Thank you all again.

If anything I feel less alone now knowing that other people have had/have similar experiences.

I definitely relate to the looking for different worries. I know because this week I have been so calm and in love and the very slightest thing could happen and not bother me. But if I am in a bad mood I get very judgemental very quiuckly.

Thank you for that Anita. Even reading the words ‘a rich one’ made me realise what is important to me. I don’t need someone rich in financial terms, that is way easier to find than someone who is rich in love and respect. I will continue to focus on that the next time that I have anxious thoughts.

Jennifer, I definitely feel this barriers more now, but yesterday I was working and I thought ‘I love him’. It was a very nice feeling, I just had an urge to tell him. And I felt nice stomach sensations rather than crippling fear.

I definitely have been tryimng to face the ego head on. For example, rather than close off and shut down the other day I just told him ‘I feel scared and i don’t know why.’ And it helped the fear quieten. I also have started answering the judgemental thoughts, by realising that they are not true thoughts and that what I can focus on are the positive thoughts/feelings I have about him based on our time together.

The last point you made did make me feel anxious. I often worry that maybe this ‘difference’ in education may become too much. But, really, I can love education and grow in that sense alone as part of the relationship.  I think at times I overvalue it, i.e. my self esteem was built on it which is not healthy.

I also a(after calming down from reading the difference statement) realise that we have very common core values:

– love and respect

– love for family

– how to treat children and how we believe in disciplining them (with words not physical action)

– how we love to explore in differnt ways…travel for example

– how we love to seize the moment

But most of all, we both just want happiness and I do believe in my heart that is what we provide for each other, however scary that may be. I think that making educational differences a dealbreaker would break my heart only. We are so much more than what a title or university course says about us. For example, both of our personal circumstances when we wer younger impeded us from further education one way or another. I was fortunate enough to go back. He however did something so selfless by taking over the role of his family business and providing for them when they had no one else to turn to.

Now, I believe after hearing years of ‘jokes’…simple comments about his spelling, his memory, that he believes he CANNOT do it. That hurts because I want him to know he can take on the world and will never receive anything but support from me. I think it comes from a place of love, that I want him to have these opportunities too because he deserves them. But, I need to accept that these decisions must come from him and in the present moment it does not matter.

I can’t predict the future so must stop trying to.