Hi anita,

I hope you have been well. As you know my sister has cut contact with my parents, which resulted in them harassing me. I was able to put an end to it pretty quickly – I stood my ground and told them I will no longer answer their calls because I also have to take care of my health. I feel a sense of power that I did not feel before. I have control of my life..what a new feeling.

I have been participating in therapy regularly. In some ways, I feel a lot better. I have learned many skills to deal with my anxiety at work. My therapist says she sees a huge improvement in me, although I do not see it as much as she does.

Loneliness. This is what gets me. I am an empty hole. I feel so alone all the time. Anywhere I am. I burst into tears in public places. The feeling overtakes me. It is the same feeling I have felt since very young. This feeling feels like it will never leave, and I want it to so badly. Objectively, yes I am lonely. I do not have many friends. No boyfriend. I am in many ways actually alone here. I am very proactive in meeting new people and starting new hangouts. I arranged one last night. All the women that attended were married (they were my age or younger). Made me feel even more lonely. But this loneliness is deep rooted. I was never nurtured or raised with love. Never raised to feel safe. So how can I not feel lonely? Because of my upbringing, I was never able to keep or form healthy relationships. So essentially, if you look at it with facts, I have been lonely my entire life – with a few friends and boys here and there that sometimes fill the void, but then disappear so quickly too. Although I may be objectively lonely, I know a lot of it also has to do with my brain (my perspective, my mother’s voice). I know that I am lonely, but I also know that I do not have to feel THIS BAD or THIS LONELY – it is a little much, and not necessary. I am feeling this horrible because of false thoughts in my head. I do not believe I am doing a good job at explaining this, but what I am trying to say is that if I can work harder to get my mother out of my head, maybe I will not feel as lonely, even if objectively I am. My mother has put these false expectations in my head of what happiness is and what a social life is..or how life is in general.

As I have been making healing my priority, I am realizing just how much of her clone I am. Or just how much she has brainwashed me. as I drove home from the dog park today, it clicked. It doesn’t have to feel this bad if I can get her out of my head.

Anyone will feel lonely after moving to a completely new city alone. I have to admit, I have done an amazing job with exploring and being proactive about meeting people. Most people I meet are amazed at how much I have done and seen already. I am proud of me for that. Yet still, does not mean I have found a safety network here. Takes time. For anyone. However, for someone like me, this is harder to deal with since I have felt so lonely for so long. Moving to this new city has not caused this feeling of loneliness to erupt, and to be honest it also has not changed it. (Meaning the feeling of loneliness is not worse in this new city). It is the same feeling I felt back home too.

The way I feel is this huge empty black hole of nothingness. I crave love. I crave safety. I crave understanding. I crave empathy and sympathy. I have my sister, but she is struggling. It is not something that makes me happy. I cry for my sister often. Although I crave these things, maybe my expectations are too high? I am not sure. But when I have these moments of intense loneliness, I feel pain. I am in so much pain.

I am on the right path. I work out almost daily.  I am lifting and attending spin cardio classes. I am becoming more muscular. I hike more. I cook. I breathe. I meditate more often. I am attending therapy and completing the homework. I have not missed a day of work. And I am excelling at work. I am not letting my negative colleague get in my head. But this loneliness is a demon that follows me. Peeking out at what seems like every moment. I have never had stability, in regards to humans in my life. The only stable human (meaning someone that has stayed and has remained loyal) is my sister. But she is across the country and in her own struggles. It would feel nice to just have something last. Have something stay.

You know, sometimes I think about how this feeling of loneliness has been put on me. Meaning, I feel like my mother forced me to feel it. YOU ARE ALONE, she says. I guess this is just what is meant for us, she says. Your sister always had friends, but that doesnt happen for you, she says. When my first dog passed away in 2014 after 13 years of life, she fled the state with my father and sister the next day. She immediately called my uncle in California that same night and made arrangements to attend a wedding they had previously RSVPed “no” for. She stated, “it will help us to be there during this time.” Ok, but what about me? I was in school at the time, with needless to say, no friends practically. I could not take off because I had exams. So she left me. (I cannot even type this without feeling anger and sadness). She left me all by myself in my home where my sweet dog lived for 13 years. A death. A traumatizing death. Oh how I loved that dog. My baby. And we had to put her down. And the next day, I was alone. Truly all alone to deal with this loss from my life. I was strong, I took all of my exams. But I was numb, almost felt dead. I think I was in shock of the news and also had no way of understanding that in this moment I had no support. I remember being so traumatized to be in the house because all of her toys and cage were still there. I could still smell her. I remember desperately texting acquaintances to let me stay with them. Literally begging/pleading. I was even rejected by one. Because of this, I feel that I have never been able to truly mourn her death or understand how it affected me. I believe this is why I have a hard time with this new puppy – he also looks very similar to her, which is almost freaky. But in that moment of my dogs death, she put this loneliness on me. I also am very angry that when the vet asked “would you like to be in the room with her?” (Regarding with they put her down)– I wanted to scream “YES”. This was my baby. I would stay with her till the end. Before I could speak, my dad made the decision for me. He said, “no, we cannot handle that.” To this day, I regret this and feel angry at him. Who is he to decide? I wanted to be there with her. I miss her so much. And I think I have figured it out, having this puppy feels almost like PSTD. For the years I had her, I felt lonely like this. My parents would leave for vacations months at a time, leaving me at home to watch her. It was just me and her. I had no friends. I remember being so lonely one night that I drove me and her to a supermarket parking lot so we could see some lights and people. I remember sitting in the car, and just crying. I drove to wal-mart and bought scrap book materials. For one month, (it was winter break), I spent every single day alone in my house with this dog. I watched tv, I cried. I attempted to make food but I had no idea how and I was young. I scrap booked. And I cried. I started to almost resent the dog sometimes if she bothered me. I felt so unhappy and confused. I think these memories of me and her alone in the house, with me crying for half the day, still haunt me. And I think I see the same thing happening with this new puppy. Different, but similar. Although in those moments I was actually alone (no friends to hang out with) – I believe my mother worsened this feeling by always confirming that in fact I had no one. If she had been more positive and encouraging, and made me feel safe, perhaps that winter break would not have gone like that.

I needed to type out the earlier story not only to depict how lonely my mother made me feel, but also to depict why I put so much pressure on myself about this new puppy and why it is detrimental. I try and try to think – ok you have this puppy so maybe the loneliness can get better. If you have a dog, how are you lonely? People get pets in order to help their loneliness, so how has yours not gotten better? This is why. That story I just wrote. I believe it brings back horrific memories. Makes me feel stuck in the past.

Because of all this, although I am making progress (and I understand it will take years), I feel stuck. And terribly sad. I understand that I am lonely, but I also think it is a false feeling my mother has stuck into my brain. It is façade maybe. Maybe it isn’t so bad.

with love,

cali sister