Running,

You stated:

I am often on edge waiting for him to say or do the next inappropriate thing

I don’t understand why he treats me this way, or people at all – and I keep thinking he will change, or I will learn how to communicate better, or manage my anxiety – and all of this will go away.

I don’t feel like letting my guard down and being patient and compassionate and loving, because around every next corner there is another ugly monster with whom I must battle.

I don’t believe in trying to understand someone’s underlying motivations or thoughts when their behavior runs counter to my boundaries or values.  His behavior is all you need to know on whether or not you love yourself enough to stay with him.

I think of relationships in two ways: 1) Being in any relationship is a learning process for me to point out things that I want to heal or grow from, 2) If the pain is too great to deal with, then no matter what learning I am benefiting from, I leave.  I don’t keep needing to run my head against a wall in order to learn that I need to find another place that has a door instead.

You state that And in the beginning, when we met each other, and were obviously so perfect for each other, why didn’t he immediately end his dysfunctional relationship with her and start dating me?  Sorry for pointing out that is only your perception, not his. This is the initial “honeymoon” phase when people are just getting to know each other, have the chemical hormones going, and are projecting what they see onto the other person.

With your statements that I selected at the beginning of this post, the relationship seems to be a lot more work and stressful than it is worth (to me at least).

I believe I can do better in finding a more suitable mate that does not evoke such prolonged stress by having your guard up all the time and to deal with his maltreatment, not only to you but to others.  For me that is a statement of his character.

Mark