Dear Anita

I haven’t replied but I think about your words almost everyday so that you know. I thought about “she did not value me” and “she just needed to vent” in the context of “mother and child are not separate”, and your statement that there is no point in keeping the relationship or fixing it. I’ll try to explain exactly what I mean here. Sometimes I spend time with her, not very often, most of things I talk about are from the past, although I live in the same flat we rarely talk or spend time. But sometimes we do and then I notice how much she makes me nervous, in those times I remember how was it in my childhood when my parents were yelling at each other and she used to .. how to explain this.. She used to make me more nervous that I would actually be in this situation. She used to talk to me: don’t be nervous, dont be nervous, please calm down, calm yourself. Do you know what I mean? It’s like a kid falls down and you just say : “it’s okay keep going” and he will, but when you say: “dont cry, please calm yourself, stop being nervous about it” you show him he should be nervous so he grows up thinking falling down is disastrous. She made me like this. It’s what you wrote: “mother and child are not separate”. Right now since I started meditating I began controlling my reactions, my anger, my being nervous, began to notice when and why it happens, and to control it. So -> I began controlling to not be nervous when she TELLS me to. which I did for almost all my life. And now, returning to this “spending time” with her, I noticed she still would make me nervous but I now resist. It’s very satisfying and freeing, I imagine it’s not that big for you but it is for me, because I always felt like one organism with her and felt what she wanted me to feel. So when you’re saying I must have my own emotions, my own opinions, sorry I don’t quote but I guess this is what you meant, right? When I see she still is like that, and I feel sorry for her, because I want to set free from her and she still is what she was, never changed.  Should I not care about it? She’s my mother. Should I not care because she didn’t value me?