: We will be texting. She will text something that in her mind is a joke. I don’t know that it’s a joke. It’s not obvious from the words, and I can’t see her face or eyes or hear her voice. Thus I react as if she’s just texted something that is not a joke. Then she becomes upset because I did not understand what was in her mind. Typically, she will say that we don’t have the same sense of humor (though we laugh all the time in person), will cut the texting short, and stop texting or communicating for a day or two. Sometimes longer. Then she goes to the place of saying that I’m not the “right one” for her because she wants a soulmate who empathizes with her perfectly. Sigh.

Nobody comes off-the-shelf ready for another person. It takes time and effort and patience to develop deep understanding. I’m terribly sad because I think we could have the kind of close, reliable, understanding relationship that we both want, but we can’t get there by not communicating.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Craig.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Craig.

Dear Anita,

I have tried to communicate with them, but I take the stance that I can always do better. I don’t want to give up trying to be a better communicator. What worries me, with my most recent partner (who I haven’t given up on), is that she indeed really thinks people can read each other minds. That is essentially her definition of soul mate. I don’t know how to overcome this.

I suppose I could walk away for good, and try to be a better partner picker. But I’m also wary of  not wanting to repeat cycles, when perhaps, I could break the cycle with the person I’m with. If possible.

Actually, no. The extents to which I understand her, and she understands me, seem to have been done the old fashioned way, by talking and sharing experiences.

She has remarked a number of times that I seem to understand her, but it’s because I try to listen to what she says and watch what she does.

Similarly, I think her understanding of me has been earned by conversation and experience.

And when differences have arisen , like when I don’t understand her jokes, etc., she becomes quite upset and concludes the relationship isn’t viable.

Mark,

Thanks. I’m just trying to be wise and do my best.

It’s challenging as heck that I can’t read her mind, because she becomes upset and instead of getting more motivated to communicate, tends to withdraw and think there’s something wrong with the relationship.

In some sense she does want someone rather than me. Her problem is that the someone that she wants – someone who “empathizes with her perfectly” – does not exist.