Ella,

Good for you for being able to overcome a lot of your difficulties.  That is huge for anyone to do.  I hope you feel good about yourself for that.

It sounds like your mom is self-absorbed (aka selfish), disassociated, and is incapable of empathy, and does not have any emotional awareness.

Also good for you for your willingness to forgive her. She is unwilling to do anything about her own pain, dysfunction and crippled emotional life.  Because of that, her impact on your life has been hard.  I can see why you want her to admit the pain she inflicted on you before you can forgive her.

You may be better off just to acknowledge that she is crippled like someone with a bad leg but instead she is someone with a bad upbringing.  She only knows how to deal with life from her own life.  So do you need to forgive her for that?  I would just acknowledge that despite her bad mothering, she behaved the only way she knows how.

I assume that you are living with both your parents and that you cannot move out yet?

Of course you are entitled to feel bad.  Every emotion is legitimate.  You must feel beaten down when you are around her.  Feeling bad would be a normal response in such circumstances.

I would recommend continue to see a therapist so that you can have the tools to withstand such a negative emotional onslaught by your mother while you are living with her.

Take care,
Mark